Mam against upcoming proposal

[OddSockMonkey]

Hi this is my first post but longtime lurker before I made my account.

I am a woman dating another woman and we are at the stage in our relationship where we are wanting to get engaged. We are quite young (21 & 20) but have been together since school (5yrs) and lived together for 2 of those. I have a good job and partner is in last year of uni with a good job lined up. We have talked about this for over a year and are sure we want to get engaged (I have even planned how I will propose) and are thinking of getting engaged in 6ish months. We have the same expectations of a timeline and would both want to get a mortgage before getting married so we are not losing money on rent while paying for a wedding. We would not and do not expect a contribution to any part of our finances from either family and have a lovely rented home with all our own furniture and shared bills (equally split).

I knew my mam would be apprehensive as she married in her early 20s to an abusive drunk who was 14 years older and wasted 25 years of her life with him. She loves my partner completely and treats her as family already and would be so excited at an engagement if we were a bit older. I brought up the topic of a sooner engagement (also explaining we would wait to marry until we purchase a house together which would be at least 4-5yrs and another 2-3 to save and plan for biggish wedding we would both love) and she was really hurtful in her comments and said we were stupid for doing this at our age and admitted that her only issue was age otherwise she would be thrilled.
My partners family have been lovely and really encouraging despite both her parents having been divorced before and various step children so not the best marriage experience either.

I guess my Aibu is should my mam be ok with our long engagement as she would be happy for us to marry in 5 years with a really short engagement?

Obviously don’t expect to part but as we already live together and share finances if the worst was to happen it would make little difference practically if we were engaged as there is no legal ramifications so that is not the reason for her concern and she has admitted she thinks we are ‘the one’ for each other

Ready to be flamed for our ages and told we should wait and have a shorter engagement but we would like a long engagement so we can enjoy being engaged for a few years before we have to start planning and our time gets taken up by searching for venues etc.

Thank you in advance for your help 😁

To be honest I don't understand the whole "planning to be engaged" thing. If you agree that you are going to marry someone then you are engaged. By planning to get engaged you are saying that in X months time we will agree to get married?.

Tbh I don't see the point in a long engagement. But I'm quaite old and you're young so you do you.

Maybe not discuss with your mum, she's perhaps finding it a bit triggering as the young folk say.

Best wishes!

You are babies.

I think you should wait a few years to even think about marrying. Why rush things? You sound happy, that's great. You don't have to make any decisions now. I got married at 25 and regretted it. I wasn't fully formed when I was in that relationship. I grew up, he didn't.

From someone who got engaged at 21 in the May and was married by the October, JUST DO IT!

Age is nothing! Just get the ring and propose when you want. Have a long engagement if you that is what you want. You don't need to rush like I did but we just couldn't wait 😂

We are only waiting the 6 months as my partner is having a small operation in the summer (nothing major or life threatening) and before that she has some exams so don't want to make an announcement or do a proper ring swap until things have calmed down a little

Also I have a very good relationship with my mam normally and would be difficult to keep that is she was upset as she is quite petty, it would not be triggering as she is in a good place and is very open about her marriage and no longer lets it hurt her

Honestly, OP, why is this relationship being so publicly pre-planned with other people? I personally in your mother’s shoes would feel uneasy at the fact that you can’t have ever had more than the merest teenage fumble with anyone else, and you are very young, and sound even younger, and you’re already all bound up in mortgages, great whacking long engagements and huge wedding planning, but ultimately, it’s your life. Your call.

So are you saying you will get engaged in six months and then be engaged for 4-5 years before you get married?

If so, I don't know why your mam is so concerned as that's a (very) long engagement and although you are both young you don't intend to get married soon.

From experience I would say there’s nothing to enjoy about being engaged except actually planning a wedding. Without that, it doesn’t really mean or change much in a practical sense. So you won’t really ‘enjoy’ five years of engagement. There will just be five years of living as a normal non-married couple (while people assume you will never actually get married) until you actually make it real by planning your wedding.

You are really, really young. A proposal and engagement sound like big exciting things, but it’s clear you aren’t really at that stage of your lives yet. You aren’t ready to get married - you sensibly have things you want to sort first. And since the only point in getting engaged is to prepare for marriage, I can’t see why you would rush into it now.

Enjoy your lovely happy relationship. Save up for your house. Get engaged when you’re actually ready to get married. Believe me when I say it will be so much more special and enjoyable that way.

@Torytop our families are quite traditional in respect of expecting a cheesy proposal story and a proper announcement/party so that is mainly an accompanying part, deep down we would both also love a special moment like that but already consider each other basically engaged.

My mam has admitted not having many partners before settling down doesn't bother her so that is not her issue

With regard to thinking of the future if I was single I would be thinking of a mortgage too as I feel it provides more security than renting so is a big personal aim

An engagement is a promise to marry. IMO that should be about two years max. The idea of a planned engagement including party , then long time before marriage is basically "we want presents- lots! Both when we get engaged and then again when we eventually marry!"

