How do I deal with my new life

[Sheldonsaysbazinga]

Not really an AIBU but i am seeking advice and new perspective.

DH and I are in the middle of a separation/divorce. i found out he was on dating sites and meeting numerous women. he said he was sorry but didn't want to consider couples counseling to see if there was a chance for us so i decided i couldn't continue with the relationship.

i know that i am taking myself and my children out of a toxic relationship but i do not know what to do with these feelings of massive guilt and failure.

i will be the first in my family (both siblings and cousins) to be divorced, my family love me unconditionally and they are super supportive but i hate to disappoint them like this.

my 8yo DD seems to be always angry at me and has totally refused to be co-operative in every situation. she talks rudely to me and sometimes she hits her brother 6yo. i have tried talking to her several times, sent her to her room, etc but nothing seems to work.

my 6yoDS who is usually very confident and bubbly seems to have lost his spark, he is a lot more withdrawn and prefers to play by himself or play video games. he does not want to speak to his dad when he calls and he always begs to stay with me when his dad want to take them for the weekend.

Luckily, my 2yo DS is blissfully unaware lol.

my question is how do i help my kids deal with this change in their life? people that have gone through this, what do you know now that you wished you knew then? will i ever stop feeling like a loser? how do you deal with an emotionally abusive ex partner that is prone to pettiness?

Please, i don't mean to offend anybody with this post.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. You have done nothing wrong. If you catch yourself talking like that in your head, then remind yourself that it is your husband who is at fault. He should be feeling guilty.

I wish people would realise that ending a relationship due to poor behaviour from the other person isn't a failure. The relationship has ended, through no fault of yours. These things happen.

I'm sure there will be expert posters along in a while to give you advice on what to do about your children and their reactions to this so far. I would say just to keep talking and listening to them, and remember that you are the parent that is there all the time. Expressing anger to you is the only outlet your DD has. It may take a while for her to process how she feels, and to be able to express it.

Thanks for the response.
if only my brain would register that it isn't my fault sigh.

Please, more input will be appreciated especially on how to help my kids.

Hi I left the father of my children after he got drunk and ‘did something’ in a car park with a woman (don’t know exactly but didn’t care, he cheated so that was that)

It was especially difficult as he was begging me back and telling my then 6 year old son that he wanted to come back but I wasn’t letting him so the blame was on me, not his actions.

Things I found really helpful we’re sitting down and really listening to my children. Letting them talk about their feelings and helping them to make sense of it all.

Being as civil, friendly and nice and never bad mouthing their dad. If he was ever rude, manipulative or did things to get a rise I’d totally stonewall it and ‘train’ him to see that only positive, respectful conversations got a response. Never show your kids or ex you are upset. Ever.

Talk positively about the future. Make plans. Keep things as normal as possible.

It is SO hard as it’s one big fake act for a while but by putting their emotional needs at the forefront of everything you say and do pays dividends.

I have a great relationship with my ex now as I refused to enter into conflict and the children who are now teens talk to me about anything, are happy and have positive relationships with us both and others around them.

Fake it till you make it basically! Good luck OP.

Thanks for the response.

Being as civil, friendly and nice and never bad mouthing their dad. If he was ever rude, manipulative or did things to get a rise I’d totally stonewall it and ‘train’ him to see that only positive, respectful conversations got a response. Never show your kids or ex you are upset. Ever

Thank you for this, I need to remember it more often. He likes to do things to get a response from me. Over the years, I have gotten better at ignoring him, then he would kick it up a notch and sometimes succeeded.

I read an article once that said something along the lines of "if you thought your partner was emotionally abusive, try divorcing him and watch him become 10 times worse " that terrified me.

Allow yourself to mourn your relationship. All your hopes, dreams and life plans bound up in the relationship can have a habit of eating away at you and leave you feeling guilty for your children, family, own expectations.

I found my children were surprisingly emotionally aware of what was going on when XH left. They were 3 and 1. Not in an adult sense but that I was emotional and their behaviour reflected this. When I started to look after myself a little more, they became more relaxed too.

I think offering stability, consistency and being available should they have questions, is the best way forwards. Time is an amazing heeler.

Try not to overanalyze and add additional layers of guilt regarding behaviours. You made the right decision for you as an adult and for your family for long term happiness but adjustment and the fruits of your efforts will take time.

If it helps my 8yo DD (im now in my 2nd marriage) also has quite uncooperative phases. She hits her 13yo brother when frustrated (which we obviously try to deal with before he retaliates). Some behaviour is frustration and some is just a phase. Much we'll never fully understand.

It takes so much courage to do what you’ve done OP. You’re not a failure. Quite the reverse.

You’ve taken a stand against abusive behaviour and that’s to be commended. Be proud of yourself and your self worth, well done! Your children will settle into the new normal as will you but in the meantime any kind of change can be a challenge.

Sometimes it’s easier to stay in a bad relationship out of fear but the compounded misery isn’t worth it.

Just make sure you have a good lawyer to protect your position if you think your ex’s abusive tendencies will escalate.

Although it’s tough on all of you, stay firm but fair with your children. Try to maintain your usual parenting standards and reinforce that hitting is totally unacceptable. There have to be consistent consequences for that. Agree with pp that some parenting challenges are the same no matter what the circumstances.

Wishing you all the very best

Therapy.
Counselling for you.
You and dc family therapy.
Their behaviours are a response to the situation .....listen and empathise . don t punish them.
You will all get thru this.
But go to gp and ask for referral to get support.

Thanks everyone for the kindness and support. i am seeing a therapist and she is very helpful.

You’ve taken a stand against abusive behaviour and that’s to be commended. Be proud of yourself and your self worth, well done!

thank you for this. the whole situation is overwhelming sometimes. i wish i can just wake up and be at the end of the tunnel where the proverbial light is at.