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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know what I could have done differently here?

27 replies

BejamNostalgia · 20/04/2019 18:02

Been at a family attraction today with my family. During the time we were there a little boy, who was Asian, aged about two ended up standing near my husband crying badly and clinging on to his blankie, alone and clearly very distressed. DH and a lady from another table both came over and tried to comfort him and ask where his Mummy was, but he was too upset to tell them. There was an Asian lady sitting a few feet away looking at her phone but both DH and this other lady sort of assumed she wasn’t his Mum because she was well within sight and ear shot and was ignoring it. DH has said he was also a bit reluctant to assume the little boy was hers just because they were both Asian.

At this point I came over and the first thing I spotted was that in the pram next to the Asian lady on the phone was a little boy sleeping who was identical to the crying boy and covered in the same blanket, obviously his twin. So I took the crying boy across. The woman completely ignored us approaching (him still bawling his eyes out) and even when we were standing right in front of them she carried on looking at her phone. Eventually I asked if the little boy was with her and she looked up and gave me an absolutely filthy look, did a lot of sighing about putting her phone down and very grudgingly started comforting the little boy. She didn’t say a word to me or acknowledge me. I felt a little bit embarrassed because I thought she might be upset because she thought I was judging her so I made a comment about understanding how hard it is to keep track of twins that age because I have twins too and I made an effort to smile and be friendly and polite but again she didn’t acknowledge me beyond another filthy look. I wondered if perhaps there was a language barrier and left it at that.

Anyway, about ten minutes later more of her party came back from elsewhere on the site. There were another two ladies in the group, so she may not have been the twins’ mother, maybe an aunt or family friend, but she was definitely the only adult in the group present at the time and responsible for the two twins and they were definitely in the same party. As we left there’s sort of a tunnel you filter through to get into the car park. The phone woman was walking behind us and she started making very loud comments about how I was racist because I’d assumed the boy was with her, but...he was. I didn’t refer to her as his mother and I didn’t just take him over because they were both Asian. His twin was right next to her.

I just don’t understand what I could have done differently in this situation not to have upset her. Ignored a little boy crying?

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 20/04/2019 18:07

I think you just have to accept that some people are just rude , or oblivious or just don't care about their kids in the same way as most people would. Maybe she wasn't his mum and was irritated at being left to watch the kids. Either way you acted in his best interests and did all you could and she is the one with the problem.

Ewitsahooman · 20/04/2019 18:10

I wouldn't give it any more headspace, you did what you thought was best at the time and it's not like you'll ever see her again. There's nowt as strange as folk.

TokyoSushi · 20/04/2019 18:14

You did the right thing, she was ridiculous, don't give it any more thought.

Babooshkar · 20/04/2019 18:15

She sounds like an uppity toolbag.

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 18:17

I think she’s probably had a really crap day and was maybe lashing out from embarrassment re the racist comment

Chancewouldbeafinethlng · 20/04/2019 18:21

How would it be racist to assume an Asian child belongs to the only Asian adult in the area?!

You did the right thing. She should have been paying more attention

AlexaAmbidextra · 20/04/2019 18:22

I think she’s probably had a really crap day and was maybe lashing out from embarrassment re the racist comment

Some people are so much kinder than me. 😄. I think she was a rude, arrogant cow. A crap day doesn’t give you carte blanche to put a small child at risk.

Chloemol · 20/04/2019 18:24

You did the right thing, and whether she is the mother or not she should have been looking after the child. She was probably unhappy she has been caught not doing what she should have been

lljkk · 20/04/2019 18:26

2bh, it's hard to believe OP's story.
It's hardly shocker news that kids tend to look like parents & their siblings.
Anyway, if they are nut-jobs, hardly OP's fault. Y R U giving this headspace?

BlueMerchant · 20/04/2019 18:26

You did the right thing. I would have done exactly the same.
Very rude woman needs to learn some people skills.

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2019 18:28

I felt a little bit embarrassed because I thought she might be upset because she thought I was judging her so I made a comment about understanding how hard it is to keep track of twins that age because I have twins too and I made an effort to smile and be friendly and polite but again she didn’t acknowledge me beyond another filthy look.

