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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friendship loyalty

21 replies

Pondlife87 · 20/04/2019 19:54

So this is complicated so I apologise in advance.
Two years ago I had a big, drunken fall out with one of my best friends. Despite attempts to salvage the friendship it never was resolved.
Now this girl was introduced to my group of friends through me, but was never close to anyone, never saw anyone unless I was there, and never spoke to anyone outside of group social events. A lot of the girls have since admitted they never really liked her.
This ex friend of mine is a very manipulative and since we fell out has done a number of things to try and hurt me. Such as spreading utterly untrue, vicious rumours about things I have supposedly said to try and make me look like a bad person, to inviting my close friend (since school) over for dinner. My friend went and afterwards I spoke to her about it, explained it had upset me and i didn't see why she went as they weren't friends before, so couldn't she see she was being used now to hurt me. My friend agreed and said she had crossed a line, but this girl had been badgering her to see her and she ran out of excuses.
So this afternoon another friend of mine has sent me a photo showing that ALL of my friends went to a bbq at my ex best friends house yesterday and asked me what the fuck was going on? Am i right to be upset? I feel it is really disloyal because 1. They weren't ever friends before 2. They have said they don't like her 3. They know all the poison and hurt this girl has sent my way 4. They've previously admitted that they think a lot of what she does is a 'power play'. I don't understand what reason they have for going? I know i sound very high school, but I can't help how I feel and I just feel really let down.

OP posts:

girlwithadragontattoo · 20/04/2019 20:21

I understand how it must make you feel. If it's a power play take the power away. Walk away from the friendship group until they can show you some loyalty. They know whats going on so clearly aren't your friends. Worst case is you lose a group of 'friends', best case is you win the power play and rid yourself of a group of users

PaquitaVariation · 20/04/2019 20:38

They don’t value your friendship as much as you do theirs I’m afraid. Sounds like they think your all just one big group of friends now and there are no ‘besties’. Might be time to move on and work on some closer 1:1 friendships?

ChristmasFluff · 20/04/2019 21:38

The horrible truth is that these people were never your friends - not the sort of friends who deeply knew you, valued you and had your back. If they had been, they would not have done this to you.

The good news is, you now know this and can make new, real, friends.

I am not being glib. I have been there and am talking from experience

Snappedandfarted2019 · 20/04/2019 21:42

You’re group of friends aren’t friends they are two faced and by the sounds of it thrive on the drama.

Boom45 · 20/04/2019 21:51

Maybe they like her and just didn't want to tell you because you thought when they met with her it was all just to get back at you? If they haven't fallen out with her what's the problem with them going for a barbeque at hers?

ChicCroissant · 20/04/2019 22:12

OP, if you have previously approached anyone who has seen the friend you've fallen out with and told them that it is hurtful if they see her, it's not a surprise that they wouldn't tell you in advance because they want to avoid the questioning - they can see who they want.

They haven't fallen out with her - you have. The friend who sent the photo sounds a bit of a stirrer, tbh. You don't say that your friends no longer see you or meet up with yo so I assume you still see them, just not with the person you have fallen out with two years ago.

You have decided that if they see her, they are not being loyal to you - but they don't see it like that. They don't have to choose, they can see both of you.

Your friends haven't cut you off - don't cut them off for no reason.

HBStowe · 20/04/2019 22:17

I don’t think you are being fair, even though I do understand why you are hurt. But you’re the one who has fallen out with your ex friend, not them. You can’t expect your friends to cut her out just because you have fallen out with her. I think you just have to accept that she will be a part of their lives, but that doesn’t mean she has to be a part of yours.

Original poster

Pondlife87 · 20/04/2019 22:23

I thought I may get this mixed reaction so I'm none the wiser to if IBU.
I just want to clarify that the reason it is upsetting is because they weren't friends with her before, merely acquaintances. If they'd been close before I would totally understand, but it just seems weird they are only friends since the fall out. I know i can't tell people what to do though and I wouldn't dream of it. I guess my friend code is just different to theirs and I need to evaluate if this is the right friendship group for me.

OP posts:

ChicCroissant · 20/04/2019 22:30

Well I don't think going round for a BBQ makes them best mates for life! Why does it mean that to you?

Original poster

Pondlife87 · 20/04/2019 22:48

No, but i just don't understand the reasoning to go I guess. They aren't friends, and they know this girl has actively done a lot of stuff to try and hurt me (i haven't listed it all as it would have meant an even longer, waffly post). I wouldn't go to someone's party who was actively unkind to a close friend of mine, especially if I claimed to not like them. It is just weird to my personal values. I guess it's just different strokes for different folks. Potentially i am over sensitive though as well. It's just not something i would do.
All i can take from the thread, is that the variety of response shows that people process and think about things differently, and I can't expect them to see if from my POV. All I can do is evaluate how much this means to me and my values and beliefs.