I'd suggest stop telling people all your thoughts.
If you turned up in 6 months and announced your engagement she'd likely but in a happy face and wish you well.
I advise the same if you want children. Make your plans and then tell people when it's done.

I do think this idea of discussing who will propose and when is weird but if it works for you both that's all that matters.

And agree there really isn't much to enjoy about being engaged past the initial excitement and then wedding planning.

If you’ve talked about getting married and agreed to do it you’re already engaged. Surely if your girlfriend is having and operation and things are a bit crazy that is the best time to have the emotional security of a committed relationship? Let me explain from my experience: I was with my now DH for 3 years before he proposed. We never talked expressly about marriage till the day he proposed, but it was clear that we were going from strength to strength and he knew he’d likely get a positive response if he asked. However the year before he proposed my Mum became ill and died. Frankly I would have felt MUCH more emotionally secure through that awful experience if he had been my fiancé by then and not just my boyfriend. Engagement is more than just a fun thing to enjoy, it is a commitment that changes your perspective on everything in life. My DH gets that now, he has said he thought that proposing them would have been bad timing, he was so wrong.

This is all bonkers to me. I don't even know what it means to 'enjoy being engaged'. Being engaged isn't a state in itself, it's being engaged to be married. It's a waiting period, not a goal. I don't really understand big pre-planned proposals either, tbh. It's your life, not a series of instagrammable photo shoots. If you want to marry this woman, ask her. And then work out when you can reasonably get married and get married.

An engagement as you suggest (correct me if I am wrong!) would lead to a wedding in 6 to 8 years time? Is that right? It just seems a bit, as if if it makes the engagement less special and more a thing to do because of a feeling of insecurity somewhere from someone in the relationship. Only from my own situation, we were together a good few years and the engagement part only came when we had a definitive outlook/timeline on a marriage. It didn't matter up until that point, the engagement happened when the marriage started being planned.

Look it is just as easy break off a relationship whether there is a ring or not. And yes unfortunately at 20 and 21 age does come into it, breathe a little and enjoy the time you have together. Unless there is a need you feel as a same-sex couple to be taken seriously depending on your environment, is that part of it?

I think it’s sweet to be concerned about your mam, but part of being a grown up is taking responsibility for your own life. If you want to get engaged, just do it. If it’s a 5 or 10 year engagement it’s not anyone else’s business really.

I don't like the whole 'planning to get engaged' thing. There is no status legally in an engagement so it's planning to plan a marriage. But like pp I'm old(er).
Be in a committed relationship. Live together. Enjoy it for the moment. Get engaged 18 months (we were engaged 9 months) before you get married and confine wedding talk to that time.
Your mum put up with years of abuse in the name of marriage so she may well see it as a bigger deal than people who were less abused in marriage.

OP, you’ve decided you want a future together that includes marriage — you’re already engaged. It doesn’t require a proposal and a ring, and as a pp has said, it has no separate legal status.

I get you OP, you want to make it official that you’re a couple and you don’t want surgeries or exams to take the shine off it. My advice? Relax,let it happen when it happens. Leave your mum and everyone else who isn’t you and your partner out of it, no one else needs to be involved until you two are ready to announce your engagement and start planning for the wedding. There’s no need for all this planning for the build up to the build up to the build up. There are no deadlines you have to meet or boxes you have to tick other than those you and your partner set yourselves and you don’t have to prove anything to anyone who isn’t you two either.

Agree that if you have agreed to marry, then you are already engaged. A fancy proposal and party and rings are just the window dressing. Congratulations on your engagement.

I don’t understand why you’d be engaged for 4/5 years. Engagement is the time to prepare and plan getting married.

You don’t ‘plan’ to get engaged in 6 months - it’s pointless. You discuss when you want to get married, agree and then you’re engaged.

Sorry, but I think I agree with your mum - literally no reason to do it if you have a load of stuff on the list to do first.

Congratulations OP on finding a woman you love and want to spend your life with.

"I guess my Aibu is should my mam be ok with our long engagement as she would be happy for us to marry in 5 years with a really short engagement?"

Really, truly, you cannot make your mum happy about this but the good news is - she does not need to be OK with this. In your shoes I would tell her, in the nicest possible way - Mum, I love you and I love that you love my partner. We will get engaged when we are ready to, and will will get married when we are ready to.

Then I would simply not discuss it with her until something happens, a proposal, or whatever and I would tell her about it, and if she has any negative comments, so be it.

Congratulations, your life sounds great, do not let this drag you down, you are both adults and your choices are your choices now.

As someone else said you are both babies. And being together 5 years doesnt count for much, you were just teens and children.
I dont think your mum ibu here. Why not just get married in 5 years then?

Five years in longer than some marriages and 21 and 20 are not babies!

I don't think the mum is being unreasonable to not want them to get married or engaged (although if engagement doesn't mean anything what does it matter?).

OP I think you would be unreasonable to let your mum dictate your love life at 20.