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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel left out?

17 replies

FamilyIssues2 · 21/04/2019 19:59

I'm in a family where 2 brothers and 2 sisters are married. They both have 3 kids aged almost the same (5,12,15) and have previously been close and then fallen out then close again. We have 1 DS age 3 and honestly they couldn't really give a shit except when he was born and when they fell out I thought wow they're both really interested - then silly me realised it was one-up-manship showing off our child like an accessory when required to upset the other family.

Now recently they've been really close again and have been doing LOADS together. Not once have we been invited. We've had them round but have never been invited round theirs. Never hear from them unless we instigate it. Yet a couple of times we have had "you never see us" "we never hear from you" etc yet they literally never instigate any contact?! Its so weird.

I feel desperately sad for my DS missing out on time with his cousins and I feel like what's wrong with us? And upset we are just left out. My husband can be fragile so I dont voice my upset to him because he would get really really upset and/or angry that they've upset me so I just needed to vent on here. I'm actually desperate to have another child so we can truly have our own little family and he can have his only little friend in the form of a brother or sister to stop this feeling. But that seems so wrong to want another child for a reason like that - even though we do want more children in general.

We have other friends and other family but for some reason this eats away at me a bit - in fact some things really do eat away at me and bother me like this even though generally in life I'm a happy go lucky person with a lot of good stuff going on. Anyway AIBU and over thinking? Should we say something? Thank you!

OP posts:

Dippypippy1980 · 21/04/2019 20:05

Am I right - your husband’s two brothers married a set of sisters?

So hey are much closer beciase the sisters are also tight - while you are a bit of an outsider?

Original poster

FamilyIssues2 · 21/04/2019 20:07

Yep exactly that

OP posts:

Cryalot2 · 21/04/2019 20:07

Don't let your family stress you.
Are they the sort of people you would choose as friends if not related?
If not let them be .
We choose our friends, not our families.

Yesicancancan · 21/04/2019 20:10

Don’t take it personally, just do what you would and want to do. Instigate once a year and if no one else does you know you have tried.
Siblings don’t always get on, just saying especially when there is an age gap, having another to provide a playmate is not really the right reason.

Original poster

FamilyIssues2 · 21/04/2019 20:10

No I wouldn't choose them as friends but my husband feels he wants to be his brothers best mates but they dont reciprocate which I find really sad for him- I can see his little disappointed face sometimes and think ok I'll help make a real effort and then they come round all half arsed and never offer back! It's sad because years ago pre children we were all closer.

OP posts:

Original poster

FamilyIssues2 · 21/04/2019 20:11

The thing is we do offer and they will come but then we never hear from them. Then we get shit for them "never hearing from us" and I think WTF texts,phone calls and popping in can go both ways?!?!

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 21/04/2019 20:12

It's probably cos the sisters are close and instigate all the meet-ups.

Doidontimmm · 21/04/2019 20:13

I really think it’s the age difference in kids, they will naturally do things together taking into account their kids ages. Could your DH form a relationship with his brothers outside of family life ie a pint every so often or watch a sport etc?

Original poster

FamilyIssues2 · 21/04/2019 20:27

He has tried that- he shares a similar hobby with both brothers. They're always busy etc whenever he asks or not able to for some reason. Then do it with each other instead.

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 21/04/2019 20:41

That was my family. My mother's two brothers married two sisters. Both families lived within a mile of each other and within a mile of their parents. My family lived 12 miles away.

We were NEVER included, even though I was the same age as my girl cousins. I was constantly reminded that "They are double first cousins and I was only a single first cousin!" I had a good relationship with my grandmother as I grew older because we had shared interests, but the rest of the family we saw maybe twice a year.
Even now, with GPs and all our parents gone, and only us cousins left, they continue to behave like twins. I see them on Facebook doing "family gatherings" that do not include me, my children or my grandchildren. But that's okay. We have our own family now.
Go ahead and have that second baby. Build your own family!!

Itsnotme123 · 21/04/2019 20:49

My family used to accuse me of not texting or phoning, then I told them why I don’t. They shut up after that.

I got accused of not going to my nephews RAF passout. I was never invited, didn’t even know it was happening. I gave them a verbal slap round the head. In fact I’d be happy if I never saw that lot ever again.

Original poster

FamilyIssues2 · 21/04/2019 20:50

Georgia thank you I'm glad we're not the only ones. I've been researching and I have a lot of Aspergers traits and I do wonder if sometimes people just dont like me but then since they've been acting like this with our son and my husband I guess it's nothing to do with that and I need to just shrug and get on with it. Just seems a shame. What's funny is we moved 3 miles away and they act like they need to trek up Everest to get here, yet even when we lived on their doorstep they made no effort either!! I just have to get over it and stop making the effort I think and deal with any comments that come our way.

OP posts:

Original poster

FamilyIssues2 · 21/04/2019 20:51

@itsnotme123 do you mean you told them that you dont text or phone them because they never text or phone you? I'd love to say that!

OP posts:

Bringbackthestripes · 21/04/2019 21:19

It’s the two sister thing I would say. Me and my sister are close and see each other loads (as do our kids) despite living 50 miles apart whereas my brothers DC don’t see the cousins as much despite living two minutes round the corner from my sister.

Neither of our DH can form the sort of relationship with our DB that us DSIS have just like we can not form a relationship with round the corner SIL as we have with each other. DH has a relationship with his DB and they live 80 miles away, even after 20 years marriage his SIL doesn’t want to form a relationship with me when she has her own sister living nearby and so my DC isn’t close to theirs. It is a bit sad.

The kids ages is also a huge factor. But mostly the sister thing.

Original poster

FamilyIssues2 · 21/04/2019 23:03

Yeah I see what you mean. Just such a shame that's all.

OP posts:

Itsnotme123 · 22/04/2019 20:14

FamilyIssues2 I had deeper problems in the past with them which I’d rather not go into on here. They seemed to have forgotten. So I reminded them.

Original poster

FamilyIssues2 · 22/04/2019 20:22

Good for you. Sorry I mis read what you said I think! Easily confused.

OP posts:

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