To expect people to not free load and atleast say thanks if they do

[Bobcut]

In a nutshell, me, dh, our kids, sil and her husband bil and their baby and other sil went out for the day. I took a lot of snacks and food for everyone and got extra things they requested. Cost about £25 that was ok.

Then at lunch I had brought lunch for me the kids and the baby, plus the drinks and sides and bil went to get burger and fries, he ordered himself, his wife, baby and other sil one, my dh then said yes I’ll have a burger and fries too, each of these are £9.50, bil and sil just stood there and dh ended up paying for it.

How the hell does that make sense, you order 4 meals and let the one ordering 1 pay for the big bill of nearly £50. Who even orders a meal like that for a baby, and had already asked me to get the baby’s meal before coming which I did.

All in all they had a free day and we paid around £75.

No thanks, didn’t even finish their food, no thanks at the end- happens all the time.

The couple sil and bil always do this, never pay their way and the non married sil never doesn’t even bring money half the time.

How can people free load like this
We all work we all have a mortgage bills kids, since when should we keep spending and they save all theirs ???

I am curious about your bringing things they ‘requested’. What does that mean?

Atleast say thanks guys at the end of the day just that means something

That makes sense to you, because you're a decent person; but to them, saying thanks would cement the fact that it was very generous of your DH (albeit in a pressured way).

By not thanking you, in a way, they're trying to gaslight you into thinking that you did no more than your expected basic duty (which is ridiculous anyway, as you still normally thank waiters, shop assistants, taxi drivers etc for doing the job they're paid to do - it's just basic human kindness).

Glad your DH is now resolute about not being taken advantage of again. Their grounds for expecting you to pay are so ludicrous that, if you catch them by surprise next time by not paying and they suddenly realise that they have no means (or budget) to pay for what they've ordered and fearfully begin trying to blame you for not subbing them yet again, they're just going to be digging themselves an enormous hole and make themselves look so utterly stupid and grabby it'll be hilarious to watch!.

Sounds like my MIL. Gets DH to take her for a ‘cup of tea’ despite having a perfect kettle at home then will order a breakfast etc whilst he maybe has a small drink then when they go to pay she stands there looking gormless. DH thinks ‘oh I suppose i’m paying!’

We just feel too embarrassed to say it to them ourselves.

This is what the CFs are counting on!

Firstly, if you do have to go out with them, always make sure you have enough cash (tenners, fivers, coins) so you can your exact bill. If they say anything, tell them you've only got enough to pay for your own.

Don't order food together with them! Get your own separately. If you eat a restaurant, ask the waiter for a separate bill.

Don't book tickets for them (even if they say they'll pay you back), book your own or tell them to book them and you'll pay them when you get there.

But best of all, would be to call them out on it. There's no shame in it. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, they should be embarrassed! So next time they want to order food together say 'I'll order separately to keep things simple', or next time they ask you to buy snacks, tell them 'We've already got our snacks, you guys should get what you fancy'.

Knowing what they are like, you need to not put your hands in your pockets for them in foyer.

Don’t ask what snacks they want.
Wait till they’ve paid for their food (don’t go anywhere near) and if DH wants burger and chips-get it 5 minutes later.

He said he will say something to mil so she can indirectly say it to them.

That won't help in fact it could make things worse as what should be a clear and adult conversation between you, dh and your SILs and BIL will turn into an unseemly round of "he said/she said/mum said", the message will become diluted, exaggerated, confused, and end up with cries of "why didn't you just say something to us instead of going behind our backs to mum?"

We just feel too embarrassed to say it to them ourselves.

Why? They are not embarrassed by their actions why do you feel embarrassed by your perfectly reasonable reaction to them? What are you afraid of? You are adults, these are members of your family you spend enough time with them to feel comfortable/happy with them yet you don't feel you can be honest with them? Why do you need to hide behind a third party to speak for you?

Just tell them clearly and unequivocally how their behaviour makes you feel and that you will not be putting up with it anymore.

If you go out with them again take cash only. Figure out roughly what it will cost you, add an extra ten just in case and leave all cards at home (maybe take one for emergencies, but hide it somewhere). When it comes to paying you take out what you have, make it clear you only have that amount and let the others sort out what they owe.