Personally I wouldn't have given a shit if she was upset that I might be judging her.

She was leaving a kid in her care to bawl his eyes out, while she had her head stuck in a phone.

justthecat · 20/04/2019 18:30

If she’s happy to leave a small child that she knows upset and alone then I think that says enough about her character, you did the right thing

TheBigFatMermaid · 20/04/2019 18:35

Personally I wouldn't have given a shit if she was upset that I might be judging her.

Asian, English, Black or green, I could not give a toss. She has no right to judge you, she was allowing her young child to be distressed and wonder where she was when she was clearly within sight and earshot. She is in no position to judge anyone. I am judging her, right here, right now!

krustykittens · 20/04/2019 18:36

She's a rude, ignorant cow who chose to neglect a child in her care and didn't like that you knew it. Tough fucking shit. Don't give her anymore head space, OP. I do feel sorry for those kids, though, if she is the primary carer.

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 18:41

Thing is, there are a few ways to interpret the situations aren’t there? I’m not saying this is right (I wasn’t there) but OPs while first part of the post is about detailing how close the woman was to the child, yet ignored her. A few feet away. So the child wasn’t lost, and the child at least, knew where his carer was. He hadn’t returned to her, even though he presumably could. Maybe he was on some kind of improvised day out time out, obviously crying, and then a people return him to his mum with concernGrin bit embarrassing isn’t it? Maybe that’s why she reacted like that. She was clearly ignoring him, but he was within a few feet of her, perfectly able to approach her himself.

Cherrysoup · 20/04/2019 18:42

I would have absolutely fucking rounded on her and told her you knew he should be with her due to the blanket, twin thing and is she a fucking lunatic to ignore you and the sobbing child in favour of her phone and that she could stop making unfounded shitty comments. Stupid cow. I’m afraid race doesn’t have anything to do with people being idiots. 🤷‍♀️

JustTwoMoreSecs · 20/04/2019 18:48

Well yes Passthecherrycoke I also thought he might be in a time out, but that doesn’t explain the racism comment afterwards.

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 18:53

I meant the racism comments might be lashing out from embarrassment over the whole situation- absolutely NO fault of the OP who just walked into it but it must’ve been a bit humiliating for the woman. And people often lash out in anger, especially after having some time to stew on it

miaCara · 20/04/2019 19:03

I think she was just a friend of the family and had been asked to keep and eye on the twins while mum and auntie popped to the shop or wherever. The crying child didnt go to her because she wasnt Mum or family so was 'lost as far as he was concerned.
She was probably doing a really good job of ignoring the crying so she didnt have to deal with the tears and snot and you lumped him on her - how very dare you OP.
She sounds like a right madam and playing the racist card is so immature . Maybe she overheard you and DH talking about it?
Whatever .I wouldnt give it any more of your time. The child was back with the family eventually and you did the right thing.

HBStowe · 20/04/2019 19:37

Some people are just fucking rude. I think you did the right thing and the only thing you could do.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/04/2019 19:40

I would either have turned round and corrected her on how I figured out who the abandoned child’s family were or started talking very loudly about how some people shouldn’t be allowed to have children!!! What a cow she was

lboogy · 20/04/2019 20:05

She sounds like and idiot. You did the right thing. Don't think about her anymore. Sometimes people are just horrible

Bbang · 20/04/2019 20:12

My OH is Asian,Chinese for that matter. If there was a lost Asian child and he was the only Asian man/family and someone asked him/us I’d think it very normal and just logical in all honesty and so would he (I’ve just asked him). That’s just connecting the dots surely, can’t see how it’s racist at all.

BejamNostalgia · 21/04/2019 00:03

Thanks all, made me feel better!

DH spoke to his DBro who was with us earlier this evening and he said he saw the family elsewhere in the park and he thinks she was actually an older sister. So still rude but perhaps that explains it, stroppy teenager cross she had to deal with her brother.

OP posts:
Dieu · 21/04/2019 01:46

She's a silly, rude cow.