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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Have these requirements when I’m a 39 yo single mum

93 replies

Sandrayeo · 21/04/2019 00:25

Hi all,
I’m a 39 yo single mother of 1. I’ve been through a pretty traumatic experience with my ex but now I’m considering dating again.

I just recently got on dating apps. The things is, I’ve been contacted only once and the guy is not really out I’m looking for.

I would like to meet a 38-48 yo man, with kids, who’s honest, kind and likes traveling.
I don’t have physical requirements but I would like someone with at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job

AIBU ? Since I’m a single mum of 40, shouldn’t I be less picky and go for any decent guy willing to settle with me ?

I read so many depressing articles on the web about 40+ women having less chance to get married than to be killed by terrorists... or about 70% of single mums over 40 remaining single forever.

It’s frightening

OP posts:
senbei · 21/04/2019 08:19

Sorry, cross post - just saw your update!

BottleOfJameson · 21/04/2019 08:20

I would say that the 70% of single mums who stay single will include lots of women who are much older than 40 and lots who want to remain single or are not actively dating.

littlemeitslyn · 21/04/2019 08:24

'Egregious ' 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

visitorthedog · 21/04/2019 08:25

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in being specific. You sound great and there’s no point wasting your time with the wrong man, you’re better off single otherwise and it sounds like you’re going well. Fingers crossed that the right man comes along, I don’t think you’re going to be alone, it will happen if that’s what you want.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 21/04/2019 08:26

Hi op get on the old dating thread on the relationships board..it’s a brilliant supportive thread.

Dieu · 21/04/2019 08:29

And I can't believe you've been accused on gold digging on here (not likely with your job, ha ha!). Haven't we come further than this? Confused And would a man be accused of this, if he was on the lookout for a similarly educated woman?
Honestly, this place sometimes ...

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 21/04/2019 08:33

Nothing wrong with having a list.

But if you are only interested in people who state those things on their profile, why dont you list them too?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 21/04/2019 08:34

about 70% of single mums over 40 remaining single forever.

Also by single do you mean unmarried? Because I wouldn't marry again but am in a long term relationship?

Iris1654 · 21/04/2019 08:38

I’m a single parent, recently divorced. I would never have another live in man.
70% of 40 year old women have worked out that life is easier/ better without a man 😂

Inliverpool1 · 21/04/2019 08:39

Go on bumble. I have requirements just because I’m a single parent makes me no less of a catch.

According to DD’s 17 year old male friend I am a snack so I remind myself of this every time some balding over wright Middle aged twat treats me like shit

Lockheart · 21/04/2019 08:41

As long as you're not asking for anything which you're not bringing to the table yourself then YANBU.

I'm similar, I'd like someone with a good standard of education (I have a master's), and with a decently paying career (again, as do I). I don't want a relationship where there's going to be huge financial inequality. I have no intention of giving up my career and I'm certainly no gold-digger. But I want someone who has a similar lifestyle to me. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Mog6840 · 21/04/2019 08:44

I also think the bachelor degree and job thing is picky and off putting.

To me you might as well say ' I want someone who's high earning'

My husband has a very good job and is a high earner but he doesn't have a degree & most of my successful friends don't have a degree or work in an office!

If that's what you are looking for fair enough but I don't think you have to specify it.

I think getting to know an individual is more important. You will know very quickly if someone is in your wave length personally and intellectually.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/04/2019 08:50

"I’m a single parent, recently divorced. I would never have another live in man.
70% of 40 year old women have worked out that life is easier/ better without a man 😂"

Definitely not true. I've read about single mums who want to stay single on MN. When it comes to women in their 40s who are not mothers, or whose children are grown up, I don't know ANYONE in real life who's single and wants to stay single. Every single person I know, male and female, would like to meet someone. How badly and whether they do much about it varies, but all would like to meet someone.

I suppose it's different for single mothers as they don't live alone.

Moomoomoomoomoo · 21/04/2019 08:51

My BIL is a high earner and head of a company, he doesn’t have a degree. Earns significantly more than me.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/04/2019 08:53

"I also think the bachelor degree and job thing is picky and off putting. "

Me too, although I can understand why OP wants someone who's educated.
I'm wondering if there's a better way of putting it e.g. something like 'someone to have deep conversations with' or mention an intellectual hobby or something.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/04/2019 08:54

"because I’m a single parent makes me no less of a catch. "

Well, that's for other people to decide isn't it.

fotheringhay · 21/04/2019 09:00

Lovely, Gwenhwfar

Why are you put out by someone else's high confidence? Hmm

hazzysmoozy · 21/04/2019 09:02

So you would want a successful business person who say runs a plumbing business? I think qualification (especially a bachelors degree) will limit your dating pool. I would understand wanting someone with a PhD if you were an academic yourself.

