Sick of greedy children

[Downwilson]

I have 3 daughters aged 12, 9 and 5. I have found the Easter break to be really difficult especially with the older 2.
The eldest is nearly 13 and is difficult and grumpy and is only interested in going online or going clothes shopping for herself.
The middle one is also incredibly acquisitive and greedy.
The youngest is still okay and happy to go for picnics etc.
I feel like I've completely failed as a parent. They don't want to spend time with me unless there is some sort of bonus involved usually involving spending money on them. They are so greedy and think I'm being unreasonable when I explain that money is not an infinite resource.
Just wondering if I'm alone in this....

Children are the products of our parenting Im afraid

Agree. DC had a strop because we wouldn’t pay an extortionate amount in the museum gift shop the other day. DC had the expectation that we would buy something......because we ALWAYS have done. The fact that the last two items bought from museum gift shops last summer, are still in the gift bags and not even opened or looked at, is the reason we refused this time but it’s no wonder DC just assumed we would buy this time.

I'm sick of it too and feel I have created children who don't know the value of money and for whom nothing is a treat. Almost think if my husband and I lost our jobs and suddenly they couldn't have anything, the upside would be that they might finally appreciate new clothes/a meal out as it would be a rarity.

@havingtochangeusernameagain You're one of those parents arent you

Mine have had an allowance and it has really taught them to budget. You can get a child current account from age 12.

They manage their money really well. I am lucky that they aren't fashion followers and prefer their own quirky style which comes from charity shops.

Totally feel your pain, OP. I have a 13 year old who can't countenance an outing that doesn't involve sushi or some form of shopping.

I agree that 9 is slightly young, but probably learning from her older sister.

You just have to stay the course and keep saying no.

I find making things the antithesis to the constant "can I have". (not saying it stops it completely but at least whilst they are absorbed they are not thinking of commercialised tat!)

Could you get your 12yo into sewing basic clothes or tops? Or customising what she has? Or making things like simple canvas totes or purses or cushion covers for her room (maybe with beads/embroidery OR probably better/funkier, you can get fabric ink for the rubber stamps, which permanents stays on the fabric, so she could print/stamp her own fabric designs? Hundreds of amazing stamps out there! Basic sewing machines around £50. (can get pastel colours). She'd only need a running stitch and a zig-zag.( I wouldn't recommend a fancier 2nd hand or gifted one, often they are too complicated or too old and that is very off-putting ).

For the 9yo, Fimo clay is probably a hit (if not already?) or keyring making sets. Kids a bit older often like making something "permanent" (ie an actual usable item and all the better if it's pretty or cool).

I hear you. I do worry that my 2 will have no idea of the value of money. I grew up in a little house in a council estate, my parents didn't have much spare money. We weren't poor, we went on holiday and days out etc but as a family DH and I have an awful lot more money than we did growing up. The house we live in is beyond anything my parents could ever have dreamed of, but my kids take it for granted. I wish I could take them back in time to live with me for a while so that they appreciate what we have.

I think you just have to say no. And (within reason) say "this is what we are doing".

Even if you were minted I think it's important to say no to buying stuff and especially when you are asked for stuff on the spur of the moment like in gift shops.

I make sure I say "I can't afford it" sometimes.

This makes me sound mean - I don't say no to everything!

But I think most children would ask for things if they thought they'd get them!

I don't think this sounds like 'greed', nor have you failed as a parent.

Give yourself a break. Pre-teens are almost always not interested in spending time with their parents or younger siblings having picnics or whatever. They can be incredibly self-centred but it is what it is.

Give her pocket money and leave her to budget. If she's a sensible sort she won't need you necessarily planning any fun activities for her. If she's sulking at home because she's bored, tell her the kitchen needs cleaning or the floor could do with a bit of mopping.

I got sick of the dd asking for take-aways all the fecking time over Easter that I put a ban on it! Saying no all the time is exhausting - she got the message and she got a few take aways but everyday was just too much! Sometimes you need to reset expectations.

I don’t think it’s unusual, and they are certainly bombarded with advertising (overt and less obvious) from all sides, in a way we weren’t, even a generation ago. I think pocket money or an allowance and a children’s current account is a good idea. It gives them some control over what they buy, and when it’s gone it’s gone. Mine have always had pocket money, and then an account from 11/12. I gave ds1 a clothing allowance too from around 13/14. They learn to budget, and are much less likely to nag me for things when we’re out.

Sounds about normal tbh! My DD11 rarely asks for anything & will check things are not too expensive. DS9 is always asking for things. He has also started to say he'd prefer to hang out with mates rather than us!! I imagine when he's older he'll be moaning about how we made him go on family bike rides, trips to National Trust and various walks. He'd rather be out and about, but obviously he's only old enough to go to the park for the moment. Luckily they get decent amounts for bday and Christmas from family so can buy their own stuff (or waste it on Vbucks!)

Sounds about normal. my 15yo is unhappy that we're dragging him on holidays instead of buying him a new phone...
Just don't give in to provocations. They'll be more appreciative when they get older.

Give your older one control of her own money.

My 13 year old has a bank account with cash card which also works in shops (you put money into the card do can't accidentally spend more than you have). She gets 80€ per month for absolutely everything and I buy her nothing except school expenses and entrance on family outings/ obviously pay for whole family holidays but no spending money or new wardrobe.

She spends a lot of time browsing clothes online but never asks for things and chooses carefully, budgets and saves.

Just say no to the 9 year old.

My kids have never been particularly bad for asking for things except when "exiting through the gift shop" after a museum or attraction - that's always the best marketing trick in the entire world

Eldest got a bit acquisitive about clothes at 12 though and the allowance has properly sorted that out and taught her life skills.

Thanks everyone, I don't feel so alone.
I know it's up to us as parents to lead the way.
My middle daughter has always been incredibly materialistic and wants everything now. With my eldest daughter though, it's a recent thing. She never cared about stuff when she was younger and rarely asked for anything. I need to set some boundaries. Or the third one will be the same....

Following this! Really struggling with my 13 yo DD currently. She is so goddamn self-absorbed. She isn't really materialistic, but WANTS everything on her own terms. So for example, if she wants a takeaway pizza for tea and I say no, you would think I was saying she could only eat lettuce forever more. And the bloody FUSS. She tantrums like a toddler. It's as much as I can do not to smack her.

I have been advised to read 'get out of my life. But can you take me and Alex in to town first' as an explanation of teenage behaviour. It's on my bookshelf. This thread has reminded me to read it x

And I don't think it's parenting? My DD was NOT like this until about 6 months ago