Mother going against my wishes

[BloodyMothers]

My son has recently turned 3 and for his birthday my mum bought him a bike. In the shop the bike had an alarm that you could buy separately. It was bloody awful and so loud that it would piss the neighbours off, never mind drive me insane! I said he couldn't have the alarm but he could have a bell instead.

I'm currently away with work, and I'm sure you can guess what she's done. She's given him the damn alarm! As soon as my husband told me I knew what he was talking about. She's purposely done it while I'm away so I wasn't there to stop her from giving it to him.

She has form for undermining me, say, giving him a bit of chocolate when I say no more, or whatever. She also does similar with my brother and his kids.

Now, we very rarely row, but I've lost it. I said I do not appreciate her going against my wishes and turning me into the bad guy when I take it away. I said if she can't respect my decisions as a parent, then she can't be in our lives.

She's come back calling me a control freak, arrogant and a drama queen. I'm not in the wrong here, am I?!

I wonder if you have the same bike as my ds

It not only has a bell....but a megaphone type thing that has 2 different loud sirens

Luckily ds doesn’t like loud noises

Can you remove it at all?

She has obviously done that because she can.

I’d say that there’s often occasions when Mothers (both own and MIL) slightly ignore our wishes to spoil grandchildren with noisy gadgets or toys, and food etc. It’s extremely irritating for her to do this when you’d already discussed it, but to cut all contact due to this unless it was unsafe or dangerous seems an over the top reaction to me.

Undermining you on small things like treats is usually a grandparents role (in my opinion) as I remember my own mothers fury at the sweets or ice cream I was given (she’s doing the same now). Sooo in my opinion YABU

Obviously it's not just over this one thing. She does it a lot and I've had enough. If I say anything then I'm a control freak. I think that's why I'm so fucking pissed off. Because she can't see she's in the wrong and has turned it around to a personal attack on me.

I do understand it's an extreme reaction, but how else can I get her to stop? Now it's just a bit of chocolate. Or a piece of cake. Or this alarm. What if it escalates? She has absolutely no respect for me as his mother.

It's this bastard thing.

Oh jeez....not the same but I bet it sounds the same

Take it off. And “accidentally” break it

It's going in the bin. It's honestly horrific. So bloody unfair.

It’s definitely unfair! And equally I’d break it too “accidentally”

Maybe a short sharp shock of NC would cause her to reassess her behaviour but as a fellow control freak it would really irritate me. You know her best so know if it would escalate- mine wouldn’t so I would never go NC in reaction to this.

My brother, who died Tuesday morning, prided himself on giving the DC the most Godawful noisy toys to them every Christmas. One of my most cherished memories of him is asking to speak to him on the phone Christmas morning 2003 and squawking 'You GIT! You do this to me EVERY YEAR! JUST LISTEN TO IT, I'VE HAD THIS SINCE 4AM!' and hearing his laughter.

He never took offence and I didn't really, it was just the thing that He Always Did - nobody else in the family got the joke.

I still sent the fucking cackling clown toy straight to DD1's father on Boxing Day 1994 without a single ounce of guilt

The difference is context. He wasn't getting defensive, but was open that he was doing it to take the piss.

Lose the monstrosity. Or 'it stopped working after a couple of hours. That's what happens with cheap shit'.

I’d just take it away. I can’t imagine any normal person buying that for a three year old, I know my mum wouldn’t.

What’s the deal with the cake and chocolate? Can’t you lead with that - I don’t say anything about you stuffing him full of cake even though I’d rather you didn’t, but don’t buy him stuff I’ve said no to in the future.

Be clear and direct.

I'm not going to cut her off. I just meant it as, that's where we are going to end up if she keeps pulling this shit. It would break her to not see my son and we aren't that kind of family. We live in each others pockets!

It's just pushed me over the edge. I've had a crap week. I just want to go home. And she purposely does this shit. I've had enough. It's just not fair.

She’s the control freak that’s the issue. She is your mum so thinks she out ranks you.

I would suggest it is kept at DMs house for when DS visits her.

I’m sorry you’re having a bad week OP - sending virtual cake, sympathy and wine

@MitziK I'm so sorry about your brother. My brother and I do that sort of thing but it's in jest. We can get each other back.

