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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hand me downs for baby

28 replies

Ttcfirsttime · 22/04/2019 18:23

I’m currently 2 months from my due date with our first DD. We have been offered a few things by a family member who has a 1 year old girl. We accepted the offers and then today have found out that all the items have been given to my sister for her baby who is 4 months old now. A lot of these are things baby’s use for the first year or so. And frankly I’m a bit annoyed, as we was offered and accepted and then suddenly my sister has them. And has said “you can have them after”. Well by the time her baby’s finished with them, my baby will already have them or we won’t have bothered to get them. AIBU to be annoyed that we get offered things and accept and then find out that my sister has the items instead for her child. I just feel like my child is being made second best to hers. Like when people got her gifts when she had the baby comments were made about we won’t need gifts when we have ours as we can have them second hand. I know I’m probably being hormonal and probably am the unreasonable one here. But please tell me this would annoy others too?

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 22/04/2019 18:27

Given there's roughly 6 months between yours and your sister's baby it's unlikely they'll be using the same clothes at the same time.
The gift thing is weird because there's no reason why your friends and family can't choose to buy a gift. Are they likely to listen to her rather than do their own thing?

Original poster
Ttcfirsttime · 22/04/2019 18:29

It’s not clothes that are being handed down that’s caused any issues, as we’ve already got tons of clothes for our baby anyway from work colleagues who have had babies etc and from just buying them. It’s more the things playmats, walkers, bouncers, swings etc etc.

OP posts:
Abbazed · 22/04/2019 18:38

Who offered?

Gatehouse77 · 22/04/2019 18:39

Ah, ok. Then, yes, I would be annoyed/frustrated but I would do my best to not react and wait and see how things actually play out once your baby arrives. So much can change and not always where you expect it.

Abbazed · 22/04/2019 18:39

They don't use playmats, walkers and bouncers for long. You're only 2 months along.

Fiveredbricks · 22/04/2019 18:42

Playmats - 4/5 months of use, maximum. A Jumperoo is £15-20 second hand on ebay and parent groups all the time. Don't ever use a walker... Really. Just dont. They're banned in loads of countries and are SHIT for babies hip health.

Original poster
Ttcfirsttime · 22/04/2019 18:45

I’m not 2 months along, I’m 2 months from my due date (I’m 33 weeks along). And I know things could change etc but sister also has a 5 year old who is very boisterous and likes to climb into the baby’s swing and Moses basket etc. The swing is already now broken after them having it less than a month, so I’m not sure any of it will be safe / suitable for our baby anyway. I have no issue with buying everything for our baby brand new ourselves. I’d just rather people don’t offer us things and then hand it to my sister first and assume we will then get it third hand if that makes sense? Items have been offered by a distant cousin who neither sister or I see more than once a year, so very nice of her to offer. But it’s my dads wife who has been getting the items and deciding to give them to sister first.

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 22/04/2019 18:53

You are making this an issue. Your sister could use these things now, then you can have them.

Honestly, you are due to give birth in a few weeks, try to enjoy this time and relax. No hand me downs are worth getting worked up over.

Cranky17 · 22/04/2019 18:57

I get it op, it’s not about the stuff, it’s about feeling valued and second best.

Noonooyou · 22/04/2019 19:00

There'll be 6 months between the babies. You'll be fine to have them after your niece is finished with them.

Newmumma83 · 22/04/2019 19:02

Being told that people
Don’t need to buy your baby gifts and you can have all 2nd hand is a bit off

She may think she is being helpful
And anything with life left in it I am sure will be greatfully recieved but I would
Like to think both babies get the same treatment gift wise.

See how it pans out ... she may be terribly sleep deprived and not thinking before she speaks x x

HBStowe · 22/04/2019 19:04

I think it’s likely a lot of things will be usable by you and your sister so try not to worry about it! As you say you don’t mind buying items if you need them so wait and see what you get from friends etc and what you feel you need to buy yourself.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 22/04/2019 19:26

My DS is 25th centile and just under five months, he's already getting a bit big for his bouncy chair, he does still love his play mat but now just grabs the cross over bars and shakes the whole thing (soft bars) so will be too big for it soon, he can launch himself out of his angelcare bath support too and as I've said he is dinky and a lot of 0-3 month clothing is too big, there's every chance by the time your baby arrives, your sister's will have outgrown the things passed on. I know it's controversial on MN but if you want new get it, we did for DS and I loved being able to choose everything we wanted but I do love a bit of research.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 22/04/2019 19:29

Oh and no one who was planning to buy a gift will decide not to because of a comment made by your sister, in fact the comment was probably me by her to illustrate how pleased she was with all the gifts and to highlight people's generosity rather than to tell them to not buy you a present.

