Help being assertive :-)

[ohdeartheregotheeggs]

I am trying to be more assertive and to stand up for myself a bit more.

I'm currently 7 months pregnant :-) (had a few losses so probably a bit over anxious for this baby and this is the furthest I've got!)

My problem is this. We see my ILs very infrequently, we have seen them once since Christmas. Mil announced I was huge, took dh to see the nursery she had built for the baby upstairs and left me sat in the living room like a pudding (I didn't actually realise what was going on until they'd left the room as I was seeing to my nephew). We have a terrible relationship but she seems to ignore this fact completely and I have posted on here about her before. I have been told to go nc or low contact.

Dh and I have discussed the fact that pils seem to think they will be very involved with baby and we are in agreement that this will all be on our terms.

I'm not trying to come across as the evil dil from hell here 🤦🏻‍♀️ Mil rarely speaks to dh and is openly rude to myself (think things like never inviting me to their home for Christmas but inviting dh, not talking to either of us on our wedding day as she was disappointed dh had chosen to marry me, calling me fat or just completely ignoring me). Mil also told everyone we were having a little girl before we got the chance which I thought was quite sad as my husband was very excited.

Anyway!

I am trying to slowly distance myself from them. I leave all communication to dh and all gifts etc to him (previously I would have done that but our wedding was the final straw for me). Dh replies to mil when she texts but that's about it. As I say we have seen them once since Christmas when we were visiting friends in their street so popped in.

However mil has started texting both dh and I. She will send a message to us both saying 'hi dhname and myname, how are you how is baby etc etc.' I have let dh reply to this. She now however is putting things like 'hi myname how is baby? Hi dhname how is work?' So I am finding it hard not to reply without looking openly rude?

I want dh to be able to still maintain the minimal contact he has, but I am not interested in increasing my contact with his mother as frankly I was getting to the point of needing to seek professional help in regards to how she makes me feel. I also want it to be clear that contact is not going to just increase because baby will be here.
Mil keeps saying about having baby, baby coming on holiday, baby coming for Christmas, her coming to stay after baby is born etc. It's like she wants to forget the past and ignore her poor behaviour towards me.

Any advice? Should I just keep ignoring her messages?

Sorry this is so rambly I have had no sleep due to a very active baby 🤦🏻‍♀️

It doesn't help that people keep saying I need to accept that things will change now baby is coming and that she is just an excited grandparent. I feel like she lost that right when she behaved so poorly towards the two of us and still to this day shows no respect for me.

I would be open to building up the communication after baby is born if things drastically changed but currently they have not.

Is that insane?

Imo you need to block her number. Let dh deal with her. You are under no obligation to 'share' your dd with her at all.
Leave her to her fantasy plans. No law says you have to go along with them.
Make sure you ebf for a good while and that will give you a concrete reason to keep attached to your dd anyway. No need to be outright nasty to her though I more than grasp telling her to off would be your fantasy!!

@Easterbunnynearlyhere I'm worried blocking her number would cause a lot of aggravation. I know that sounds ridiculous. I've said to dh before when she does/expects things that I can't understand why she thinks we have the type of relationship where she can do that and he says he thinks she is either deluded and thinks we are closer than we are or that she just doesn't think at all. I think that's all an excuse for her tbh. For example, she has made the baby a nursery. We have not stayed at their house in about 6 years. I asked dh why on Earth she thinks we would leave baby there and he said he has no idea why she would but she clearly does.

My attitude to most of it is to let her crack on but I do think it will be an issue when our daughter is born.

My ultimate fantasy is to have nothing to do with any of them but then I feel awful as I think that is dhs family and even though they are crap they are his parents.

Well you could always bring it to a head and ask her why she's messaging you when she's always treated you with utter contempt.

Go for the throat, there might actually be a chance of clearing the air or getting rid completely.

Mind I called my ex SIL out once when she started ringing me all nice and sweet. She did a super human snarl/scream down the phone. It was really funny. But I'd put up with around 15 years of her being a cunt at that point. It was easy to go NC to this day after that.