I have said some stuff stays at her house. Like play doh or paint. But this goes on his bike and his bike wouldn't be much good there.

I said that her undermining me is actually a form of control but she's a bit weird. She has a tendency to point out any flaw we have that our dad has as a way of being particularly hurtful. But she won't see that she's like it too. I'm not explaining it well at all.

I'm making her sound awful. She's not. We usually get along well but that's because I bite my tongue and ignore the things that piss me off. I'm going to wait until she apologises. I've not been hurtful or rude (I'd post the messages if it wasn't too outing) but she's been so nasty about me. I'm quite shocked. I think she's told my other brother (without kids) as he's texting me and I feel they are leading up to something. She won't tell my brother with the kids as he agrees with me!

I can't believe how much this has upset me. I just cried in the bar and had to leave. I'm so pathetic 😂

Oh @BloodyMothers have a gin! My MIL is like this, it's infuriating and annoying and it turns you into the and guy when you have to say no or take it away. She's also bloody lovely as well though! I have to take myself away sometimes and inhale a large wine when we're at the in-laws 😂

Like I said, just bin the bastarding thing. Take the batteries out, tell DC 'oh dear, it's stopped working. It's broken'.

Same with any other toys. They disappear. Food gets 'dropped' or forgotten about.

There's not really much point in confrontation by text, as it can look bad/different to outsiders, especially when they weigh in on behalf of the person doing the annoying things. 'All I did was give GS a little present and she's said I'll never see him again' 'I'll sort her out for upsetting you, Mum', etc, etc, etc...

Look, you are right. It is at least annoying and at most disrespectful and blatantly undermining. But you are also tired, away from home and missing DC. So something that might ordinarily be a muttered FFS is possibly becoming something much bigger than it needs to be, especially if there's an 'I'm not speaking to her ever again until she apologises'. They can easily escalate into something you don't actually want.

Don't get into any discussions about it by text or phone. Get on with your work, get on with what you have to do and then enjoy going home.

And chucking that piece of crap into the wheelie bin.

You are not being in the slightest bit unreasonable. You said no to the horn so your decision should have been respected. Same goes for giving chocolate etc when you have decided they have had enough.

I don't know why GP talk about wanting to spoil their GC. Do they not know what the bloody word actually means? (Ruin, damage, destroy the value of). Why would anyone want to 'spoil' a child? Aaargh!

I'm glad you're going to throw the horn away. Your DM needs to learn to respect your choices. She made her choices about how to rear you and your siblings and she needs to leave decisions about raising your DC to you and your husband.

Telling her now that she won't be involved in your lives if she continues to undermine you isn't such a bad thing to do. It expresses the strength of your feelings. If that gets through to her now it may prevent her from pulling the stunt again in the future.

She is the control freak, and she is deflecting. It's very selfish to undermine your adult children, whatever the reason.

Oh my mother did this all the bloody time
Me-no heelys guess what they ended up with?and I somehow ended up paying for them
Me-no sweets chocolate or other crap before lunch they got the crap then she’d go mental they didn’t wanna eat
Me-I don’t want them to play out cos they are grounded-they played out
Me-any other rule I had as a parent trying to bring up children to become decent adult-ignore mum she talks rot

I went nc in the end-she’s a narc and I see it as my rules or nothing

Tell him ha can only have it at her house.

Get a drum kit for her house too.

My MIL does this and then looks me straight in the eye and declares it's 'grandparent's rights'. But she doesn't have to deal with the screaming, overtired, overstimulated and bloody pissed off child, I do. Try as I might I can't make her see it.

The worst part is that my DH says that she used to go mental at her MIL for doing the same bloody thing.

Keep it for granny's house. It's a special toy for when granny is tired and has a headache.

Perhaps if you stopped living in each other's pockets it would be easier to set boundaries and she wouldn't be able to constantly take the piss out of you?

Living in each others pockets is why she thinks she can do it - my mum is the same with my sisters and their children - they rely on her for ad hoc childcare so can't say anything. I say what I want (don't need childcare) and enjoy the peace when she sulks 😉