Original poster
Ttcfirsttime · 22/04/2019 19:47

The comment about the gifts wasn’t made by my sister. It’s been made by family members when giving her gifts that they won’t need to buy for our baby.
PP is correct, it’s not about the items, more about wanting our baby to be treated as well as the precious first granddaughter etc.

OP posts:
laurG · 22/04/2019 20:16

Sorry but yabu. What does it matter if you get it a few months time? The reason your sister has them now is because she has a baby now! It’s not a case of second choice just second birth order. Yours isn’t even born yet. The babies will be at different stages so you will get the stuff when you need it. It’s your sister that should be annoyed that she wasn’t offered the stuff first.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 22/04/2019 20:20

more about wanting our baby to be treated as well as the precious first granddaughter etc.

YABU and more than a little precious

AnnieMay100 · 22/04/2019 20:31

Is there somewhere mutual these toys can stay such as grandparents so both babies can enjoy them together? I wouldn’t take it personally, the person donating thought your sisters baby would enjoy them now as you have a while until your baby will need them. Donated gifts are a luxury anyway saving you a lot of money, if they weren’t available you’d have to pay for them elsewhere.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/04/2019 20:52

Christ.chill out.

Original poster
Ttcfirsttime · 22/04/2019 21:27

Ok willing to accept that IABU then. Obviously just hormonal and feeling a bit like my baby won’t get anything new like sisters baby has as gifts etc. But obviously nobody else would be bothered by this at all so I’ll put it down to hormones and just buy all new and stop worrying. As my nephew has now already broken 2 of the items anyway, not on purpose obviously, just a bit boisterous and sister doesn’t like to tell him off.

Thank you all for the opinions on this.

OP posts:
Abbazed · 22/04/2019 21:49

I bought my Fisher price roaring rainforest jumper for 90. I sold it for 15. Plenty of nct/baby sales. are u feeling ok? Does sister have history of doing this kinda thing?

Abbazed · 22/04/2019 21:52

Aldi and asda are having baby events so playmats18. The jumperoo I sold was immaculate. You so dont need to buy new. Ps if she doesn't tell him off she's making a rod for her own back. He'll be hell in a few years. Sorry I misread your 33 weeks. Have you sorted your hospital bag?

Abbazed · 22/04/2019 21:54

Sending a virtual hug xxx it's rotten nephew broke the stuff btw

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 22/04/2019 22:01

I'd be annoyed as well, my cousin has just had a baby and I was told also that we can just have all her stuff when her baby outgrows it so don't need to buy me new stuff, other than the fact I'm having a girl and she's had boy and there's only going to be 7 weeks between the babies we can't really share anything ! I'm not banking on getting anything so won't be disappointed then.
It's just the principal that actually it was given to you but then your dad's wife decided to give it to your sister instead it would have been better to split it up and maybe do half each. Have you told the person who was giving it to you that you've not actually got it ?

Original poster
Ttcfirsttime · 22/04/2019 22:11

No, haven’t mentioned it to the person who gifted it. As her lovely gifts are still being used so I figured no point causing any issues with that and I don’t want to sound like I felt more entitled to anything than my sister.

It’s more the fact people have made comments about not buying us gifts when we have our baby as my sister can just pass down the gifts they got her etc that bothers me too.

To me it just feels like my baby is second best and more of an after thought, as my family have all had boys so far until now, so everyone is totally spoiling sisters baby as the first girl. I understand but I know my baby won’t get the same and none of my nephews from either sister got the same treatment either.

But I can accept that I’m hormonal and emotional at the minute anyway. Worrying about being a FTM and whether I’ll be a good enough mum to my baby or not. Worrying that DH doesn’t find me attractive anymore as he doesn’t ever want sex anymore but he says it freaks him out now that he can feel the baby. Basically I’m a hormonal mess. Sorry for the totally unrelated rant!

OP posts: