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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say to ex and girlfriend...

8 replies

CanILeavenowplease · 20/04/2019 12:50

....seriously?

Background: ex is a liar, cheat etc. Divorced over 10 years. Has regular contact but no maintenance paid. Every school trip, uniform, lunch, haircut, pair of shoes...paid for by me. Every holiday they have had was with me. He rarely does anything with them, refuses to take them to parties or activities, so every museum, theatre, park, stateley home trip, round of crazy golf with me, paid for by me. I have endeavoured to give them experiences and a good life generally and I expect them to do chores, tidy up etc. at home. I work full time, part time and seasonally to fund it all. I also care for a very ill parent.

Latest girlfriend been around a good number of years but in the last 12 months has delighted in slagging me off at every opportunity. Not really sure how/why the change. For context, she has never met me. I am not a difficult ex, I am entirely self sufficient and never ask the ex for anything. By contrast, she doesn't work and seems entirely dependent on my ex since she has fallen out with her family (who used to employ her). Things came to a head late last year when her behaviour was so awful, my ex had no choice but to act and end the relationship. However she has hung around and it is clear to me that although they stopped living together, they are still seeing each other.

My eldest (16), has just returned from a few days there and said they sat him down, ostensibly for her to apologise. What in actual fact seems to have happened is a half hour rant about what a terrible mother I am, how they haven’t had the childhood she believes they deserve and how she only slags me off because she is so frustrated. My ex backed her up and actually said that my not having a new partner had denied them the experience of a proper family life and that was unacceptable. So all in, the apology was all about me, someone she has never met and someone he walked away from 10 years ago.

AIBU to say what the actual fuck?!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 20/04/2019 12:55

Then I’d be prepping the 16 year old to respond with ‘Yeah, I’d have had a more normal childhood had you ever paid for anything, dad’ but I’m a bitch.

You need words with the ex, he cannot allow his girlfriend issues to impact on your child. Why is she ranting and allowed to rant? Wtf is your ex thinking? He’s got a massive cheek given his lack of maintenance. Go straight to the cms. Stop fucking about with allowing him to get away with not paying.

CanILeavenowplease · 20/04/2019 12:59

Why would you assume the case isn’t with the CMS and I’m allowing him not to pay? The case has been with them since 3 months in. I have reported his obvious shenanigans to the HMRC more than once. Nothing changes.

OP posts:
ScreamScreamIceCream · 20/04/2019 13:02

You need to tell and teach your 16 year old when adults are rude like that they are allowed to get up, say something appropriate and walk out. It doesn't matter whether the adult is a relation or not.

In this case it should be "I am not sitting here yo listen to you slag off my mother"

isseywithcats · 20/04/2019 13:05

At the end of the day your children will see that as a parent you were the one who did all the stuff that needed doing as they have grown up , and shes trying to put you down because shes insecure so she is projecting, and your love life or non love life is fuck all to do with either of them, you sound like a super mom shes the one with problems, my partners ex sends us weird notes through the post and slags me off rotten, despite the fact they split 14 years ago, i just laugh and say ooh loony tunes is on a rant again, and ive never met her either as she lives about 100 miles away

slipperywhensparticus · 20/04/2019 13:06

Yanbu what the fuck do they think you should be doing?

If I were your 16 year old I wouldn't be bothered with him anymore my dd at age 15 told her absent and non paying father to moderate his tone with her when he tried blaming me for him not seeing her she pointed out the obvious ie you dont pay my mom does she looks after me and we didn't move for 8 years after we left he never tried then they said your mom has skellingtons in her closet we could change your mind about her the response she gave was an education in English

Bambamber · 20/04/2019 13:11

Your children will know the truth and It will cause a rift between them and your children.

It is out of order, but all you can do is be there for your children and allow them to discuss it with you if they so wish. The fact your child came home and told you says a lot in my opinion.

I wonder if there is some bitterness on their behalf that you have provided all you did and can perhaps sense your relationship is better with the children than theirs. Pair of self absorbed knobs

CanILeavenowplease · 20/04/2019 13:12

Scream. He did try and stick up for me - that lead to the ex’s rant about my single status somehow depriving them of a ‘family’. Son knows that if I introduced a man into our household, the ex would go nuclear (and no, I don’t stay single for that reason). He has previously tried to walk away only to be told it’s bad manners and of course, that’s also pointed out as my fault. I can’t win. He has told his dad he won’t be going round anymore if she moves back in so no doubt that’ll be my fault as well!

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 20/04/2019 18:45

I have no idea why they think you being single means they cant be a family?

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