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AIBU?

Partners family friend doesnt know about me

50 replies

Kerlouphil · 25/04/2019 16:31

I have a partner of 2 years, his family are very lovely people and are always polite and welcoming however there are a couple of issues I have. His parents have an elderly family friend that does not know of me and has never been told that my partner and his ex wife have separated. I wasnt allowed to join the family xmas lunch last year as no one was prepared to tell her and she was going to also be there for xmas lunch so my partner had to revoke my invitation to his family home so as not to cause a problem. This lady is apparently incredibly traditional and wouldn't take kindly to the fact that my partner and his ex have separated (they have children together)

Am I wrong to feel so upset about this?

OP posts:

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CalmdownJanet · 25/04/2019 17:18

Well when the elderly friend dies and the family are ready to welcome you I would be telling them and your dp that they can all go fuck themselves because you will never spend a Christmas with them or bother with a family occasion, they have made their beds at that stage and they can lie on them

Kerlouphil · 25/04/2019 17:20

I have met the kids and we have a good relationship, they are lovely and get on well with mine also.

Yes the ex gets under my skin too with her constant presence. Not sure she's a threat to my relationship, I'm told she speaks well of me in regards to what her children feedback to her, although I've not met her myself. However I have mentioned that she is constantly in the picture. Ex Father in law always doing house maintenance , ex mother in law always babysitting, having her over for dinner going, shopping etc.

OP posts:

Erinaz · 25/04/2019 17:21

No it would be upsetting but does sound strange is it him or his family perhaps they get money from this friend at xmas and this would change . Unless he didnt fancy a family meal and its a made up story .

Purpleartichoke · 25/04/2019 17:21

If you were not invited, your partner should have declined to attend as well. The two of you could have had a small celebration with the kids.

Kerlouphil · 25/04/2019 17:24

@calmdownjanet
This was my initial reaction

I feel for the friend too as they have lied to her and if she finds out she will be hurt too

I know nothing of any money beneficiaries in all of this

OP posts:

AdaColeman · 25/04/2019 17:25

I think it's understandable that you were hurt by the situation at Christmas, I would be too.

It will be difficult for you ever to feel fully part of their family, after they have treated you in such an uncaring way. It shows you how little they value and respect your feelings.

How involved is your DP with his family? If he sees them frequently and is close to them, I'd be wondering how things will work in the future, as they obviously view you as an outsider.

ChuckleBuckles · 25/04/2019 17:26

So your partner and his parents lied to this family friend about his separation and subsequent relationship with you, invite you to Christmas dinner, rescind the invite, all very odd so far, but then his kids were there and these Adults have placed children in the position of having to lie about what is happening in their home life? That is just a brand new level of awful and all because this woman is a traditional sort?

No way OP, these people are showing you who they are, they lie with ease and pretend you do not exist, bin them all off.

Kerlouphil · 25/04/2019 17:26

@erinaz

No his mum made a point of apologising to me that she had to do this and because I don't like confrontation I just said it was ok and that my DP shouldn't have invited me to the family home without checking with her first. Seemed easier at the time to avoid an argument

OP posts:

Orangeballon · 25/04/2019 17:30

Yes, very strange, you are second best to a friend who is an elderly lady? Is she very rich?

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/04/2019 17:30

If your partner, his X and his parents have managed to have a friendly relationship after divorce that's a good thing (especially for the children). However, the family friend does not live in a vacuum, they come across divorce, homosexuals and other 'non-traditional' things every single day. If you want the relationship to continue honestly needs to be the basis of future relationships.

Kedgeree · 25/04/2019 17:31

There's money at stake, I guarantee it.

Lweji · 25/04/2019 17:31

Ask him WTF is going on with this friend. It's not normal to hide things like this from just friends.

ShowMeTheKittens · 25/04/2019 17:35

I's just tell her straight out. End of rubbish scenario. Who is she? Some queen like entity cannot take the truth?

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2019 17:37

To be fair, I don't think this is about you, it's about her. Is she religious? There is clearly something about this woman and her reaction that they are all trying to avoid. Like they know what's going to happen if she finds out. And this is better than that.

caughtinanet · 25/04/2019 17:41

It's weird that they won't tell the person and there's clearly something going on there but I don't think I'd be too upset about it. It doesn't appear to be anything personal to you, the way you've explained it it would happen whoever the new partner was.

I'd expect my DP to be able to give a proper explanation though, this is not a normal way for a family to behave.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2019 17:42

The ex is family to them and you are not. That's the long and short of it.

Petalflowers · 25/04/2019 17:43

At least the family recognise that they are in the wrong, and have apologised for it. They all seem a little scared of her.

If they are welcoming the rest of the time, and don’t exclude you in other family get-together, then you may have to just accept it. for whatever reason, she has this hold over them.

I don’t think you are wrong in feeling upset, though.

Lweji · 25/04/2019 17:44

Maybe she's given the couple something very valuable and they know she'd ask for it back if they divorce.
Or they want her to give them access to something they seek.
Or the good old will.

You have to find out what it is. Just so that we know, you understand?

Giraffey1 · 25/04/2019 17:47

Your H needs to step up and speak up! He revoked your invitation to his family Christmas? What? He should be insisting you both go and that his family grow up (what do they think is going to happen, will the woman have a fit fo the vapours, for goodness sake!!!) and set the record straight.

saraclara · 25/04/2019 17:50

Yep. My first thought was that there's money involved somewhere. If someone in the family isn't a beneficiary in her will, I'll be very surprised.

GabriellaMontez · 25/04/2019 17:52

So they have the children telling this lie too? That's disgusting.

DeeCeeCherry · 25/04/2019 17:57

Oh come on - they had or have a 'thing' going on.

I don't suppose you'll tell your man to piss off for his cheek. But you should. Please don't ever accept a man keeping you a secret. It is never ever for a good reason.- &it's insulting to you, to say the very least.

The parents revoking your invitation - did they tell you? Or, did your man tell you - (aka using his parents as part of his cover-up lies?)

bookworm you'd be surprised what secrets family will hold on behalf of their offspring. That's where their loyalty lies. & often they just do not want to get involved & don't see the relationships as any of their business.

OP do not stand for being kept a secret from another woman in your man's life. You'll end up with your self-esteem on the floor, it's on the way there already or you would never accept this situation. Tell yourself you deserve better.

This relationship won't progress any further than future-faking because your man is still with his ex and actually isn't even lying all that well about it.

He's playing a double game and if I were you Id catch him out (if you can be bothered, given his rudeness in keeping you hush hush) and then leave

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DeeCeeCherry · 25/04/2019 17:59

But if this woman is an elderly benefactor as some posters have suggested, I hope she disinherits the lot of them for their dishonesty.

Not that I believe it's anything more than he is still shagging his ex

AuntieStella · 25/04/2019 18:16

Even incredibly traditional people know that divorce exists, and elderly people will have known many divorced people during their life.

The excuse is so improbable that it stinks.

And his family getting the children involved in a lie about the parents divorce? Well that isn't going to work, is it?

Yes, something is very amiss here.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/04/2019 18:27

this is the most ridiculous accepted massive 'cover up' I've ever read and to what end ? children and adults are all playing a stage show for this old friend .. so He/She doesn't get offended.. PISS OFF... they've put men on the Moon you know..

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