AIBU to resent him for breaking up ?

[Sandrayeo]

I dated my ex for 5 years. We were good friends beforehand but the first 2 years of our relationship were very tough. We fought a lot. The third year was way better because both of us made compromises and things smoothed out. So we decided to take it to the next level, well I asked where this relationship was going. I reminded him of my age (34 at the time) and past health issues that could affect my fertility. So we agreed to start TTC and marry later.

I don’t know if I had cold feet but 2 weeks after we started TTC, we had another argument over the same BS as usual and I flipped. I told him i couldn’t take the constant fights anymore, that the next one would be the end of our relationship, that we should probably take a step back from TTC and think about our future and that I was not OK with having a child before getting married .
That’s a lot, that’s mean, part of me probably meant it but still, the minute I said those things, I knew I went too far and regretted it. He said nothing but from that moment on, he slowly pulled away. I saw him drifting and tried my best to patch things up but he wouldn’t let me. We kept TTC and every time I asked he said everything was fine, he still loved me and still wanted a family with me but his actions were off.

When I finally got pregnant he told me to either get an abortion or forget about him. I kept the baby so he bailed. For 2 years afterwards he wouldn’t take my calls, answer my emails, nothing.

I recently found out that during those months between the fight and me getting pregnant, he rekindled a relationship with a woman he was dating on and off before me but also during the first 2 years of our RS.
He got her pregnant 6 months after me and eventually married her 2 weeks ago

Getting the news of his wedding was painful. Not that I would want him back but it made me go over everything that happened again and again.

Now I wonder if I didn’t bring this upon myself. Maybe I triggered all the drama, the split and my DC growing without a dad

Hmm I doubt it, based on what you've said. He's with the woman that he was cheating on you with? You're well out of it.

Easy to look back in hindsight and see where out mistakes lay. It's also quite human, to look back, and see if an ex is happy/sad, how their life panned out. We'd all be liars if we didn't admit to a little social media snoop here and there.

And you cant make him be a father either.

Easier said than done, to say not to dwell on the past and look to the future.

YABU to resent him for anything to be honest as quite clearly your relationship was a total mess. Genuinely no judgement but if you are trying to conceive in a relationship that is so unsettled then expecting a happy ending is hopelessly optimistic. You have your DC and the rest you need to come to terms with. Ruminating over the past won’t help you move forward.

@Mari50 not even for the cheating and lying and bailing on me once I got pregnant ?

He’s a twat and no wonder you’re upset. But honestly you also need to look at yourself and ask why you were TTC in a relationship you knew was hopelessly wrong. That wasn’t fair to you, or your baby. So for that YAB a bit U.

In any event, you have to try and move on from him. He’s a dick, and he really isn’t worth your time.

OP what's done is done, you have your DC which you should focus all
Of your effort on.

He's obviously a total cock womble and not worth your time. You did nothing wrong, and if he doesn't want to see his DC then that's on him.

Be kind to yourself and be the best mother you can be

If what you are asking is whether you brought all this on yourself by saying something you regret in one fight, then absolutely not. Someone who is capable of two timing you, pretending to want a family with you when he actually didn't and then refusing to have anything to do with his DC is not someone who would have treated you wonderfully if only you hadn't lost your temper in one argument. He sounds awful, and you are far, far better off without him. Don't think for one minute that if only you hadn't lost your temper that one time you would now be happily married. Enjoy your DC, focus on the fact that the one good thing that came out of it is that you got the baby you wanted.

I’m sorry but the fact you found the first two years tough is a red flag for me - why on earth stay in a new relationship if it’s tough! You dodged a bullet - let him go and find someone who treasures you.

Everyone is better out of explosive unhealthy relationships, and generally you are better off totally breaking off contact because it is easy to become embroiled again.

I think this may be one of those cases where everyone is better off that you broke up, didn't communicate and he settled down with someone else. I would add to this, don't resume contact: you're mostly out of it, let it stay that way, as much as it can anyway. The cheating is irrelevant now it's in the past, same for the lying, and the fact you both ttc when he had checked out and you knew it was unhealthy - might as well write it all off as water under the bridge.

..and I flipped. I told him i couldn’t take the constant fights anymore, that the next one would be the end of our relationship, that we should probably take a step back from TTC and think about our future and that I was not OK with having a child before getting married.

I liked that bit of your story. The bit where you were absolutely honest about how you felt. You were entirely genuine.

His response was to cheat on you.

You are so well rid of this shit. But of course it stings that he was so shitty.

Well she is married to a liar and a cheat who will cheerfully cut off his own child when life gets a bit tough.

You can choose to be mad or you can choose to pity her and be happy that you escaped that life.

You made a mistake TTC with this man in a relationship that very obviously wasn’t right BUT you have had a lucky escape, unlike the poor woman he married.