im a rubbish mum, how can I change this?

[BirthdayCakeforme]

My beautiful DD is 6 and it’s absolutely breaking my heart to see her struggle so much. She has no friends and is so shy and unhappy. She wakes up unhappy everyday and is subtly mean to everyone as a way of expressing her unhappiness. I’d give anything to fix things for her but I don’t know how, things seem so far out of my control.

Bit of background - I had a tough-ish childhood. Superficially we were wealthy, well cared for children, but my mum was severely depressed and very angry most of the time. Dad was away with work/ off having affairs. I was the eldest and took the brunt of the atmosphere at home. My mum routinely put me in charge of my siblings, with severe punishments when I inevitably got things wrong. I never learnt to make friends and to this day have no self esteem.

Fast forward to my adult life, I married young to a man who seems to replicate all my DF’s worst qualities without any of the good. He’s utterly disinterested in my poor gorgeous DD and treats her so dismissively.

My poor DD is cripplingly shy and it breaks my heart. She literally can’t speak up because she is so self concious.

I’m a piece of shit mum because I shout at her and make her feel worse about herself. I’m always exasperated with her. She is so needy and I feel like I just don’t have anything left to give her. I feel drained and exhausted. My poor little girl has no one in her life to just love her unconditionally and be with her. I’m so worried I’ll be passing on my anxiety, my controlling personality and my self hatred to my baby. I’ve been in therapy for year to feel better about myself but I just don’t. If anything, therapy is giving me the clarity to see just how shit my life really is.

I would ask to get this moved to relationships.

You sound so lonely, my heart goes out to you. You’re not a shit mum.

Some children just are on the more shy and anxious side. Is there any one at school she is even slightly friendly with that you can invite over? Or any family/friends with children that she can play with. Does she do any extra curricular? Though she may not be willing to try at first, if you make it routine, she'll get used to it.

I wouldn't say it's all down to you, and your childhood. I had a difficult time as a child, had friends but was bullied quite badly at secondary. Was very shy and quiet. It was a saving grace that I had nice friends who didn't abandon me! But my DC are quite different to me, my DD in particular is the complete opposite as is sporty and chatty, seems quite popular.

It's a shame about your husband not being great for either of you, do you have any plans to leave?

Don't be hard on yourself and start thinking about small things you can do every day. Can you manage to play with your DD for 10-15 mins a day and just be present, no phones, get down to her level and just spend time with her doing what she would like to do?
Re the shouting- don't be hard on yourself but think about what the triggers are for you shouting and become more aware of it, practice walking away or taking deep breaths counting to ten if you feel you are going to shout.
Your husband doesn't sound great and it's hard to know what to say, but do you really want to stay married to someone who is utterly disinterested your DD and treats her dismissively?
Things can improve and it's hopeful that you are in therapy. Please be kind to yourself,you are obviously trying and you want to change otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here.
What support to do you have in real life? Do you have friends/ family who you could honestly talk to who could help?

Start small with half an hour each day to just hug her and play / read a story / chat and build up to spending more and more quality time with her. Ask her about her friends, stick to open questions to help her work out how to make friends (e.g. why do you think X doesn't like you any more... ok, so what do you think can fix that)

Don't change anything with your DH until you've improved things with your DD, but you might want to ask him to consider if he's having the relationship he wants with her or if he'd like to make more effort too. Model the behaviour you'd like to see in him. Once she feels able to rely on you and hopefully also on him, she might cope better with a divorce, but my worry if you do it now is that it'll make things even worse for her.

How many children are in her class? Could you organise a ‘party tea’ at your house for even just the girls if it’s a big class?
I struggled to integrate and my mum organised one of these for me which helped.
I think you’d feel a lot better once you start making positive steps to address her loneliness.
The fact you’re worrying about this means you’re not a bad mum

Right, first thing to say is that you are categorically NOT a shit mum. You had difficulties in your own life, are fully aware of how they affected you and are actively trying not to pass them onto your DD. That, if anything is a good mum.

Your DD is probably aware of the fact that her Dad can’t be bothered with her - that will be massively exacerbating the problem. That would be an absolute dealbreaker in a marriage for me, I’d be away sharpish. That might be better for your DD’s mental health, or it might hopefully give him the kick up the arse he needs.

