By going back to work, my children “won’t know who I am” - so says my mum!

[Holywaterrr]

Obviously it’s been a late Easter Sunday night with a few drinks. But still..

My DH and I have tried to explain to my mum how it is that she was able to buy her own small house on one salary in the 70s, but how these days it’s mostly takes two salaries to buy a house.

She also knows how I’ve been striving for about eight years now to get qualified at the top of my field (doctor).

So the conversation goes, that I will take 9 months’ leave (for this imaginary baby!) and DH will take 3 months. Then we will both go back to work.

Mum was disgusted!! She took five years off with me and will not hear of anyone doing any less! “How could you do that to a child,” she said, when I said I was going to go back to work, “they won’t know who you are!”

She also maintained I would be going back part time. To be honest, (once we’ve had this imaginary child), if anyone is going to go part time it will be DH as I will be out-earning him almost 2:1. This apparently is just shocking.

She also said she wanted to move 70 miles to be in a small flat near us but that she would NOT be doing any childcare. Fine by us as we have planned our (future) budget to include £1k/mo childcare; I just though it curious that you would love so close yet still be so far.

Ah well!

When someone is so intent on arguing what was right for them, being the right thing for others I often wonder if they are trying to convince themselves they did the ‘right’ thing. Wonder if your mother is secretly envious of your ability to manage a career you love and have a family.

It’s not rocket science to understand that different things work fit different people and in fact not only are you different people you’re a generation apart. Things change.

Of course your kid, should you have one, will know you! I was totally fine putting mine in childcare at 11 months. In fact he seems so happy there, eats better, does lots of interesting things, I’m thinking of upping my hours.

I find that when I’m at home with him, I’m running around doing housework, cooking, lifemin, tidying up etc - so not sure how much of my attention he gets anyhow!

Just do what’s right for you and your DH.

Give her a cheery
"You are so right. Best not bother then"

And carry on with whatever you planned.

Before I had kids I thought I would be like you, but I couldn't leave them, even once in school they need their parents. Whilst plenty do work full time, and there is nothing wrong with dad's being the one that stays home, your mum knows that how you feel before you have kids may change! I hear the kids crying being dropped at nursery at work, I also see little kids yawning at 6.10pm and their mum still hasn't arrived to collect - the real world isn't as neat and tidy as the imaginary one

I think you should discourage your mother from moving closer tbh. She’s already interfering and you don’t even have a child yet.

She’s also said she doesn’t plan on ever helping so what does she want? Does she want you to be off work so you can present the children to her daily and she can coo over them for a bit before you take them back home? Does she want to be closer in her old age so that whilst you’re a SAHM you won’t only have to look after the kids, you’ll be expected to run her around and do errands for her everyday you know seeing as you’re not at work.....

My dm was a trained professional, but never returned to work after having dc. She did WFH during our teen years.

While I was pregnant with dc1, and explained that I planned to be a SAHM, my ddad tried to persuade me not to do this. He maintained that returning to work would be better for my mental health, and better for my future relationships with my dc, as they would see me as a 'whole' person, with interests, responsibilities and commitments outside the family.

He was 100% right.

I don't know why you would think it odd that she has better things to do with her day than look after your imaginary child when so have you.

Just ignore her. I was having a chat with DHs aunt at a wedding last year and she asked about my work so I told her about my recent promotion. Mil immediately crashed the conversation with well we didn’t have the childcare when I was younger but I would have had a great career if I had but I would have felt far too guilty to leave mine. Given that she obviously dislikes small children (based on her behaviour when our DC were small) I’m guessing she just feels like she’s missed out. I agree with PP that maybe your mum feels the same.

Nancydrawn great post, really nice to read.
I work full time and my DD runs to me each evening shouting mummy and is very attached to me. I’d like to work part time but we need two incomes for our mortgage and I didn’t spend years studying and working my way up in my career to give it up now.
Also my mum worked full time and it made me far more independent and resilient than my DH whose mum stayed at home.

Without knowing the ins and outs of your relationship with your mother, I would suggest that she should not move any closer to you once you have a child. If she is already so forceful with her opinions during a hypothetical discussion she could be a lot more interfering once you really do have a baby.

I went back full-time and ds was never in any doubt who I was. No commute so not a long day for him.

It's hilarious really that people can be so opinioned. I was a SAHM for about 5 years until recentlybut had done the work/ study juggle with young children previously.

My mother HATED that I was at home and doing all the school stuff and kept telling me I was lazy, the kids needed me to work. It's was completely her projecting her experiences on me when she was a single mother working full-time. As a child I felt completely abandoned but that was because of how she behaved as a mother.

I'm now working full time. It's easier than being a SAHM but this job is easy as way below my skill set. I still haven't managed to get the flexibility I need for the family.

Your mum is being ridiculous. My own mum didn’t go back to work until I was 15 as her and my dad thought it was important for her to be there when I got home from school and I get digs from them about putting DD in childcare 4 days a week (she went in at 12 months old) but DD loves it there, she’s got a group of friends she talks about non-stop, they do fun activities and have play equipment we don’t have room for at home and she definitely knows who I am.

I went back to work full time when DC were 3 months. They are now adults living away from home. They call or message us both almost ever day. They definitely know who we are.
There was a point where I cut down my hours so I could do some school drop offs and pick ups - DH also cut down so we could manage between us.
DH was a very hands on dad who also pulled his weight with the housework and, vitally with the mental work, the organisation.

Does she think your DC won’t know their dad either or is it ok for him to go back to work full time?

