To ask how on Earth you handle this?!

[DizzyPhillips]

Today has been hard. Really really hard.

I have two daughters, ages 4 and almost 2. Very different personalities. DD1 is quiet and sensitive. Toddler is pretty wild. They love each other but oh god, the fighting...

Toddler has been a nightmare today. Of epic proportions. I feel like it’s deliberate bad behaviour. And please don’t say she doesn’t know it’s bad behaviour. She absolutely does.

The behaviour that’s worrying me is the constant fighting with DD1. DD1 sitting on the couch looking at a book. DD2 walks over and scratches her arm so hard it draws blood. She is firmly told no and removed from the situation. She walked straight back and did it again. Looking at me the whole time as if to say “what you going to do?” I remove her again and put her into the kitchen (adjoins to living room). She keeps coming back. Will not be distracted out of it. Constantly trying to scratch and pull hair. Completely unprovoked.

DD1 is roaring. I can’t comfort her and supervise toddler.

Toddler is so young. I am aware of this. I don’t know how to handle this at all. She’s too young for naughty step. She knows fine well it’s bad she just doesn’t give a fuck.

If she’s too young for time out she’s too young to understand the impact of her behaviour.

If the older child is able to entertain themselves for a while, I’d keep the two year old very close to me engaged in some activity - it means she can’t get to her sister to scratch, you have the chance to reinforce gentle hands type messages, she gets some positive attention from you instead of you constantly needing to respond to her hurting her sister and it breaks the “come into the room, scratch my sister” pattern for her.

If she hurts sister put her somewhere safe-travel cot, high chair and first of all, comfort and tend to the injured party.
But otherwise I agree, at this age it’s firm a firm no, reinforce gentle hands and distract.

Our youngest is like this sometimes. We find rough & tumble play or getting him up running/jumping around & physically active helps.

Might not work but worth a try

I wonder too if identifying one child as quiet and sensitive and the other as pretty wild is helpful, your daughter isnt even 2 yet, whether you acknowledge it or not she simply doesn’t have the capacity to “not give a fuck”, at this stage she’s learning how to get a reaction from you and hurting her sister seems to do it. At not quite 2 years old you can physically control where she is and whether she has access to scratching your daughter - you can actively engage her in play, you can sit with her and read/draw etc. If by nature she’s more boisterous she may well need more physical activity - running games, bear hunts etc, fresh air is good too because being outside keeps her brain active and engages her senses.

Her behaviour is something you need to tackle from lots of different angles, focussing on building a relationship with your wild child and valuing her spirit as much as your older child’s sensitive side. Remember too that a toddler isn’t going to engage in quiet play for any amount of time and needs active adult involvement pretty much constantly.

Reading that back it sounds a bit “know it all” and I don’t but I have a very very active, spirited DD and a quieter more sensitive DS - I feel your pain and have had to find different strategies for parenting each of them. I’m sorry you’ve had a tough day - I’ve so been there.

jellycat you make some excellent points.

I do play with her but you know what it’s like. There’s a lot to do in the house or what ever. But I think I do need to spend a bit more time keeping her occupied. It’s just hard because she never wants to do anything for longer than 30 secs.

They play in the garden a lot but it’s quite small. I do try to get them to the park but find the park so hard with two on my own

Play pen.

Saved my sanity. Either the little one goes in it to keep them separate, or the bigger one goes in it if she wants to play with something unsuitable for the smaller one (small parts, fragile, colouring etc).

Not for long periods , but it does give you a moment to deal with other stuff.

By way of solidarity - my very active, spirited girl is just off to A&E having karate kicked her bedroom mirror off the wall onto her foot (which I suspect may be broken). She’s 7 and I still can’t leave her for 10 minutes 🙄.

She's learned that all attention is good attention. You need to completely ignore her less desirable behaviour, to the point that you don't even acknowledge it. Also, really ham up your comforting of your 4 year old.

Alongside this, you need to take any opportunity to praise your 2 year old when her behaviour is positive. Her attention span is very short, so 1 praise an hour isn't going to cut it. With DD1 (who has SN) she had toddler attention span for years. We had to break down 'behaviour' to 5 minute blocks and praise/correct accordingly.

So tiny, tiny time periods. Don't leave them alone together - it's setting them both up for trouble.

This thread is an eye opener. I’m not paying her nearly enough attention

Its just so hard with two. DD1 is so needy. If I try to do something with DD2 she wants to join in and before I know it world war three has broken out

Play doh ! Saved my sanity . Get a recipe in line. - lots of cutters and set both of them to it...

Worth a try ,

Believe me, I understand. I had 3 under 3½ and I had 1 with diagnosed SN and one who wasn't diagnosed until she was 11, last year.

DD1 would go from one of her siblings to the other, hitting them, so that I had to break up the fight and couldn't comfort the one she had hit a couple of minutes ago. It really was just attention seeking. I did get help to divide and conquer, which was invaluable.

Have you got Homestart in your area? You might be able to ask for a HS volunteer to give you a hand once a week. My HS volunteer came when I was 29 weeks pregnant with DD3 and then refused to stop coming when the youngest turned 5 (their cut off point). She's now just a family friend who comes to see the girls and play with them most weeks.

i reckon make sure you walk and run the toddler as much as possible so she lets off some energy regularly, like a puppy. Stop her being a pain at home

I say 2 is old enough to use the naughty step. They understand the concept of right and wrong. Like you said, she's being deliberately bad. She's making a choice. They'll understand punishment.

Give her a warning, bend down eye contact and firm voice of "you must not hit or scratch or pull hair. Its bad behaviour because it hurts people. If you do it again, you're going to be in time out." If she does it again, time out for 1 minute - put a timer on, and if she gets up keep putting her back without talking to her. At 2, she will understand that she's sat there because she did something you told her not to. After, then tell her again why she's there and that she must apologise and then she can go play again. Yes her age means it has to be explained over and over and that it has to be broken down to her but she does understand