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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - moving abroad and marriage

12 replies

Blahblahgetout · 20/04/2019 20:40

My BF has been posted abroad to the USA for 3 years on a military tour. We are on the verge of splitting up because I am refusing to go abroad and leave my career/ horses (my past time and something that I have invested a lot of time and money in over the years) and family as we are not married. I have said I would consider it if we were married but despite a 5 year relationship he said he is not ready for that commitment. I am not willing to do a LDR for over 3 years.

AIBU - it seems such a waste as our relationship has been great and despite tricky times I thought we were solid. I don’t want to issue an ultimatum but I feel like I have no choice (and that’s not how I ever wanted any proposal I might one day receive to be)

I guess he’s just not that into me. I’m feeling such a mug

OP posts:

MrsKrabbapple · 20/04/2019 20:47

For what it’s worth, I think you are doing the right thing. It’s a huge sacrifice for you to make. I’ve been a trailing spouse and my husband’s life was practically the same while I had to make a life for myself.

DameSylvieKrin · 20/04/2019 20:49

Good for you. If you split up over this it wasn’t meant to be.

IceRebel · 20/04/2019 20:49

Would you even be allowed to go with him if not married? Genuine question.

Although that aside if he doesn't want to marry after 5 years, I don't think he sees this relationship in the same way you do. I wouldn't want to leave my entire life behind, especially to move somewhere like the USA.

Original poster

Blahblahgetout · 20/04/2019 20:53

Thanks for the support. I feel such a mug. 2.5 years ago he said to me on holiday he would be proposing within the next 12-24 months - and I believed him!

He said to me that I should be able to accompany him on a non-working visa. So I’d be able to go out and twiddle my thumbs for 3 years as he’s already said he’s not ready for children yet.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 20/04/2019 20:53

It sounds like you have very different directions in life, and like neither of you are prepared to 'give' to the extent that it would take to make the relationship work in the longterm. And that's okay! Better to find that out now. . .

Absofrigginlootly · 20/04/2019 20:58

I’ve been the trailing spouse with my DH when we moved to the states for 3 years. We’d been together several decades and married for one plus had a baby at the time. In your situation no way would I go!!!!!!

I went on a spouses visa and couldn’t have worked but I was a SAHM anyway so it didn’t bother me. BUT I had the financial protection of marriage and we owned several houses back in the uk so I felt confident I had an “easy out” if I needed it.

He doesn’t sound that committed to you unfortunately for you to make such a huge sacrifice, sorry

IceRebel · 20/04/2019 21:02

He said to me that I should be able to accompany him on a non-working visa. So I’d be able to go out and twiddle my thumbs for 3 years

I didn't know you could get a 3 year VISA as just his girlfriend, I thought you had to be married, but I admit I don't know much about being unmarried and getting a VISA.

However, I do know I wouldn't go follow him just to be sat twiddling my thumbs for 3 years. You'd be far too reliant on him. No income of your own, no family, no support network, it would be terribly isolating.

Original poster

Blahblahgetout · 20/04/2019 21:09

Thank you everyone. It’s so relieving to hear that I’m not going mad for thinking what I was asking was reasonable.

I’m sure he’ll have a much better time without me

OP posts:

oneforthepain · 20/04/2019 21:21

I reckon the next three years of your life and beyond will be better without him too, frankly.

Lovebeingmama · 20/04/2019 21:35

So you are expected to give up everything for him but he isn’t prepared to make a marriage commitment to you. Ermmm! No!
I moved with my husband across to the Netherlands as a trailing spouse when I was pregnant. Its difficult, leaving behind friends and family, dealing with a new culture, building up a friend circle from scratch, giving up your job and putting your career on hold, losing financial independence.
There’s no way I would do this in your situation.

DantesInferno · 20/04/2019 21:41

i'd be excited to go somewhere new, but not on non-working, you need the safety net of marriage, why doesn't he want to get married if he sees you being together long term and wants you to go with him?

Original poster

Blahblahgetout · 21/04/2019 08:07

I guess he just not that into me honestly. He’s always been slow when it comes to making a decision (wether that is about a Christmas present or what next step to make with his career) and although I thought that he would see things from my side on this occasion, he hasn’t so it has come to this. I wish I had left months ago.

OP posts:

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