To ask if anyone has divorced at 40 and is happy and has a new relationship

[coco123456789]

I’m not looking for doom and gloom messages - I know there are plenty. I just want some reassurance that there are people out there who have little kids and divorced, but are now happy again. My STBX is a workaholic. I have tried to excuse it, live with it etc but the resentment has grown too great. Working at weekends, holidays, always always looking at phone. It’s not just the pressure of work - he adores it and loves being needed by work (but not by home?!). I would rather be alone and just get on with it. I know I can cope with the kids and have family nearby, my parents are wealthy and so I am not worried about our financials. I just want to build a life where I am not treading on eggshells and waiting (furiously) for someone to come home. There is no love between us. I am a housekeeper/nanny. He doesn’t desire me or appreciate me. I don’t appreciate him to be honest - he earns well but I don’t want that. Would rather have a simpler life with a supportive man who is actually around. I just want to know from anyone who has been here and it is now ok?

The more powerful option is to divorce in order to be alone. Yes it's great to have a nice partner but it's also great to be a free agent and to enjoy your own company. To stop defining yourself in terms of your partner is the biggest gift you can give yourself.
And I know lots of people who got divorced aged in their 40s and older, and went on to remarry. But some didn't and they were just fine, too.

I worry that I will no good alone. Everyone I know is in a couple. I don’t drink and am not a fun night with the girls person. I am introverted. But being in a marriage with no love and respect has probably actually worked away at totally destroying my confidence and self esteem. And having an ambitious workaholic partner has just made me a boring, drudge at home person.

To stop defining yourself in terms of your partner is the biggest gift you can give yourself

Amen to that

Yes, my hairdresser has just gone through this. She’s a bit older, with older children and her ex’s behaviour has led to an acrimonious divorce. But she’s never regretted it, her confidence has soared, and after having a short relationship is more than happily single.

Why might you be no good alone?

Yes, but I had to date a lot and find my own positivity. No one was going to fix me or the mess I was left in.

I found fun in dating, saw it as meeting new people and started to work out boundaries along the way. Had some laughs, weird moments and lots and lots dissapoinment and tears. After 2 and a bit years met someone good enough for me

When everything is stripped away, if you are completely alone and went somewhere new with one bag of clothes you could rebuild a life. When I felt lonely I would think that and then be grateful that I had more - friends and family and a home.

You are just as important as an individual as you are in a couple.

I was in a very very similar situation to you, with a high-earning workaholic DH who just disgarded me basically after we had kids and he was no longer getting the attention he needed from me. He left me with a 4yo and a baby two years ago but to be really honest, our relationship wasn’t working and I don’t know how much longer it would have lasted anyway.

I can truly say I am happier now. I’m 38 so I hope I still have some time (!) but I haven’t met a new partner yet and tbh I don’t want to. I love my freedom and even though I don’t get a lot of free time, it is so so precious to me and I spend it nurturing myself! I did briefly date someone for a few months but I found I just didn’t want to invest so much of my precious free time in a relationship - I want to focus on me.

I truly think that is the way forward tbh - if you do split up, give yourself time. Don’t throw yourself into dating too soon, take a breather and rediscover who you are when your life no longer revolves around waiting for him. There are discoveries to be made about yourself, I promise you. Only after you’ve done that, think about meeting someone new. But good luck. Divorce can be a new lease of life for women.

I actually worried that I would struggle on my own...I am talking about my first marriage with the father of my now adult DCs....but it turned out to be a lot easier than I imagined because there was no longer the emotional stress of living with someone who did not see us as a family.

My self esteem was shot at and I was a total bag of nerves as there was abuse involved.
It took me a few years to stop worrying about everything and I started to enjoy the years I had on my own.
I was shy but then I started working in a really nice working environment and also studying for professional qualifications so things improved for me and the DCs all round very quickly.

So yes OP life can be really good after devorce, just give yourself plenty of time to recover and look after your own emotional wellbeing.

Thanks everyone. I think having a job would be vital for me. It’s hard as everyone sees DH as a perfect husband. Good job, buys lavish gifts, used to take me away for anniversaries etc. But I still felt lonely, felt like it was just ‘stuff’ and he was still checking his phone all the time, getting annoyed if I couldn’t find directions etc. I am angry at myself as I know my resentment and bitterness over work has pushed him further away. He was so nice when we met. But that was before he fell in love with work.

How much does he know of how you are feeling?

Would you consider relationship counselling?

I know this is an old thread… did you leave ?