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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to fight the Wedding battle

26 replies

maartjebaabes · 23/04/2019 15:53

My DD is getting married next year. DW died 4 years ago. DFSIL (dear future son in law!) has two divorced parents both remarried.
DD has invited my DP of 3 years, but whilst I will be at the top table, DP will be on one of the standard guest tables with grandparents, cousins, aunts etc. DD wants an empty chair where her DM would have been.
I think this is absolutely fine – if new partners were at the top table then there would be 6 spaces there, and in other circs 8. DP thinks this is a slight and they should be at top table.
AIBU to direct DP here? www.getyourgriphere.com

OP posts:
foreverhanging · 23/04/2019 15:55

YANBU op !

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 15:58

Your DP is BU

NotMyUsualTopBilling · 23/04/2019 15:58

YANBU.

It's up to your DD and Son In Law to decide who sits where, I think their plan sounds like a lovely way to include your DW.

CurbsideProphet · 23/04/2019 15:59

I think it's lovely that you are supporting your daughter to have the wedding that she wants Smile

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/04/2019 15:59

Your dd is nbu however if you speak to your partner like that thene expect to be single pretty quickly.

Whoops75 · 23/04/2019 16:00

You are not being unreasonable.

Your partner should be told It’s not the time or her place to argue.

LL83 · 23/04/2019 16:00

Yanbu DP of 3 years should get a grip. Empty chair in honour of brides mum is lovely.

The wedding battle is with your dp. Tell them to forget it and move on or see it as a wake up call about how attention seeking and self centred they are.

mummmy2017 · 23/04/2019 16:01

Tell your DW...
This is DD wedding, to have to go with what she wants.. I don't think you have a right to be at the table, also none of the other partners will be . .

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 16:01

however if you speak to your partner like that thene expect to be single pretty quickly.

Like what? Hmm

blackteasplease · 23/04/2019 16:02

Yes DP is being U.

LL83 · 23/04/2019 16:03

@plantpotparrot I would expect dp more likely to find themselves single due to lack of empathy for bride missing mother.

Poloshot · 23/04/2019 16:03

Your DP can like it or lump without beating around the bush.

Topseyt · 23/04/2019 16:11

Your DD isn't being unreasonable. It is her wedding and this is how she wants to acknowledge her late mother.

I can see why your partner is a little put out, but she needs to understand that it isn't her place to say anything. She is not actually the mother of the bride, so cannot expect to take that place.

You need to explain that to gently and tactfully at first, but a little more forcefully if she persists.

Your partner could be seated at a table just in front of the top table, so would hardly be far removed from things at all.

anyoldvic · 23/04/2019 16:20

Your DD has chosen how she wants to honour her mother and that is fine. It might have been nice to include your new partner at the top table out of respect for you and the fact that life goes on (unless there's a backstory between DD and DP) but DD has made her choice. She may come to realise that decisions like these are not without consequences, however.

IME top tables are a throwback that should be banished and forgotten, especially in circumstances like these.

LL83 · 23/04/2019 16:24

@anyoldvic a step mother of 25 years who knew op as a child would potentially feel a little upset. 3 years is really not a long time and the partners of the grooms parents are not at top table either.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/04/2019 16:26

Like telling them to get a grip. Maybe they do lack empathy but there are nicer ways to explain why theyre not on the top table than telling them to get a grip.

If op was going to leave their dp for being unsympathetic surely theyd have done it by now.

LL83 · 23/04/2019 16:29

Telling partner to get a grip is a reason to split??? Not to me it isn't. Especially when it is true.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/04/2019 16:32

Well thats your prerogative but i personally find it rude and disrespectful.

Dressless · 23/04/2019 16:36

If your DW died four years ago the. Presumably your DP hasn’t really dontmych by way of adopting a ‘parenting’ role. The top table is for parents. Being your girlfriend doesn’t make her your dds mother, it makes her her DF’s girlfriend. Nothing more. No reason why she should expect a place.

Pinkcat231 · 23/04/2019 16:45

I agree with the other posters, not only is it up to your DD to honour her DM any way she wants but it would also put pressure on her to include all the other step parents who may have been around longer too.

I’m sure you’d find plenty of past threads on here where the new partners aren’t even invited so maybe show your DP one of those to give her a bit of perspective?

Dvg · 23/04/2019 16:52

Good on you for putting your DD first,i agree your GF should not be in her mothers place as she is NOT her mother so she either doesnt attend or goes and deals with your DD's wishes, i would want my mothers seat free as well.

how dare your DP feel she has a right to sit on the main familys table and as she has only been with you for 3 years i wouldnt be expecting to be in all the main family photos either, sorry if it upsets her but she isnt part of the family... she is just the girlfriend of the girls father...

Purpleartichoke · 23/04/2019 16:53

Your DP is being unreasonable. It would be differently if the mother had died long ago and the new partner had raised your child with you. Instead, the new partner is just a respected, and possibly loved, spouse, not a parent. There is a difference and a wedding will be a time when your child feels the loss of a mother acutely.

anyoldvic · 23/04/2019 16:57

It's a party, a meal, where the hosts should seek to make sure that their guests feel comfortable and relaxed and happy to be there. It shouldn't be about creating a a historical tableau of how things used to be at the expense of people's comfort.

I really don't know why people think they can be so dismissive of their other people's feelings and relationships at an occasion that is
supposed to be all about celebrating a relationship.

tillytrotter1 · 23/04/2019 16:58

I got an earful about this at our daughter's wedding, his father thought that his wife should be at the top table instead of sitting with some friends of ours, his ex-wife was naturally at the top table. My opinion then was it could mean a very big top table in some cases if steps etc were included! I came close to telling him that his wife was probably enjoying herself far more than I was too.

NancyJoan · 23/04/2019 17:06

Honestly, I think it's peculiar to not seat guests with their partners, however, it's very much their call, not your DP's.

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