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AIBU?

Why are they always together?

86 replies

Ihatehashtags · 22/04/2019 00:09

I’m guessing there will be two camps here on MN but long story short it really irritates me that every single time my MIL comes for a visit she brings her sister.

It’s not 50% of the time, it’s literally every single visit.(we live 2hrs from her) We aren’t close to her or her kids, and never have been and I find it really changes the dynamic of the visit.

MIL also never asks if it’s okay but just turns up with her. Her sister is okay but it’s just another bed to make up, another lunch to make etc. it also means that because of the extra body we (our family and MIL) can’t ever go in one car together so the MIL and the sister take a separate car if we go out and do anything. This is the type of thing I’m getting at when I say it changes the dynamic.

My MIL and I aren’t overly close and I think her sister coming all the time has a part to play in that.

It’s my daughters party tomorrow and Ive got SIL and her three kids staying and MIL and now the sister too! There actually isn’t a free bed. They also aren’t the types to offer to help with anything either.

Thoughts AIBU? I have a bit PMTish so it could be that as well

OP posts:

Report

JessieMcJessie · 22/04/2019 09:27

Does MIL-DSIS have family and GDC of her own?

woollyheart · 22/04/2019 09:52

Tell them that they are family and it isn't a hotel, so they are expected to muck in. So, in future, they make their own cups of tea, contribute food/drink to the events and are expected to help with children.

That might make her sister think twice. It sounds great for them at the moment! Like visiting the wealthy relative at their country estate.

EL8888 · 22/04/2019 10:00

I think that's odd and poor manners by them. Especially if they expect to stay over. The fact she won't ever help fuels my theory about bad manners -is that hard for them to do some washing up or refill some drinks. Your MIL and AIL sounds self absorbed and idle

femfemlicious · 22/04/2019 10:18

I think its time for you to just speak up. Next time ask them to pop to the supermarket and buy some easy to prepare food. Ask them to babysit and then go out with your hubby. Don't make the beds simply put the fresh bedding on the vefs and they can change it themselves .

They are family and it's not a hotel.

MrsElizabethShelby · 22/04/2019 10:21

@gwehwyfar

"How sure are you that she is actually your MIL sister?

Interesting"

What? You think she's a secret lover? You think the DH doesn't recognise his aunt? This is a bit mad.

Not really. She wouldn't be the first or the last to have a beard.

Dh 'aunt' could have been around for longer than him.

MrsElizabethShelby · 22/04/2019 10:21

Oh bold fail.

Singlenotsingle · 22/04/2019 10:26

Tell her you've got a house full this time. They'll need to get a hotel or Airbnb.

Butteredghost · 22/04/2019 10:30

It's a bit weird. Not sure what to advise as personally I would hate this! But your complaints seem to be mainly related to bed numbers and hosting wise, and for these you would be in the same situation if MIL brought her husband, which no one would say that was weird. So is the sister that much more work?

I think you have to put this back on your DH. This is his family. Leave all the bed sorting, food prep, hosting and MIL- complaints-listening to for him. Or only do as much as he would do for your family in that situation. If he then thinks it's to much work, he can bring it up with MIL.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 22/04/2019 10:37

YANBU.

I think it sounds awful.
I wouldn’t be actively inviting her round or encouraging contact.
I’d also have said SIL is coming there aren’t enough beds for you and your sister re: the latest visit. I also would not be giving up my bed for them.

I’d also stop making cups of tea etc and just show her where it is and say “help yourself”
All dinners would be cheap/easy stuff like pasta pesto and jacket potato and beans too.

W0rriedMum · 22/04/2019 10:39

I think the real issue is that it's going on for so long, it's the norm.
I'd say your MIL is ringing her sister to say "Oooo we've been invited back for a party/picnic/weekend", and perhaps doesn't even realise her sister isn't invited.
You need to get it back to an invitation basis, and make it clear the invitation is just for MIL. Then you can specifically add in the aunt but only when you phone/text/mail her. Don't go back to having MIL as the middleman.