Do you know any of the other parents from DD’s school, is it worth reaching out and trying some play dates etc? I’ll bet your DD is not the only kid in school who is shy and struggles to make friends. I’m not a great fan of trying to engineer friendships but your DD might need a little helping hand here. Are there any local activity clubs she could join?

Keep going with your own therapy, if it’s giving you clarity then that might lead to a path of action to make your life better.

Best wishes to you both.

I would contact your local relate-they do really good family therapy.

You’re not a shit Mum. Shit Mum’s don’t care about the effect any of their behaviour is having on their children. You do care an awful lot and want to change and help your DD.

Is she involved with any extra curricular clubs at all? I know the ones outside of school are expensive but school ones tend to be modestly priced, that could be a first small step. I would also implore you to speak to her teacher, ask how she is getting on with making friends etc. If your DD has any particularly special friends, perhaps find and speak to their parents to arrange a play date? Teachers are there to help, they won’t judge if you explain you feel DD is shy and struggling.

Unsure whether you’re still with her Dad but leave him if so, he sounds like a total cuntwaffle.

When I was really struggling with toddler DS (in retrospect I think I was a bit depressed) I put him in nursery for a few hours and farmed him out to willing grandparents quite a lot. He spent a lot of time with people who were being nice to him and basically I minimised his time with grumpy shouty me so I was able to be nicer and more upbeat for that shorter period of time. And gradually, as the majority of our interactions were then positive, things improved in a virtuous circle.

Would you be able to get someone to give your DD some positive input and attention? An aunt or godmother?

I think lots of love is key here. You have to like yourself for people to like you. Surely you can get your DH on board a bit with that.

Agree with the start small tactic. Just a short period of time each day that you focus on your dd, play, chat, follow her lead. Fake it if you’re not feeling it... it’ll get easier with time. Also involve her in day to day stuff- get her chopping veg while you’re making dinner and just chat about what you’re doing.

Do you have any friends now who your dd ever sees you with? Children learn best by being shown, rather than being told what to do. If she can see that there are people you comfortably chat to, even on a superficial level, she will learn from that. I feel for you. My own parents were both very shy, avoided social situations and never ever had friends round which I think was a real missed opportunity. Occasionally relatives would visit but it would all be very formal and so I didn’t see friendships being modelled by them. So I would suggest you join a group, or club, or something to make some friends yourself if you need to. I don’t believe any child is totally a result of their parents upbringing (or none of us would ever change!) BUT I do think that fixing things for yourself will go a long way to rubbing off on your dd. Children pick up ever such a lot and if she senses you are uncomfortable, wary of others and not very happy then she’ll absorb this.

Finally I would get school on board too, because if she genuinely has no friends and is mean to others then there’s a lot they can do... buddy systems, maybe social skills group.

This book Playful Parenting is really good. The author has also written a book about childhood anxiety. I'd really recommend them both. The playful approach has helped me to feel like (and I hope become) a better parent.

Childhood trauma can lead to structural changes in the brain which make it more likely for you to have strong emotional responses to trivial stimuli. This could explain why you're losing your temper and shouting. A good AD will make a great difference in this respect. Mine don't take away my anxiety, but they certainly give me more patience, I'm cool as a cucumber with my children.

The love you have for your child is tangible from your posts, and you understand that being a secure attachment figure is crucial to her emotional wellbeing, so you're well ahead of many - certainly not a shit mum.

Be kind to yourself and your daughter will learn to be kind to herself.

You’re not a rubbish Mum. Far from it. You’re here trying to get help. That makes you a fantastic Mum.
If you have the means & the support you should consider your relationship with your DP. Dismissive and disinterested? You both deserve so much more.

Some great practical tips above about where to start. Today is a brand new day and the start of happier times for you and your DD.

I think you need to change the focus.

Does your dd like animals? Sometimes shy DC love having a pet they can spend a lot of time with and it takes the focus away from you and her.

Obviously don't try this if you haven't the time or inclination but it can be very therapeutic for many to have the focus and love for a pet.

