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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder whether Buddhism might help with persistent feelings of anxiety and inadequacy when other things have failed?

20 replies

ooglyboo · 23/04/2019 11:48

Hi everybody. I am writing on an especially anxiety-laden return to work following the Easter break. The background to this is that I am mid-40s and overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and failure. I have felt like this pretty much all my life, and struggled a bit with disordered eating when younger for example.

From the outside I probably look quite sorted (lovely kids, nice husband, comfortable house, earn well, good job, active-ish social life) but inside I feel like an utter failure. At the moment my feelings of failure are especially directed at work where I am nowhere near as successful as I would like or (increasingly) compared to many (younger) peers. Equally, I recognise intellectually that almost no achievement would make me feel a success.

Anyway, I have tried various things over the years, including a bit of counselling. I haven't tried medication largely because I DO cope and in many ways have a good life and (no judgement here) would prefer not to unless I have to. I just don't have much peace of mind and it's tiring and distracting constantly battling these feelings.

So AIBU to think that Buddhism might help? I have read a bit about it and it seems to make a lot of sense. I just wondered if anyone else grappling with similar feelings has tried this too when all else has failed? I don't mean becoming a practising Buddhist, just trying to incorporate its teachings more actively into everyday life! This is probably a bit niche, but any thoughts/experience would be gratefully received.

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ooglyboo · 23/04/2019 11:54

Blimey, this thread moves very fast. Wonder whether I should move this to mental health.

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MollysLips · 23/04/2019 12:08

I'm the same! I've never considered Buddhism but only because I don't know much about it. I had considered rejoining my local Christian church, though.

I will follow with interest. :)

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 23/04/2019 12:10

I'm not sure about the teachings of buddhism. I'm personally not at all spiritual or a believer in the supernatural elements of religious groups. But I found buddhist meditation very calming, and I think it might be worth you trying it.

ooglyboo · 23/04/2019 12:21

Thanks for replying Molly and Fiddlesticks. I have ordered a couple of books from Amazon. The things about Buddhism which appeal are staying in the moment - obviously this has been translated into a lot of other sorts of therapy I guess. But this morning for example I have spent most of my time pondering why I am so crap and what I should do with my life and what I have done with my life … when I could have just stayed in the moment and got on with some work! Also ideas of attachment and the ego. I think that some of my problems are the result of a large and fragile ego (I think I am more important than I am!) tied to a certain amount of self-obsession and insecurity (I also think I am rubbish). I THINK that Buddhism deals with some of this. I need to find out how though!

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FishBulb · 23/04/2019 12:33

The teachings of Buddhism have a great deal to offer, both spiritually, and psychologically. I'm not Buddhist, I like to refer to myself as a "Buddhaphile", 😊 but my mental health has benefitted greatly from what I have learned from reading books, and attending classes for several years. Meditation can really help.

That being said, you might also find that continued counselling, and possibly medication can help too. Buddhism is very inclusive, and embraces the idea that there are many paths up the mountain!

MollysLips · 23/04/2019 12:44

Did you have alcoholic parents? How we feel is quite common in people with alcoholic or addicted parents, I've recently discovered.

SignOnTheWindow · 23/04/2019 13:29

A few years ago, I was asked to teach RE for a while. I was surprised by how helpful I, personally, found the content on Buddhism.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

ooglyboo · 23/04/2019 13:40

Hi all, Again, thanks so much for responding, that sounds encouraging.

Molly - no, I didn't have alcoholic parents. I did have certain complications in my childhood which might help to explain why I feel like this. And I know that my Mum feels much the same and I have probably learnt some behaviours and thought patterns from her (I don't blame her, she had a rough childhood herself). But knowing that intellectually has not helped me to get rid of the feelings. Not at all.

To some extent, I think feeling anxious is part of life. Life is stressful. Sometimes I wonder whether how I feel is much worse than other people. Or in fact who I would be without these constant thoughts. But it's bloody tiring and I can only imagine that it would feel like a massive load had been lifted if I could just lose some of these feelings rather than simply managing them!

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TheInebriati · 23/04/2019 13:42

Buddhism might help you feel better in the short term but long term CBT will help you more.

TFBundy · 23/04/2019 13:48

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ooglyboo · 23/04/2019 13:50

That's interesting Thelnebriati. I have wondered about CBT. I have not really tried it. Maybe I should look into it. Do you think it needs to be with a trained practitioner or can you do CBT yourself? I must admit to feeling a bit helpless in the face of it all. I have felt like this for so long and of course I am convinced that I feel like a failure because I AM a failure. Even when I try to tell myself something different. It all sounds so bloody self-obsessed when written down like this.

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ooglyboo · 23/04/2019 13:57

Good luck with the meditation TFBundy. I use exercise as a form of meditation I think - it is one of the few things that can give me relief from the constant negative chatter in my mind and keep me in the moment. My brain seems to want to attack itself - and one of the only times it can't do that is when it is focusing on keeping me upright during a HIIT session or equivalent! I think this could be avoidance though rather than actually tackling the problem because my brain returns to normal service soon after.

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MollysLips · 23/04/2019 15:13

CBT would help -- I've just had 10 sessions with a counsellor for my anxiety and it's helped me a lot. A LOT.

Beeziekn33ze · 23/04/2019 15:18

My experience of Buddhism is that it is calming and non-judgemental.

AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 23/04/2019 15:43

My mum is a practising Buddhist, she has a huge network of very supportive friends now and she loves it. It keeps her social and gets her out of the house to go to meetings and stuff. The type of Buddhism she practises is Nichiren and it's not even close to how you see Buddhism portrayed on TV, no sitting on the floor cross legged and going 'Ommmmmmmmmmmm'.

MitziK · 23/04/2019 15:54

Maybe not the belief itself (it's fine, but it can be a bit full on to effectively take on an entire religion with all the different languages, the cultural perspectives - such as a lot of Buddhists, contrary to the Western version, will eat meat/fish - and is more likely to become an 'irritation' after the initial enthusiasm).

But when you are struggling so much, a good start would be to make time for specifically Buddhist style meditations - exercise is brilliant, as you are aware, but one of the things I found helpful wasn't switching off the chatter as much as allowing it to go on and keep returning to the practices during the sessions run by the nearest Buddhist Centre.

I've always tried to push negative things away or out of my head, but after a few sessions of actual Buddhist meditation (not the 'mindfulness' or 'meditation' bollocks toshed out by people who actually don't understand it, including a counsellor), I remember one particular session. I'd become familiar with Breathing, Loving Kindness and Walking Meditation, but wasn't all that keen on the latter two - I would come out of Breathing Meditation sessions feeling happy and 'bouncy'. They were enjoyable.

We were following Mindfulness of Breathing/Anapanasati practises and I was sat on the floor in a position where the summer sunshine fell in through the side doors to the garden onto my face. I could smell the incense, the flowers adorning the Buddha state (they used the shrine room), hear a few birds over the sound of traffic and drilling and building in the city centre where they had their premises.

I was hit by the most intense feeling of sadness, terrible sadness. I wouldn't have been able to get up and leave because it would have disturbed others in the session - especially as I was aware of pins and needles starting in one leg because I hadn't quite got my position right, so would have probably fallen over with a dead leg and flattened somebody else in the process. I felt that crying would have disturbed others. Doing anything would have disturbed others. So I had to stay there and feel it. Every scrap of sadness - and it hurt. I kept breathing as much as I could. I kept trying to go back to the breathing, but the sadness and pain wasn't going away. So I sat and felt it properly for as long as the rest of the session lasted. I forgot about the pins and needles creeping into my leg, the birds, the traffic and everything else. I had to feel that sadness without disturbing anybody else.

And it started to fade. The pain lessened, I became aware of the warmth of the sunlight on my face again, the sound of a singing bowl ringing out and began to turn my attention to the feeling of my breath again.

I felt something changed in me that day. I felt stronger. Because I'd felt that pain and sadness in its entirety before it faded away in just under an hour. And the phrase 'this will pass' makes perfect sense now.

I'm definitely not a Buddhist. But I cannot overemphasise how helpful going against my instincts and seemingly doing 'nothing' but follow Buddhist practices as guided by Buddhists, rather than practitioners, counsellors, therapists or anybody offering an introductory price on ten classes, helped me.

I'm going back there soon. I can tell that I need to refresh/reset, as I've been losing track of it. Especially this last week.

In short - don't look to the belief to fix things, look into the practices as they teach them (there is no proselytising - if you catch a sniff of it, run for the hills, as that isn't Buddhism) and you might find what you need to become more at peace with yourself.

ooglyboo · 23/04/2019 16:15

Gosh, thanks again those who responded to this.

@mitzik, that sounds amazing. And really instructive. I think I can understand some of what you are saying in that my management technique involves constantly trying to run away from the chatter rather than accepting it. The idea of quiet meditation is … horrible! I do like/need to keep busy by which I don't mean always working necessarily for example but I do mean constant distraction - either reading or nowadays just dicking about on Instagram or something. I find it very, very difficult just to 'be' with the kids or with myself as then my thoughts run wild.

Anyway. I can see the point about the practice not the belief. I think you mean don't just read the beliefs and identify with them (which I had been hoping to do) but actually do the practice too. Do you think it's important to do this as a group, in a centre? I am a terrible non-joiner inner. But equally the thought of making myself sit alone for thirty minutes to meditate seems nearly as likely as flying to the moon right now!

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MitziK · 23/04/2019 16:51

You're absolutely right, @ooglyboo.

I would not - could not - do it by myself. I needed the concern for others to keep me there.

I'm one of life's 'fixers'. I fix things, understand how they work and do something about problems. I have the attention span of the average flea. At home, I can be distracted by the kitchen sink needing cleaning, the cat wanting attention, the doorbell, DP, anything and everything. Going there took me away from all that - my phone was outside the room, nobody else had theirs, I didn't even have shoes or standard clothes to bother me, as I was barefoot and wearing yoga pants and a loose gym vest.

Whilst I feel that I need to go back for a while now, what I experienced there in that session around ten years ago has helped me all the way through the following years to the point of last night as my brother died. What I learned in that shrine room made it possible to stay with him, manage fear, panic and most likely a fairly significant overdose of caffeinated drinks and, through the pain, tiredness and pounding heart I could read from his favourite book (the most gloriously inappropriate one imaginable) and, as I finished, I walked with him in the dead of night to the theatre door where he was to donate his organs, legs shaking, and told him to go. And I meant it.

I'm not remotely religious, but if a few hours sat in a group context feeling immensely uncomfortable could give me what I needed to get through the last ten years, the last week and particularly last night, then yes - please do try it.

ooglyboo · 23/04/2019 17:36

@mitzik - I am so sorry about your brother. I can't imagine what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your experience with me especially at such a terrible time. Best wishes for the coming days, weeks and months.

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MitziK · 23/04/2019 18:00
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