Thatsashame · 22/04/2019 10:40

My nan brings her friend when she visits. Doesnt bother me. They know what space we have and cant magic up more. But nan doesn't like travelling alone in her 70s and my grandad passed away

Ihatehashtags · 22/04/2019 11:15

Thanks for the replies everyone! They turned up today and hovered around the kitchen. Taking your advice I said “right well I’m going to jump in the shower then I’m heading out to do groceries ” help yourselves to whatever you like. They looked a bit crestfallen 😂😂

OP posts:

Ihatehashtags · 22/04/2019 11:28

Yep the Aunty has family of her own and also has grandchildren too. It’s so co-dependent. And today Mil started asking me about a health issue I’m front of her sister and they both looked at me expecting me to answer. I just looked at MIL and said I’ll talk about it later then walked away.

OP posts:

MRex · 22/04/2019 11:38

My DM will do this; I invite just her and she casually drops into conversation that there are 5 coming, having invited a sister, an aunt, a niece, my dad etc. She tries to bring food and they'll help lay things at the table, but they don't clear up. I'm now grateful that they don't all stay over!
One time I said very clearly it must be just DM coming, so she did come on her own, but she clearly wasn't comfortable and kept talking about everyone else, so I haven't tried that again.
Sorry, that's not helpful, but I can empathise that is annoying getting the extra visitors.

femfemlicious · 22/04/2019 11:43

Ihatehashtags well done.

You may find they may want to come round less now that it's not like a holiday in a hotel.

Also you won't even mind them coming now that you are no longer their skivvy.

Keep up the same energy!

Mousetolioness · 22/04/2019 17:18

Ahhh... Could the issue be that you have a large country property?

And MIL and her sister regard it as a mini holiday, in pretty much the same way anyone who moves to the country finds themselves 'hosting' assorted friends and family who otherwise wouldn't make the effort to visit and who are happy to be waited on hand and foot (if they're selfish sods).

That's one possible take on it...

Flyingaddict · 22/04/2019 19:16

So have you ever actually asked mil in private just to come on her own?

dragonara53 · 23/04/2019 17:59

Why do people put up with shite from in laws? I've been married three times and there is no way I'd put up with half of what some of you put up with. I find all the excuses you write ranging from funny to ridiculous. If you soon like what they say or do then stop seeing them. There isn't a law that says you must have cf in laws at your house all the time. I'm a mil and I don't want to be at anybody's house except my own. But then I'm a miserable grumpy old bitch. 😂😂

Mitzimaybe · 23/04/2019 18:31

Well done OP, keep it up. Bright and breezy and matter of fact. Don't wait for them to offer to help, give them instructions. "Right, we still have lots of things to do for this party. MIL - the balloons are over there, can you blow them up please? Aunt-IL, grab hold of the other end of this banner and hold it up while I fix it in position" or whatever.

Mitzimaybe · 23/04/2019 18:33

Oh and if anyone is pandering to them then it needs to be your DH, not you. They are his family and if he won't put his foot down with them, then any inconvenience needs to fall on him, not you.

Yesicancancan · 23/04/2019 18:36

Why were you, sorry how, were you up all night painting with no power on ?

ForalltheSaints · 23/04/2019 18:39

Well done OP for making the first step. Your DH should be doing more, or indeed start doing something to end this though.

It may be company on the journey or kindness to a lonely MILs sister, or an excuse for the MILs new DH not to come, or any of the other ideas suggested. Regardless, it is not what you want and it is your home.

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Downthecanal · 23/04/2019 18:39

She feels the divide between you 100%

My mil is very similar

Alsohuman · 23/04/2019 19:01

I'd assume as there's no FiL the aunt comes off the substitute bench and treat her according. Presumably if MiL had a new partner you wouldn't mind her bringing them, how is this different? And obviously they should muck in.

Tistheseason17 · 23/04/2019 19:09

Well done for telling them to help themselves!

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