Inliverpool1 · 21/04/2019 09:10

Gwenhwyfar - well no it’s not opinion it’s fact.

SlappingJoffrey · 21/04/2019 09:15

It's never unreasonable to have requirements in a partner, and fwiw I totally see why a single parent would feel someone else with children might be more on the same page.

However, inevitably you're going to be excluding people who you might otherwise have a decent chance of a relationship with. There's nothing wrong in that, but be aware of it. If enough people look at your profile, some of them are going to be people who like the look of you, but don't contact you because they think you won't want them.

I would also agree with the pp who said that if you're asking for these things you should probably put that information out there about yourself. A man who is also at the same work level as you and wants someone in a similar role can't consider you if you don't tell him you tick his boxes.

Also in your second post, you seem effectively to be asking if you're pricing yourself out of the market. That's a possibility yes, but it's not one that anyone on here can really answer without seeing and meeting you tbh. Perfectly possible that your problem is your profile rather than your requirements.

In terms of being black, I suppose it may shrink the pool a bit, because black people are presumably in a minority on the sites and apps, and there are some people who don't want an interracial relationship. So if 10% of people on the sites only want a partner of the same race, that will affect you more because most of them will be white. But not a lot you can do about your ethnicity! Are you open to all ethnic groups yourself?

KC225 · 21/04/2019 09:21

My brother -52 no degree but successful in his own field, has never wanted is marrying a 50 year old (lovely) woman divorced with grown up children. Her daughter will be the maid of honour and her son is walking her down the aisle.

A friend of a friend also met a single dad at her sons football training/games every Saturday.

Don't be too ridgid, some people may be put off by the list even if they fufil the list. As the poster above said, the trick is to talk as many as possible and weed out the fast food addicted golfers quickly.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/04/2019 09:22

would like someone with at least a bachelor degree and a white collar job

I'd read that as he has to have money, it's going to put a lot off.

senbei · 21/04/2019 09:22

And I can't believe you've been accused on gold digging on here (not likely with your job, ha ha!). Haven't we come further than this? confused And would a man be accused of this, if he was on the lookout for a similarly educated woman?

I'm assuming you're talking about my post up there. Thing is, I'm not accusing the OP of gold-digging, I'm just saying that it's possible that she may come across that way. Just browse through Instagram and Twitter for eg, and you'll see screenshots of Tinder profiles where SOME women have all these criteria about how successful a man must be all the while not being able to bring the same to the table.

It's not a personal dig at the OP at all. Unless she explicitly states her job on whatever dating site she's on, how will they know? It's not ideal, yes. But when something is so prevalent online (maybe it's confirmation bias too since we do unfortunately remember the ones that do this instead of the thousands that don't), people do tend to take that into account.

CupOhTea · 21/04/2019 09:24

No, I don’t think yabu. I would also tend to prefer men with degrees, even if their jobs were not white collar iyswim. Maybe one or the other, (white collar job or degree), but not necessarily both, would be my preference, (hypothetically, seeing as I’m married). I wouldn’t rule people out over it necessarily, but I would tend to gravitate to people who are similar to me and seeing as you are a degree educated executive, it isn’t surprising that you’d seek similar in a partner. I don’t think there’s much wrong with that.

I wouldn’t want to date another parent necessarily though. What if it became a serious relationship and you then have to go down the whole blended family road? Also, you’d probably come into contact with his ex, which depending on how things are, could be awkward at points. I wouldn’t say not to date a parent, but personally I wouldn’t seek it out.

There must be lots of single men out there who don’t want to have children at all.

mabelsgarden · 21/04/2019 09:26

@Sandrayeo

Yeah, putting 'I want a man with a bachelor degree and a white collar job' will definitely limit your options. Many men like this may not be looking for a 40 y.o. single mother; (even if the single mother is professional and well educated.)

Your wording is too picky IMO, and as a few posters have said, it sounds like you only want a man who is wealthy . I would change your wording as @Atalune suggested...

I think it’s all in the way you write your profile.....

Professional mum with 2 adorable kids, seeks similarly career driven guy. Kids would be a bonus. I like..:.. and .... and hope your share those interests too.

Although I have to agree with the posters saying that some men without a degree are just as intelligent and driven and successful. Don't limit your options, or, as many posters have said, be prepared to be waiting a long time for a 'suitable man.'

I read so many depressing articles on the web about 40+ women having less chance to get married than to be killed by terrorists...

Ignore this! What a terrible thing for someone to publish. Have they got facts and figures for this?!

Good luck!

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