No specific advice but just to say be kind to yourself

Op please don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing your best with what you have. I too have, had I should say, a shy child (Don't blame yourself for this, as I am the polar opposite so have had a lot of learning to do) Things that worked for us:

1. Playdates. Ask dd to choose one or two of the nicest girls or boys in her class and invite them over for tea. Make sure you have planned activities such as making slime or crafts, so that the onerous isn't on dd to make it a success. Initially you plan the whole thing so she doesn't feel pressure, and slowly but surely you can back away as she becomes more confident. Play music in the background so conversation isn't always required, and chat to the children yourself and ask questions, so that dd knows what to do next time. Making food together or baking is always fun

2. Tea party or picnic with six or seven children in the garden with a few games

3. Sign her up for some clubs to make new friends outside of school

4. Invite family and friends over so your child sees how people interact.

As time goes by she will relax and enjoy the experiences more and more. It should help improve her friendship circles at school by doing this every week or every other week if you have to, and keep reinforcing how well she is doing. Perhaps setting her a target each day and then a reward. Speaking up in class, asking a question, introducing herself to a new friend etc.

With regards to the shouting and controlling you have noticed in yourself. Start to notice what triggers that behaviour. Are you tired? Worn out? When can hear that critical voice, stop. take a breathe and replace it with something positive. This will needs lots of practice. When you start shouting, apologise to your dd straight away and go and put yourself on the naughty step. Make a joke of it, it does not always need to be serious. Explain that you have a screaming banshee side that try to keep in check, and every now and then it pops out, so it must be put back in. Why not ask your dd to help, if she can hear your voice increasing in volume, she can tell you, and then you can take yourself off for ten minutes until you can be calm again.

As for your dh, that is a longer term problem and one that will need addressing. You are probably burnt out because he is not helping in any way. Can you go to relate to address his lack of emotional involvement?

I would get things right for your dd first, get yourself in check and then deal with the dh in that order.

I would also enlist any family or close friends to help with dd if this is possible, so you can have a break whilst you fix this.

Take time for yourself whenever you can. Often when we are over extended for long periods of time it becomes harder to manage our emotions and feelings.

IDK if this will be of any help to you, but I was a cripplingly shy child up until I was about 13 and hit the teen years.
It had nothing to do with my parents, they didn't handle it well but they didn't cause it and I don't blame them.

Therapy is helping you but its a long term solution to your general problems and you have identified where you need more urgent and specific help.
So look into anger management, assertiveness training, and CBT as soon as you can.

And what you can do straight away is apologise to your DD, hug her, tell her you love her, and that you are having a hard time. But you are getting help to change, and you will try to listen to her if she talks to you.

I agree with outsourcing, it takes a village and all that. Clubs, relatives etc - set up something regular and use that time to be kind to your self. Be your own friend first so you can be a friend to others. Try to eat/sleep/exercise well every day. Would a group activity be fun for you and a way to widen your social circle a bit? Book club/running/stitchnbitch/choir etc.

When you do daily time with dc give a choice rather than dictate so reading then offer 3 books for her to choose from, or 3 games or whatever. It isn't fun unless she has a say in it too.

Therapy is sometimes about looking at the ugly bits of life to work out how to turn them into something constructive. I know that sounds a bit vague but in your case the fact that you are questioning your parenting, recognising your actions and acting to improve things means that the therapy is productive and you are not a shit mum. Shit parents are the ones who never accept fault and refuse to adapt, you are seeking ways to adapt and improve. Recognise that and give yourself a pat on the back. Don't be disheartened if you feel there are two steps forward and one step back, keep going.

Very basic rules for day to day behaviour can be;

1. Know when to walk away

That's your job as the grown up, if you feel an unkind or unconstructive thought or action about to come out of your mouth then walk away and take a moment, go to the loo, just nip through to the other room to get something whatever - exit the situation, take a big deep breath and return with something entirely different to say. Keep doing it and it will become an easier habit with time.

