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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming with SIL

48 replies

Shelia007 · 22/04/2019 18:04

So my SIL relies heavily on dh and I to assist with child care of her toddler. We do not mind, we both adore our niece. But a rumour had been floating around the family the last few weeks she is pregnant which she has denied...however, my sil has been in and out of detox the last few years as she is an addict, she claims she is clean currently however we are seeing a decline in her and the way she behaves which is the giveaway. Anyway today it has been confirmed she is pregnant and has know all along...that is not what I'm mad about (though I'm not pleased about her lying to my face) I'm mad I can almost say with 95% certainty she is using again.. the remaining 5% would he catching her doing it again.. if she is using while pregnant I dont know what to do for the best. She was caught using once while pregnant with our niece. luckily the hospital checked the baby when she was born and she was absolutely fine but I'm really stuck at what to do now. Do I report her to social services ? Would they take her daughter away from her, would they let dh and I look after her if they did. They baby is always taken to all her appointments and is reaching all her targets for her age and reaching some earlier than expected. she is a delightful sil house is always clean and tidy but if she is using again and we've established she is pregnant where so I go from here what should i do.

OP posts:

HJWT · 22/04/2019 18:56

@PurpleDaisies I don't need to be helpful to an addict who already had 2 removed at birth hun 😌

HJWT · 22/04/2019 18:56

@PurpleDaisies but thankfully she had her tubes tied after the 3rd 👍🏻

CripsSandwiches · 22/04/2019 19:04

If she’s old enough to have a drug habit and another baby on the way, I’d wash my hands of her. She obviously doesn’t need your help as much as she likes you to think she does.

Whether or not SiL needs them I would never cut contact for the sake of DD.

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2019 19:05

In this instance you need to protect the kids. Could you forgive yourself if something happened to either your niece or the unborn baby and uou handing? I suspect not as you sound like a good person.

So report it anonymously. She needs help, so think of it that way. Don't be angry with her. It doesn't help. But do report her. Those are very serious drugs indeed and if she's using, she's not going to stop on her own.

ShesABelter · 22/04/2019 19:08

Absolutely report her.

LuckyLou7 · 22/04/2019 19:15

Social services will work with her and support her - if that is what she wants. Addiction is an illness, not a lifestyle choice. She needs help. Perhaps you and your DH can temporarily care for your niece while SIL gets into recovery.

Missingstreetlife · 22/04/2019 19:19

Is the child at risk?

LakieLady · 22/04/2019 19:27

Absolutely report. She needs professional help and children's services will help her access that.

Romax · 22/04/2019 19:37

You’re obviously close
Have you spoken to her? Or your husband spoken or another family member?

Soontobe60 · 22/04/2019 19:38

Social services need to be told. Both your niece and the unborn baby are at risk.
At some point her child may be taken into care, and SS will look to family in the first instance to see if anyone is willing and suitable.

Hazlenutpie · 22/04/2019 19:45

Yes speak to a social worker. They will assess her parenting and if her daughter is being cared for, there is no way she would be removed from her mother’s care. However, the child and the unborn would probably be subject to a safeguarding plan. Everyone involved with her care would be part of the plan, including health visitor, midwives, drug workers, family, nursery, etc.

She would need to work with the social worker and everyone else to show that the children are being cared for adequately. Being a drug addict on its own does not mean this is impossible.

Theboldandthebeautiful1 · 22/04/2019 19:48

Your duty is to the unborn child. I personally know a child with cerebral palsy amongst other complications, who suffers daily fits and has brain damage born to a mother who took crack cocaine during pregnancy.

What happens next to the child should be irrelevant to your decision. There is no choice here. You must report it. Fast.

HJWT · 22/04/2019 20:50

@Theboldandthebeautiful1 she cant change what happens to the unborn baby regardless of if she reports or not so please don't put that on the OP!

Passthecherrycoke · 22/04/2019 20:56

She’s been in rehab, a long time user and already has a child that the authorities were aware of her using whilst pregnant with. She’s already on the radar. Report her if it makes you feel satisfied that it’s absolutely been picked up, that’s probably the best option. But I think what you really need to do is start researching how you can have the children with you if they are removed so you’re ready to go with that and offering you SIL any support she accepts.

Bluebelliphant · 22/04/2019 21:00

Suggest she makes contact with Trevi House, which is a mother and baby rehab in Devon. They take pregnant women and mothers with their children. I saw a panorama documentary about their work and was really impressed.

www.trevihouse.org.

The panorama film is still on YouTube. It was called Addicted: Last Chance mums.

Wishing you and your family the best of luck

justthecat · 22/04/2019 21:11

Try and take your emotions out of it, what would you do if it wasn’t a family member?
Most likely you’d report to the social ( I would)
Report and leave them to check it out

Original poster

Shelia007 · 22/04/2019 21:17

Thank you everyone. She is know to the social services because of her drug use. However they social services are completely satisfied with how my DN is cared for I've been with SIL for meetings about her own care as her advocate. I do think I will report her though. I'd be more than willing to care for her child if it came to that, and dsil often asks me if anything happened to her would I have my DN with me. It's a ni brainer of course I would. Luckily I run my own business so can make amendments to my hours but I don think it will come to that. She clearly needs to be referred back to the local substance misuse service. I will call sil tomorrow and have a talk but she always denies it. We dont trust her, we always think bad if her dont believe her etc but we do generally have a great relationship. I will report but anonymous I think and I will also keep close eye on her, I'll invite her to stay for a few days where I can as bad as it sounds follow her every move and see if I can persuade her to seek help herself and reach out to her support worker. Thanks everyone I really appreciate it

OP posts:

nespressowoo · 22/04/2019 21:24

Report her. Social services can place your niece with you on an interim care order.

Binglebong · 22/04/2019 21:32

Report. Apart from anything else the child may be born addicted and will need immediate action. Best to have that set up - especially as she is unlikely to volunteer the information so there would be a delay.

AlletrixLeStrange · 22/04/2019 21:33

Social services will work with her to gain access to support and treatment if she is cooperative. It's not a given that they'll take the children/baby away, that only happens in extreme cases when a judge decides that's in the best interest of the children which at least in my area is surprisingly and often sadly uncommon.

Raspberrytruffle · 23/04/2019 03:30

OP I would report her for the babys sake, if shes gets help and support she may have a better chance at keeping the child and less likely to use if shes being monitored, mind you iam naive if you are addicted nothing will stop you. You must be in a hard place op but I'd happily take the fall out for the baby

Rosesaredead · 23/04/2019 11:57

Even if they would take your niece, it is what is best for her if her mother is a drug addict. You can't care for a child while on heroin or crack cocaine. You can't trust the sort of people that heroin and crack cocaine addicts might associate with around a small child. She could be in all sorts of danger. A friend of mine took her baby niece in when social services removed her from her parents care for a similar reason. I believe they will always try for family first.

Original poster

Shelia007 · 23/04/2019 18:46

Thanks for all advice I had a long talk with sil this morning and she is denying drug use. But I'm almost certain she lying... I also made an anonymous call to social services. I've done all I can do for now I suppose

OP posts:

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