To ask about unreasonable behaviour (divorce)

[AvocadoYUK]

So I has recently been put in situation where I will have to arrange my divorce but looking at all the information I will have to wait 2 years before I can be separated!
For those who used unreasonable behaviour as a reason for divorce , can I ask what that unreasonable behaviour was??? Xxx

Xx

Violence, smashing the house up, and spending every penny we had on alcohol.

It doesn't have to be ridiculous and don't let a solicitor take you down that path. I cited the fact that XH had basically checked out of the marriage and had changed his mind about having children. This is where things can get nasty, but they don't have to. Incompatibility, with examples, is what my solicitor said.

Whoever is alleging unreasonable behaviour needs to set out what it is about their spouse they cannot reasonably be expected to live with. So if you have chosen to divorce, you need to explain what it isn't you can't tolerate about your spouse. If it is them, then you'd need to use their actions in no longer wanting to be with you. Is your spouse likely to contest it? As that will likely impact quite how unreasonable the behaviour actually needs to be

Yeah I feel like it has to be on the "extreme" side for it to be taken in divorce, don't think either of us feel that strongly about actions (ex)h says he simply has fallen out of love /no longer compatible x

With my divorce I noted things such as living separate lives under the same roof. Separate bedrooms, no intimacy at all, no interest in family life, we shopped, cooked and ate separately. There was also some verbal/emotional abuse.

It doesn’t need to be extreme - lack of affection, refusal to do activities together, no sex life, lack of affection etc.

My DM filed for divorce for this reason. She cited a few incidents such as my fathers alcohol abuse, an incident of physical abuse towards me, financial abuse etc. IIRC she had to give a particular number of incidents. It might've been five.

I wrote a list of reasons that spanned two sides of A4 then I calmed down and picked 5-6 of the tamest ones as these seemed least likely to cause issues getting it all agreed without a solicitor (and because the reasons don't really matter).
They were along the lines of
Lack of affection
No participation in family events/days out/holidays etc
Refusal to invest in family home/engage in shared activities
That sort of thing. Reality was different but it wasn't worth the aggravation.

I thought ‘no blame divorce’ was now a thing? Or did I imagine that?

You might find this useful:

www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce

No blame divorce will be later next year when the divorce bill goes through in England and Wales.

My solicitor was very clear that it didn’t have to be at the extreme of unreasonable. I used examples of where we had fallen out over stupid things, looking back it was exH being controlling (about where I parked the car on the car park when out with my friends, or texting me on my way somewhere to say he thought I’d driven off the drive too quickly without letting the engine warm up). Different interests, not spending weekends together, going on separate holidays with our friends instead of together. Mine was mostly things about the relationship that were unsustainable rather than things that he had specifically done wrong.

Doesnt need to be extreme - it needs to be phrased correctly though. I think one of mine was "H has made it clear that he does not want to spend time with W. This has led to her feeling unloved and insecure and spending lots of time in tears". If you have a half decent solicitor, they will be able to make something as mundane as leaving the toilet seat up completely unreasonable !!!

My ex included in my unreasonable behaviours my hoovering the living room on a Saturday morning while he was trying to have a lie in, and the fact that I didn't like his family.

I was mildly tempted to fight it on the grounds that dislking his family was entirely reasonable, but I wanted shot of the bastard.

I said he’d spent all our money on toy Star Trek models (true- one cost £500!) and that he kept drinking bottles of vodka every evening.

www.theguardian.com/law/2019/apr/09/no-fault-divorce-law-coming-as-soon-as-parliamentary-time-allows

My solicitor told me he'd once successfully dealt with a divorce where two of the reasons were h left the toilet seat up and h wouldn't share the tv remote so she could watch her periodical programmes soaps

Oh, and my exh claimed that my voluntary work (pta) was taking over family time.

Hmmm... I think if we went down this route it could get very ugly :-( think we both want the most smooth divorce possible. Hell, could just wait till the new law is in place x

OP, you say your husband no longer loves you. How does that manifest itself? Are you no longer intimate as a result?

That can be spread into a number of reasons to find it unreasonable to remain married to him:

1. Husband states he no longer loves me
2. Lack of sex/intimacy with husband
3. Lack of affection from husband
4. Lack of communication by husband etc etc

There is probably a way you can spread this to 5 reasons why you find it unreasonable to continue to be married to your husband that are not too detrimental to your husband's view of himself.

If you both want to divorce then no judge is going to force you to stay married.

Why would it get ugly OP if you went down this route? It doesn't have to if you both want the divorce. It is unreasonable to expect to be married to someone who doesn't love you anymore isn't it?

I spoke to my ex, explained that I had to list these instances and that he shouldn’t be too offended.

I’ve heard someone cite being expected to iron shirts as an example of unreasonable behaviour so it doesn’t have to be criminal or abusive.