Sorry to hear you're feeling awful, Yoko&Hiro. I have struggled with quite a heavy depression for the last couple of years, never ending infections, a violent incident, had one date & then got harassed & threatened by the bloke/Police involvement, not long before had bereavement involving suicide, split up with partner, & it ended badly with threats, fear, leaving home town to move somewhere I don't know anyone in order to feel safe. Mates lost in process too.
I was then caring for parent with terminal illness to the end, no one to support me at funeral, & I've only been out/met up with a work mate friend/socialized once in the last 8 months.
I'm very isolated & long for some friends or company.
What changed my own pity party, which I felt entitled to, I'll admit! Was going to a support group & hearing/witnessing the horrors that people go through every day. One had just lost their Mum to suicide.
At the meeting, people made themselves totally vulnerable & there was lots of upset & despair, even.
But there was an invisible wave of support flowing between people.
I cried for my own losses, my beloved parent in particular, seeing his pain, & all the horrors of the last few years.
I also cried for their losses of these folk I'd never met before.
some people may appear to be 'living wonderful lives'. And some of course are. But I was able to truly understand the pain that many are going through. I stopped seeing myself as any different, & I felt united in the struggle of all of us.
Please take (what may seem counter intuitive) strength from finding we all have truly experience awful things at times, & you are not alone in that. Take care, I really hope & wish for you that life will get better.