2. Look at the behaviour and consider how you would feel if a nanny did that to your child.

So look at the behaviour you or your husband or whoever is showing as primary carer and think how would you feel if someone you paid for childcare behaved that way, would you expect higher standards? Would your tolerate and continue to pay that person as a professional? Would you be shocked to find another adult treating your child this way in your absence? Use this question in your head as a guage to measure appropriate behaviour and maintain control (both yourself and your DH), correct bullying when you see/feel it, let your child know you are prepared to step in and insist on good behaviour. Lead by example.

3. Do your homework.

You're doing this with therapy and by coming on here to ask. Keep at it, get reading and if reading isn't your thing then download audio books and listen. The how to talk so kids listen series is a good starting point. When your own childhood is not something that wants repeating then as a parent you have a bit more studying to do because your blueprint for parenting is in need of a rewrite. It's totally doable just needs a bit of extra work, luckily there is loads of advice around to cherry pick from and build your own parenting style, then you just have to practice until it becomes second nature. The best bit is that your dc benefits by growing up with a better blueprint.

One of the best tools I had for little dc is to name their emotions, this helps them recognise and develop as well as reminding the adults that children are learning and not quite there yet. So "I know you are feeling sad/hungry/tired let's have a hug/get supper ready/put pjs on and see if that helps?" Do this enough with any child and they quickly get better at telling what they feel and acting appropriately. Self regulation takes a long time to learn but monkey see monkey do and if kids are shown anger or frustration then that is what they will display as a response to everything not just anger. You've identified that this is happening so again good parenting, now apply the tools for learning and dealing with a whole emotional spectrum.

Say sorry when you are wrong and mean it. Not long drawn out drama just "sorry I should not have said that, I was wrong" then move on. There is no perfect parent, we all make mistakes, what matters is owning up to them.

Sorry this is so long, you have time to sort this out but get to it, work hard and fast. Like a pp said this hits a nerve. Lots of us have to learn parenting against the odds. Life is a nice place to be and you are well on the way to making yours so you can see and feel that all of the time (as it should be) instead of just occasionally. Your DH will either get on board with this or not, you can't control him but you can influence the environment you choose for your dd to flourish in. Focus on what you can choose.

SpeakUpXXWomen what you wrote was really, really helpful. I found it helpful.

BirthdayCakeforme I can't offer any better advice than you've already got here. But just want to say I hope it gets better for you and your dd .

Thank you Ocean, I am glad.

The OP is so sad but so past the difficult bit and onto better things already without realising yet. Part of having children is reliving your own childhood and if that wasn't good the result can be soul shaking, it can be hard to accept and progress from. All sorts of stuffed away memories sneak out at inopportune times to remind you of horrible feelings long avoided. There is definitely a decisive moment I think where you must choose to do differently in order to comfort yourself past and present and not repeat history. Abuse survivors can be especially hard on themselves as parents because they know all too well what it is to be that child, my personal experience is that the way out of that vicious circle is clear and simple guidelines I can revert back to whenever I am overwhelmed. The rest comes with practice and self care and the space that gives.

If it's any use at all I am 16 yrs in and although it is much easier than at the start I still feel like I am faking it sometimes so need the rules as above but the lovely thing about now and the interweb is, even for introverts, it is right there, all the help support experience is right there for the asking.

Thank fuck for that, because I'd be a much worse parent without it

After all this is only my opinion and what has helped me and everyone has to find their own way.

Have a look at therapeutic parenting. There is a page on Facebook that you can join.

Oh that poor wee soul.....

You’ve had good advice here to help. If you want someone to handhold with as you change behaviour I would happily offer my hand. I have similar issues with our children although less about being shy but angry-im sure it comes from a similar place. I’m trying to do the ‘create yourself happy’ book with them to help build self confidence with them.

You sound lovely, unhappy but not shit!

Some people are just shy. It's not your fault, it's not hers.
It will take time.
In that time you will make mistakes with her. But you can correct them and try to be softer with her.
We alllll make mistakes with our children. Every day. But it is the good ones that recognise that and want to do better.
As she grows you can find something that she has an interest in. Drama is really good for confidence.
Or find something that she loves and encourage that. But she's only young so take your time, there is no rush.
Read with her, every night, to give her calm special time with you. Tell her you love her and that you are proud of her EVERY night as yu finish reading.
That's all she needs from you.
xx