Brother in law can't look after his own children

[Pugpigprick]

Just that really.

He's always complained of a 'bad back' (doesn't stop him playing sports funny enough) which meant he has never done bath time. The girls are 6 & 8 with no SEN/extra needs.

I was over there and my sister was going out and so was I. We had a busy day and the kids needed a bath/shower before bed. My sister asked my BIL if he could get the kids ready for bed so he scuttled upstairs to ask if I could get them ready. I told him that I needed to shower myself and i didn't have time as we were getting packed up of which I got told 'cant you just take them in the shower with you'. Which is fine - I've done this before but it still takes time. I got them out, started to get ready and the girls were slightly hyper then he asked me where their PJs were kept (they've lived in the same house and had the same storage system).

Another time my sister was out and I was meeting her but had to pop in the house to pick up my jacket. It's 10:30 and the girls are messing around in their room fully dressed and no intention of going to bed. I ask him why the kids are still up and his reply was 'i told them to go to bed'. I told them to brush their teeth, put on their PJs and within 10mins they were snoozing their heads off.

The 8 year old lost her tooth and she ran to me first and placed the bloomin' thing in my hand. I sorted her out and my BIL came down from watching the football and asked her why she didn't come to him/why I didn't call him. To be honest I forgot he was even in the house as my sister had errands to do.

He obviously loves them to pieces but doesn't have a clue what to do with them. My sister says as he's older he's just from a different generation but it upsets her a lot which upsets me too. She's asked me if anything ever happens to them both for me to have them which I would in a heart beat. She's also asked if anything happens to her that id move closer as BIL wouldn't be able to look after them himself.

The final straw is that I've planned a city night away for her big birthday which his first question was 'who would look after the kids'.

I know it's not my problem but it upsets my sister so much that the girls don't really have a relationship with BIL and that she does all the childcare (he does do a lot of the cleaning and cooks often - makes sure they don't do without financially). But it also upsets me so much that I don't want to be around him.

What different generation?
My DH is in his 60s and always shared things like bath and bedtime equally.

@TeenTimesTwo

He's younger than your DH and a lot younger than my dad who did the bedtime routine. The difference is that my dad enjoyed it (I'm sure there was times when he didnt/didn't want to but did). He has to essentially be begged by my sister. My sister tries to encourage him to bond with the girls by giving him fun things to do i.e. building a snowman/riding a bike but he expects a gold medal and posts it on Facebook like he's super dad

Your sister needs to go out every night for a fortnight until BIL steps up.
Ridiculous not to be able to put his own children to bed.

The age thing is just an excuse - lazy sod! My DH is mid fifties, (was mid 40's when DD was born), and he's totally hands-on, to the extent he was a SAHD for 3 years! Your sis needs to tell him to shape up and parent his own kids.

He's a lazy git.

Wow your sister is being generous saying it's a different generation thing! He's lazy and pointless and the kids will work that out very quickly. I feel for your sister but don't really understand why she doesn't confront it. He can change it's his choice. She should definitely go away and leave him in charge. I'm in my mid 50s and I don't know any Dads like that!

The age thing is rubbish, I'm a child of the late 1940s/50s and when my Dad was home he would always do his share of looking after my sister and I, getting us ready for bed etc.

He does have his pros as I said of doing cooking/cleaning without being asked. He does the gardening and often works overtime as he says 'for the girls'.

My sister was thinking of leaving him a few years ago but as she says that's not going to make his and the girls relationship better.

It's hard because I love the girls so much and they do pick up that their dad doesn't really bother - he goes to recitals and the odd sports game but never parents evening as he doesn't think he need to go as my sister is there.

If he's begged/moaned at to do something with them he ends up frustrated and so does the girls. He went away for the weekend and when he came back late Sunday they didn't even notice that he was gone. One Saturday the youngest mentioned that he had been at work all day but he was in the house the whole day.

If he does 'babysit' (if you can babysit your own children) they're plonked Infront of the TV the whole time and given snacks/food at the sofa/maybe a trip to McDonald's.

The youngest will scream if he's babysitting begging us to not go out but won't notice if my sis goes out and they're left with me.

My poor sister is broken over it and doesn't even bother asking him to do things - I've got to the point where I don't want to see him (we used to have great relationship prekids).