No family ..aibu here?

[tallyhoooo]

I'm 21
My mum died when I was 10.
Followed by my grandad and my uncle.
Thank god I still have my dad but no family left except aunty on mums side.
My aunt lives in New Zealand with her husband and son and now she's waiting for her grandson to be born.
After my mum died she would ring every week for 5 years.
She would come to England once a year for 3 weeks and it was great,we would go out together for lunch,shopping.
She filled a void that was missing.
She hasn't visited me now for 5 years and she rings once every few months.
I only found out on Facebook that my cousin was having a baby.
It's like she felt obliged at first but now she has her family and doesn't care about me.
I don't feel like family anymore.
Aibu to be so upset

No your not U to be upset, but your an adult now, so could make more effort to keep in touch/visit her. Ring her, arrange a visit if possible?

I was ringing her but then I started to get emails saying her phone line wasn't working and she would let me know when it was on.
Or just email instead as it's easier.
Then her computer was broken etc etc

Oh I'm sorry, that is so hard to lose so many important people so young.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset and feel hurt, a contact that was there is now.. not and I understand how that hurts.

But your aunt stepped up in a way beyond what anyone could have expected of her to be there for you in your formative years. I think that's wonderful! Especially when she lived so far away (assuming you are UK?). Before you take any actions have you told her how you feel? Do you call/visit her at all or was it always her calling you and visiting? I'd suggest telling her you miss her.

Big internet love for you.

Just seen your updates. That's ... less understandable. Do you have a relationship with your cousin? Could you develop that instead?

Yes sorry I'm in the U.K. should have mentioned that

Try writing her a letter? Say you miss her and could you visit?

No no relationship with my cousin
Only met him twice in my life
As he is having a baby I've been buying outfits and bibs etc as I'm going to send over a little package.

It was very nice of her to call you every week for so long but perhaps that doesn’t feel sustainable now or she feels that you have your own life and wouldn’t welcome the weekly catch up? Do you ever call them?

You're homing in on your aunt as a surrogate mother; she stepped into your own mothers shoes when she passed away. You're an adult now, have been for some years. Now your aunt has done her duty by her sister and is concentrating on her own family, who she understandably wants to spend time with. Relationships evolve, could you go out to NZ rather than her forking out to come back to the UK every year, and spending out for treats and outings?

Can you visit her?

I thought I was part of her family too

Bear in mind how expensive it is to travel from NZ to U.K., once you were 16 she probably assumed you were grown up and didn't need her so much.

You are part of her family, but it’s so far away and expensive!

She was very good to do what she did but it’s understandable that it can’t continue.

She’ll be getting older, too.

Life goes on.

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/good circle of friends? I would concentrate on them and your dad.

Keep emailing your aunt. Maybe try to build an email relationship with your cousin.

But your life is here. It’s tough though.

It sounds like she has a lot going on in her life, and it is very expensive to fly UK to NZ, even the cheapest flights that involve 3 legs are expensive and exhausting.

Have you ever flown out there OP? Can you suggest that you visit them?

We flew to NZ recently, it took 35 hours, 3 flights each way, and cost £1700pp.

Write a letter and thank her for spending so much time and effort for you in your earlier years. Congratulate her on expecting grandchild etc. Ask after her health. Say how much it meant to you to have family contact. DON'T WHINGE. Start saving to visit her.

I am sorry you have experienced so much loss op. That must have been very very hard for you.

I would be glad she was there for you during your childhood, and maybe now she is dealing with other problems in her life, perhaps health issues, family problems etc and is not able to commit to the same level of contact. This does not mean she doesn't care for you, she clearly does.

I would write to her and consider visiting.

I would also consider finding other means of support here in the UK. Building up support and deep friendships and other loving networks, so you feel loved and supported. Have you considered doing voluntary work with older people? You could adopt a granny or two, who would be delighted to have the company in older age. There are many ways you could feel much better than you do now.

How old are you now?

YANBU to feel so upset at all.

She was very good to do what she did but it’s understandable that it can’t continue. Why? Ok flights are ridiculously expensive but with WhatsApp, FaceTime, email - its never been quicker or easier to keep in touch.

OPs aunt doesn’t have to be a grandma at the expense of not being an aunt who keeps in touch with her niece. It’s entirely possible to be both.

OP felt part of her aunts family. She is a connection to her DM and has every reason to feel as she does. Keep emailing. Are you both on WhatsApp because then you can send pictures, anything of interest and get free calls. I’d keep working at the relationship and hope her reduced contact will change. Unless she’s loaded though the visits sound cost prohibitive sadly.

What I've found is that as people get older they concentrate more on the very immediate family.I've had friends say they are just interested in their husbands and kids now,not extended family and that's it basically it so many words.
All that about the computer being broken etc is just a fob off in my opinion.
I'd probably forget her and move on OP, sorry.

@CaveDrawer they are on email, and on Facebook.

I think I would leave it now. I understand it's upsetting for you but as PP said you're an adult now and her life has changed. Obviously her own son and grandchild is her priority now and it's probably too much to ask her to visit every year for 3 weeks.
I think you should tell her you would like more contact with her and her family and that you miss her, but I don't think you can expect things to go back to the way they were.

I just feel like she is one of the closest people I have left in my life and now I feel like she's gone.
I just feel discarded.
I've never been over to nz no.

I'm 21 now.
I know I'm a adult now but I still miss my mum and feel robbed of her tbh.
I just need someone in my life if that makes sense

Of course you still miss your mum and you’re still very young but it’s time to make your own life. Concentrate on friendships and building relationships that are sustainable.