‘I think 'revenge' (mostly at quite a mild/subtle level) by mothers on daughters who are reluctant to repeat their perceived sacrifices is quite a common phenomenon.’

The above is so true.

I also think that because previous generations of women didn’t have as many options available to them, there may be some level of resentment. Not all the sacrifices were made willingly. My own mum is a very bright, able woman but never had the options available when me and my siblings were small (she’s now late eighties and I’m in my fifties, for context.)

I know when I returned to work, just 3 days a week, but my dd was only 3 months old because that was what Maternity leave was back then, my mum didn’t actually pass comment but I did detect a negative vibe... I’m sure she felt it wasn’t ‘right’ to be leaving a baby with a childminder. But then she didn’t really have a choice as very little proper regulated childcare existed back in the 1960s, so she was a long term SAHM and then got a little bit of part time work later but never achieved what she was truly capable of. Ability wise, she could have had as successful a career as my dad did, but of course for her generation it wasn’t the norm.

There was a whole thread yesterday from a mother who was despairing at her adult daughter planning to give up work and become a SAHM. We can’t win! FWIW I went back to work FT when my DD was 1 (she’s now 2.5). She’s really thrived at nursery and somehow still manages to recognise me.

Always helpful when people who had it easier criticise your choices. To me it feels like she wants the benefits of having family near her so they can help her but she won't help them. I coped fine with childcare while my Mum worked, so did my partner and all of my friends work with their children being unaffected. One friends little boy loves his nursery so much he's sad when he's off ill and can't go. Great if you DH goes part time, if my partner liked his job less than l liked mine then l would suggest that. It would be yourself and your husbands choices. Quite possibly there is some projection there from your mother -l know my Mum does that to me a lot

When someone is so intent on arguing what was right for them, being the right thing for others I often wonder if they are trying to convince themselves they did the ‘right’ thing. Wonder if your mother is secretly envious of your ability to manage a career you love and have a family.

YY!

She is being a total dick. Do NOT listen to her.

Yours sincerely, CupOhTea, a happy SAHM.

PS: I love being a sahm, but there is no way I would be doing it if I had spent years training as a doctor and wanted to get promoted some time in the near future. No fucking way. My jobs have all been fairly low paid and not terribly interesting which is why it doesn’t make sense for me to go back to work. After childcare for our two dcs we would be losing money overall as a family.

Tell your mother to get a grip. Does she realise that in many other countries ML is only a few weeks and millions have no option than to put their kids in childcare. They all know who their parents are.
Sounds like she knows she didn't really make much of a go of her own life and is trying to bring you down.
How ignorant is she to even think this. And the cheek of her to clearly state shes not going to help out yet give her two cents.

well my mum was a SAHM. 2 out of 3 of us haven`t spoke to her for years!!

Do whatever feels right for you. Theres no right or wrong way!

I returned to work when DC was 7 months old on 4 days a week (in hindsight I should have returned FT as only the salary was 80%). My child certainly knows who I and DH are!

DH and I found the early years in nursery far easier than school to be honest. Yes, the first 6 months of nursery is tough as they come home with so many bugs. But you know you have committed childcare in place for 51 weeks of the year.

For us personally, juggling school and careers has proved challenging. We wanted to be there for sports days, assembly, etc but with both of us traveling for work that was challenging. Additionally I have a life limiting illness and require regular hospital treatment which is a further complication and another constraint on time.

Due to this and DC needing a bit more parental support as he became older, I have gone freelance. However this would not have been possible if I were not already established in my field so I’m glad I went back after maternity leave.

As an aside, both my parents worked full time, mainly due to financial necessity. I am exceptionally proud of my parents especially my mum. I was a very unwell child and my life expectancy was not good (thanks to fantastic Drs and medical advancement my 60s is now a very real possibility). My parents were pro education and never let on that adulthood might not be a reality for me. It is only due to their encouragement and the example my parents set of true partnership that I have succeeded in attaining qualifications and succeeding in my career. My mum faced constant criticism of her choices, especially with an unwell child, this was in the 1970’s and 80’s, it’s so sad that society still hasn’t moved on and women continue to be criticised today.

When you have kids every bugger has an opinion and they all feel quite free to share it, whether you asked or not! Someone somewhere will always think you are doing it wrong, so my advice is to do what you think is best.
The truth is that kids mostly grow up fine, whether they have a sahp or are in childcare.

The one other thing I'll add is be wary of your mum moving close by if she's going to criticise every choice you make and refuse to help you. You'll be getting worst of both worlds there!

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds

Spot on. A mother’s (parent’s) place seems to be in the wrong!

Sahps are frequently slagged off on here. It’s horrible to see it happening to WoH mums too. Honestly, what are we expected to do?

I think the answer to that is, you can’t please everyone and someone will always have a negative opinion, no matter what you do. So just do what works best for your family and ignore. BUT, what stinks about this situation, is that the ‘someone’ with a negative opinion is the op’s own mum, who should be proud of her achievements and supporting her .

Also agree I’d hate having her near by “refusing” to help with childcare and giving her horrible opinions. I bet she’ll be expecting you to quit work to care for her in her old age too!

You need to write down your outgoings including childcare in paper so she can actually see it doesn't work and that working is a necessity, not a choice.

A lot of people our parents age don't get how difficult it is these days for families, thankfully my family understand and offer to help with childcare (they are broke themselves and struggled, which is why they understand). To be honest, if they didn't volunteer, it would be very hard for them to see the baby, as we are usually out and about weekends and have other commitments. Your mum will soon realise this.

Her comments are really insensitive and stupid. Most mother's on here who work will vouch that their children know exactly who they are!