Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Friend bringing adult son for birthday lunch

48 replies

Polly345 · 20/04/2019 14:14

Ages ago I was chatting with my friend and we decided to go for lunch next week as I won't be home on my birthday. A few days ago she phoned and said she was bringing her son (age 23). It doesn't sound too bad but I haven't seen the son in a couple of years and I just feel it will be a little bit awkward. I feel selfish for thinking I would have just liked to go shopping and lunch with my friend.
I will go as not to upset/offend my friend but it doesn't feel like the day out we had planned.

OP posts:

yearinyearout · 20/04/2019 15:04

I think it depends if you know the son well or not. I have friends that have known my adult dc since birth, and wouldn't bat an eyelid if they joined us for lunch (they would be delighted to see them in fact). However I have other friends who hardly know them and to bring them along to lunch would be odd.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 20/04/2019 15:05

My now ex bf invited her adult ds to the start of my hen do!!
Yanbu to cancel.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 20/04/2019 15:06

Well, technically she is and isn't child free. He's not a child, but he's still her child. And referring to being 'child-free' in a postponement text indicates how the OP views him, not as an equal or a friend, but as a hanger-on.

JudyDenchsBloomers · 20/04/2019 15:06

I think it's rude when people announce they're bringing another to an event that is important to you, ie your birthday. Ask, before inviting the third party.

You are NBU to feel put out by this.

Squigglesworth · 20/04/2019 15:08

At 23, he's an adult, and it's strange (and bad manners) to just announce that you're bringing another person along to a pre-arranged meal/day out. She should've at least asked, though that wouldn't have been much better, as you'd have been put on the spot.

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2019 15:09

I don't think it matters how well you know the children.

That wasn't the original arrangement, it's not what the OP wants (and it's her birthday) and she wasn't consulted.

Rude.

DameDoom · 20/04/2019 15:12

Shades of Timothy off 'Sorry' here. Quite bizarre.

KC225 · 20/04/2019 15:13

Does seem odd that she would invite him to your birthday lunch. Is he moping around back at hone and she us trying to get him out? Are you well connected and can get him a job/work placement or knows a man/woman who can? I would go with the text above about postponing when you are child free.

Grumpelstilskin · 20/04/2019 15:15

I'd be really pissed off if a friend did that to me. That is your birthday outing.

Catinthetwat · 20/04/2019 15:17

It's not odd for him to join you, wow I can't tell if it's agest, sexist or both!

But anyway, the problem is your friend inviting someone else without checking, especially as it's your birthday lunch.

I would go along and suggest a second meet up in the near future, for just the two of you. Using the phrase 'just the two of us'.

HennyPennyHorror · 20/04/2019 15:19

Definitely cancel. It's a weird thing to do. What's the reason he's coming?

I'd just be honest and say "I'd prefer it was just you and I so we can catch up properly....maybe there'd be a better time?"

The only reason I can think that she'd bring him is that he's depressed or ill and she wants to cheer him up.

flowery · 20/04/2019 15:20

You’re not being selfish, but even if you were, it’s your birthday lunch therefore you are allowed to be ‘selfish’ and don’t have to suck it up if people randomly announce they are bringing someone else with them for no apparent reason.

JuniorAsparagus · 20/04/2019 15:22

Would you feel the same if it was her 23 year old daughter?

DameDoom · 20/04/2019 15:31

JuniorAsparagus I would if she wasn't in the beloved niece/god daughter zone.
A couple we know brought their 19 year old daughter with them when we invited them round for dinner. We had invited them only and they swept in with a 'you don't mind if dd joins us?'
In retrospect, she was better company than them and I am a massive over-caterer but it could have been awkward.

FriarTuck · 20/04/2019 15:31

I find it annoying when people invite extras along for almost anything, to be honest. In this case it would change the dynamic and I would cancel.
This ^^.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/04/2019 15:41

Honestly, I'd just cancel. I think it's bloody strange that she's bringing her son with her. My DS is 20, I just can't imagine him coming to lunch with me in these circumstances. It would restrict what we would talk about, and I don't think he'd want to be there either!

bridgetreilly · 20/04/2019 15:49

I would reply and say 'Oh, of course you want to have lunch with him. Don't worry, we can make another date for my birthday meal.'

GabsAlot · 20/04/2019 15:59

id go with bridgets message straight to it without being rude

i know someone wh does this but with a younger child school age-of course its fine to bring kids if others are but not when its someone elses birthday or special occasion

senbei · 20/04/2019 15:59

I find it annoying when people invite extras along for almost anything, to be honest. In this case it would change the dynamic and I would cancel.

This exactly. When I arrange to have lunch with 1/2/3 people, I expect 1/2/3 people respectively to turn up. But then again, I'm not one to subscribe to that "the more the merrier" philosophy so I do admit that it might just be me.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 20/04/2019 16:23

Meh. Not really a birthday lunch is it. It's not on your birthday. When you're little even up to say 18 you can spread it out a bit but adult - the day itself is hopefully a special one not have loads of other designated hooplas. It's not what you were imagining but that makes it different - could even be better - but not wrong. Imo. See it as a chance to spend time with people you don't usually see.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 20/04/2019 16:25

You can always split up for the shopping. I definitely can't imagine him wanting to shop with you!!

DameDoom · 28/04/2019 17:52

Polly345 did you meet up for your birthday lunch and did the son come with? I have been wondering about this all week.

Original poster

Polly345 · 10/05/2019 18:04

In the end he didn't come to the lunch. A similar thing happened shortly after when another friend said her 16 year old daughter wanted to come along. Fortunately she changed her mind at the last minute!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2