WIBU to write a letter?

[Thurmanmurman]

I have a family member with terminal cancer, who has been given maximum 6 months to live. I see him probably once/twice a year now, but as a child/teenager I used to see him often, before I grew up and moved to a different area. I am still very close to his daughter and when I do go back to my hometown and see him we always have a joke and a good chat, so even though I wouldn’t say we are close now, I am extremely fond of him and very upset about his diagnoses. I have very fond memories of this man and want to say goodbye, but he refuses to see anybody except immediate family, which obviously I understand and respect. WIBU to write him a letter, telling him how I feel and that I’ll miss him and share some of my memories, or is this a complete no-no? I would be really interested to hear from others as I have never been in this situation before and really don’t know if this is a nice thing to do or wildly inappropriate. Thank you.

I think that would be a nice thing to do. He will know that you are thinking of him and caring and have fond memories.

Thank you Foxtrot. I’m sorry about your Dad. Yes I think you’re right, perhaps this would be for my benefit and I would be mortified to cause any further upset 💐

Sorry, but I have to echo the PPs.

My aunt got a (3rd) cancer diagnosis, and we were all told "she doesn't want to talk about it... NO ONE is to mention it" and I went against that and wrote her a letter, because my DH (of 1 year) had just had a diagnosis and I felt I knew how she felt and I just sent her a brief letter.
She was livid.

Fast-forward 30 years and my DDad gets a cancer diagnosis, and had all this ridiculous 'things', so we all danced his stupid dance. (I toed the line this time). But when he died (STILL pretending he was about to get better ANY SECOND NOW!!!!) I was gobsmacked at the correspondence my mum got. My dad was born Jewish (which he talked about a LOT) and a committed atheist (which he also talked about a LOT) and yet we got card after card, letter after letter all with picture of religious iconography/verses printed/words written about waking up with God and finding peace with Jesus and Mary holding him in her arms.
And I thought the same thing about every single one of those cards/letters, which was: You are disrespecting my dad. You are disrespecting his widow (40 years of marriage). Your letter/card has NOTHING to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with you. And not one word that you've written has helped or offered any comfort or support at all to those of us left behind. And he would have HATED it. And it was easy to forgive those cards/letters from "Mary in the office" or "Joe from the local shop". Because they didn't really KNOW him. So it was LOVELY of them to reach out and want to communicate. I forgave those ones immediately. maybe had a bit of giggle about how they got it wrong, but appreciated that they did it.
But people who'd known my dad/me/my DSis/my DM for years? I still feel angry about those.
And I'm sure each and every one was sincerely and kindly meant.

BUT having written all that, OP. I think if this person is important to you, then I can understand your wish to communicate this to him and his loved ones.
Just don't make it about you!

And I'm sorry for how this affects you . But the person with the diagnosis IS allowed to set the agenda. And you need to respect this.

Thank you for your kind replies and sharing your experiences, I appreciate it. Mitzi you are right, it’s up to the person to decide, not someone else who isn’t going through it themselves. I’ve decided not to write a letter as I don’t think it would make him feel any better.

Save the favourite memories for a letter of condolences to the family later on?

Why not write it & give it to one of his visitors to give him? It will be up to him if he opens it or not. Personally, if I were to find myself in the situation of being terminally ill and a relative wrote to me saying how much she appreciated having me in their earlier life and the memories she had of times spent together, I would be very moved.

I have experience that varies from those above. My dad died last year after being told he had 3 months to live.

In those last couple of months, one of the things that tickled him most was receiving letters from old friends of his from university. These friends wrote to him to reminisce about the 'old days', the experiences they'd shared and their lasting memories of my dad. They didn't talk about him dying but touched on some of their happiest memories that involved my dad.

My dad was house-bound and the friends lived some distance away so there was no expectation of seeing him at that point, and there was no secrecy about his diagnosis.

A difficult situation. It is so sad that life gets too busy for most of us to take time to reminisce with each other more often whilst we have our health. Writing letters isn’t a thing any more, yet I remember loving getting a letter in the post.

Tellmeagain. I’m sorry for your loss. I do have a few hilarious stories involving my uncle but it’s just too hard to judge if it’s a good idea so I think I’ll leave it and share with other family at a later date as other posters have suggested 💐

I think a letter would be lovely. Don't focus on the illness or mention their prognosis, just talk about how you haven't seen them for a while and share some positive memories. You could give the letter to his daughter and let her review it and decide if she (and her Mum) want to pass it on.