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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not there during my pregnancy what do I do when Baby is here

14 replies

Emily1091 · 21/04/2019 22:13

So I posted yesterday regarding my other half (now ex) and lack of support he was giving me.

I’ve told him where to get off and he seems quite happy to do so, he said he will be in touch around my due date but doesn’t want to see or hear from me prior to this. Am I being selfish to say that I’m not handing my baby over to it’s ‘father’ when he or she is here no questions asked to say he is happy to not be involved in any of the scans and basically will get in touch once I’ve given birth.

I want to tell him to fuck off and if I’m being honest I want to tell him to take me to court. I don’t want to play god with my child and I know he or she will need mum AND dad growing up but why the fuck should I give him my baby when he isn’t bothered about the pregnancy/scans/finding out the gender and leaving the preparation to all to me as I know he won’t sacrifice any money from his binge drinking kitty to help the mother of his child out. When he said he would be in touch in December... Im due in November! He doesn’t even know his child due date.

What do you guys think because I think if he’s so happy to ignore the fact he’s got a baby on the way and walk away from his child for the rest of the year whilst I’m carrying it (not walk away from me, but his child only) then what’s to stop him doing it in the future once the novelty has worn off and he’s had enough of the crying. He shouts at his own kids which I despise and can’t bear the thought of him shouting at my new born baby crying .

I’m annoyed with his mum as well because as his mum she should be saying woah hold up start acting right your a father to 2 already and another on the way. He can’t do the basics of keeping a job down but mummy is always on hand to loan him money but he doesn’t have to pay it back he just has to promise to buy the kids something which I’ll add he never does. She’s bailed him out all his life and this is part of why he is like he is because he’s never had to stand on his own two feet and he’s been carried and I know I’m to blame by carrying him too. I know his mum will get in touch and give me the sob story should I say court and say it’s undue stress I’m adding but what about what he’s put me through. I know that but isn’t relevant to him seeing the baby but it pisses me off so much.

Any advice would be appreciated thank you

OP posts:

CupcakeDrama · 21/04/2019 22:47

I think him not wanting to be involved till the baby is born is fine. He doesnt need to support you theoughout the pregnancy as your not his partner. Im always reading on here women complaining that their ex wants to come to scans or be at the birth, this one doesnt want to be there and hes still in the wrong!

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 21/04/2019 22:52

I realise the horse has already bolted but maybe in future don't have any children with someone who treats their other children badly, is irresponsible, drinks too much and has to be bailed out by his mother. However having done so it's not right to withhold contact because you think he's a dick. Don't go out of your way to contact him but equally don't ignore of he contacts you wanting to see his child. He's not your partner anymore, and actually it sounds like you'll be better off without him around during the pregnancy.

CaravanHero · 21/04/2019 22:52

Same as pp...he shouldn’t ‘have’ to support you.

Yabu if you’re intending keeping your baby from him already. You sound like you’re already using the baby as a weapon and the poor bugger’s not even born yet.

Original poster

Emily1091 · 21/04/2019 22:53

I don’t see how it’s fine at al he’s turning a blind eye forgetting his responsibilities until they are here and he should be wanting to be involved as it’s his child. I wouldn’t dream of doing what he’s doing should the boot be on the other foot.

OP posts:

CaravanHero · 21/04/2019 22:57

He doesn’t HAVE any responsibilities until the baby is born.

What you seem to mean is he won’t be involved with or support you during the pregnancy - well thats all about you isn’t it?

Crappycrapcrapcrap · 21/04/2019 23:00

Don’t name him on the birth certificate, give the baby your surname and don’t let him or his family know when the baby has been born.

Let him get into contact with you whenever he feels like it. If he’s shit with his other two kids the novelty will wear off quickly.

Just remember if he’s not on the birth certificate and you’re not married he doesn’t have automatic parental responsibility so if he takes your dc and fails to return them the police can ensure the child is returned to you.
If he is named on the certificate or you are married he can decided not to return your child as planned there’s nothing the police can do to force him to return the child.
You would have to apply through court to get your child returned to you.

You can’t stop him being in your child’s life if he chooses to be and is a safe parent but you can make the situation less risky for your child’s home life stability by taking proper legal action.

CupcakeDrama · 21/04/2019 23:01

the pregnancy is about you not the baby. He doesnt have to provide financially until its born either.

Nicknacky · 21/04/2019 23:01

Was the baby planned?

Nearlythere1 · 21/04/2019 23:03

Don't put him on the birth certificate or give it his surname OP for the love of god. You'll be stuck with this type of behaviour for 18 years. You can still claim child support from him without him on the birth certificate. Please don't give him any legal rights of your baby, if he is an angry father and happy to waltz in and out of your lives it will cause nothing but pain to you both. Look how many horror stories there are on here, mum's too scared to take their child on holiday in case they get stopped at the airport.

cocodash · 21/04/2019 23:14

Personally I would tell him to fuck right off and I would maybe consider informing him once baby is here depending on my mood.... Buuuut I'm a spiteful stubborn cow so not the best advice Lol

Reality though... If he wants to see his child once its arrived and be an active part of the babies life then you should let him. You both made this baby and should be both involved. It wont be worth it in the long run explaining to your child that you stopped a relationship with their dad because you held a grudge.

But still feel free to tell his mum to fuck off lol

Nearlythere1 · 21/04/2019 23:55

Why should you "let him" be a part of your baby's life if he isn't prepared to be a committed part of it though? I'd rather he wasn't involved at all and honestly i think that would be in your child's interests. Meet somebody else and have a stable happy home even if it isn't with her actual dad.

Bunbunbunny · 22/04/2019 00:21

Was the pregnancy planned?

AssassinatedBeauty · 22/04/2019 00:45

The scans etc are medical appointments for you. I wouldn't want my ex there, I'd rather have someone who could be supportive or go on my own. It's unlikely to happen, but if you have bad news or a serious decision to make would you really want him there?

I agree with not putting him on the birth certificate and not giving your baby his surname. I wouldn't tell him anything about what's going on unless he asks. I wouldn't make any comments about court or anything like that. Leave it entirely up to him, let him show if he's going to be interested or not. Similarly, I wouldn't respond at all to his mother.

AlunWynsKnee · 22/04/2019 00:58

You want him to display a level of commitment he's failed to deliver with his existing children? It's not going to happen.
Make your decisions assuming he doesn't really care. Assume you'll be doing this alone.
If you have the baby, don't expect him to come to appointments, the birth, the registrars etc. You can't put him down as the father if he's not at the registrar appointment. You may have to request a DNA test to get child support.
You can want all you like but apart from perhaps 10% of his earnings you can't expect. It's shit but you might as well get used to it.

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