OP posts:

Mwnci123 · 20/04/2019 23:40

I ended a long friendship over something similar. I wouldn't expect mutual friends to choose sides, but when there wasn't really a friendship with the other side to begin with it feels weird and disloyal to me.

Lizzie48 · 21/04/2019 00:41

It might feel weird to you, but it could simply be that they like you and also like her. As long as they continue to be good friends to you, it would be a shame to throw that away because you’re miffed that they’re friendly with an ex-friend that you’re not in contact with any more.

Life really is too short.

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord · 21/04/2019 00:56

I agree with Lizzie.

I totally, totally gets why this hurts you, but you don't have the right to dictate other people's friendships, and you can't call "dibs" on a friendship once you've left school.

COMPLETELY understand your situation, esp as your friends have seemed to agree with you.

But maybe they like her too (even if they don't trust her). Maybe they're just agreeing to be there for an easy life. And then there might be things like shared hobbies/living close/similar life styles or stages which might throw them together.

I've been in enough similar-ish situations to TOTALLY understand your use of the word "loyalty" in this case. But to ask for it in this circumstance is unreasonable. Very, very few people feel "loyal" in this sense. And even if they feel it, often social niceties mean they don't act on it.

The ONLY thing you can do here is be the bigger person. Life all the FB posts, and say to them "I hope you had a nice time" and grind your teeth in private.
The more 'ok' you seem, the more likely you are to do well out of this situation.

Having any kind of crying/hissy episode is not going to go well for you here.

Lemonsquinky · 21/04/2019 01:01

Maybe after they saw what she did to you, they want to keep on her good side?

QueenofallIsee · 21/04/2019 01:07

I understand OP, I was part of a group of 6 and one of them had an affair with my DP. When telling the rest, childish or not, I said ‘I am sorry to say it but I expect you to take sides - mine’ I cannot have her even on the periphery of my life. They all did but if they had not, I wouldn’t be able to be their friend anymore

Ihatehashtags · 21/04/2019 07:29

Yeah they are rubbish friends . They’re basically siding with another person over your friendship of years. It’s bullshit. I’ve been in this exact position . I’m civil but still not at all impressed with my so called friends.

Starrynights86 · 21/04/2019 07:40

People don’t like taking sides when they are not involved in the conflict. My ex cheated on me with a friend and it actually makes things worse when it’s a friend as people’s loyalties get even more divided and they just don’t want to be involved in the conflict. I’ve chosen not to be friends with some of my friends from that circle as they are friends with her still and I couldn’t cope with that but I do understand that at end of the day, she hadn’t done anything to them, and that if I hadn’t cut them off, they would also still have been happy to be friendly with me.

Original poster

Pondlife87 · 21/04/2019 14:35

Wow I can't believe that there are 'friends' out there that wouldn't take sides when another friend has an affair with your partner. That to me is despicable and not a person i would want in my life. I guess loyalty means different things to different people. In some cases you have to put others before yourself, and to me that is prime example!

OP posts:

SweatyUnderboob · 21/04/2019 15:28

Sorry you’ve had to experience this, I’ve been through similar. It is a good life lesson though.

A lot of it comes down to personal values. I see myself as quite principled and loyal and have few close friends, who I have no issues with.

I saw a saying recently “the wider the friendship circle, the faker the person”.

A few years ago I got really close to someone who had dozens of friends yet, in private they all had some shortfall. However, her social gatherings were always successful, on social media she is always busy doing one thing or another. She also muscled in on my own friends after we fell out, I’ve come to the conclusion that she likes to collect people and keep up appearances.

The fake life is not for me, but it is for some people. And that’s ok I guess.

SweatyUnderboob · 21/04/2019 15:30

I should also I also had to deal with issues with perceived loyalty in friends.

As much as it hurts, you can’t force people to be loyal. Doing that is a form of control, and who wants to be controlled. Let people draw their own conclusions, the real ones will stay.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 21/04/2019 15:41

Do actual grown ups really behave like this?

Surely people can socialise with whomever they want? I can’t imagine feeling aggrieved if one of my friends had dinner with an ‘ex’friend. Mind you I tend not to have ex friends, if I don’t want to hang out with people any more I just don’t. No drama.

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