Hi OP. Just to focus specifically on the assertive point have a quick research of the OK Corral. It sets out the differences between being passive or aggressive vs being assertive and might help you. You need to practice clearly setting out how you feel knowing it's okay and reasonable for you to do that and not allowing the other persons unreasonable behaviour to make you question your stance.

@gamerchick the snarl made me laugh! Haha

Dh is all for having a sit down conversation with them but I am not sure how it would actually play out. I would say that mil does not think there is an issue (other than maybe that we don't communicate much). When we got married she behaved appallingly and dh threatened to cut her off. This is the most confrontational their family has ever been (normally things of any meaning are just not discussed). Mil said she would apologise to me (and apologised to dh via phone). We went round to their house and I was full of hope that we would leave maybe not as friends but with a greater understanding of each other. Nothing was said. She behaved slightly better than before but no hint of any argument was mentioned. In hindsight we should have pulled her up on it but I was so taken aback and tbh I am not at all confrontational that we just left. I cried all the way home 🙈.

I think if we sat down to have a chat she would brush it all off as me/us being ridiculous or play the victim card.

Also is it harsher to sit them down before baby is born and outline that baby will not be staying there, they will not be coming to see us immediately after birth, and they will not be coming every weekend or is it better to let things play out naturally?

@veeboo thanks for this I will have a look :-) I worry that when mil is rude I shut down and that makes me look rude back? If that makes sense? My method atm is to just be very non communicative when we do see them, so for example, when mil took dh up to see her nursery and excluded me she then came back down and was chatting about all the things she has bought etc and I just said 'yes that sounds lovely but we have a lot already'. Then I thought that sounds very rude and ungrateful but it's mainly because I am bubbling away inside and want to cry rather than have to tolerate sitting in the room with this woman.

I honestly need to grow some balls and be a bit more confident in myself.

tbh I am not at all confrontational that we just left. I cried all the way home

So was I for a long time. People walked all over me, I put up with the worst kind of behaviour from family,/my ex/his family/friends. Until one day I didnt... It just got easier and easier after that.

When you stand up for yourself and draw that new firm boundary, people don't like it. They'll resist and create merry hell. Either they desert you because they don't like the person you are now or they accept you and the relationship changes to a more equal one. People owe it to themselves imo.

@gamerchick I'm hoping that's where I will get to. This baby has given me some oomph to stop just accepting everything and moaning but doing nothing which is why I'm trying to maintain low contact with ils and draw boundaries for myself. Dh thank fully agrees as I think he saw how badly I was being affected (I actually went to see a counsellor early on in the pregnancy as I had started getting palpitations when mil text me 😩). I'm hoping if I can draw clear boundaries that the relationship will improve for all of us and maybe my daughter will be able to have a decent relationship with her gps.

I think while they are pretty shitty ils they will adore our daughter and the more people who love her the better but they also have to be aware that this is our child and not their 'second go' (as mil has said 🙄)

If it helps OP, I found I became more assertive almost by accident once I stopped caring about what others thought of me. This caring of others' expectations came at the expense of my own needs and I realised that the people I was dealing with (parents, mostly) were caring about themselves and not me so I did the same. Not caring whether others get the arsehole about you is enormously liberating. I wish I'd stopped giving a shit years ago.

I would text to say “you are planning to keep up the same level of contact that you have currently and therefore there is need to text regularly for updates on work etc as that’s not something you’ve ever done before and are not planning on increasing it”
The good thing about the situation is that your dh seems to be on your side.
The first time you stand up to her will be difficult but the more you do it the more empowering it becomes and pretty soon you won’t take anyone’s crap

I agree with the others that trying to please or entertain them isn't something worth your while; you need to steel yourself to the fact that your MIL is a bit of a prick, and will remain a bit of a prick even when the baby arrives.

She's built a nursery in her home? That you weren't invited to see? She's an arsehole. Brace yourself to just say "nope, that doesn't work for me" over and over once baby arrives. Don't allow her to steamroller you into doing things her way, don't give her opportunity to come and stay or take over unless it absolutely suits you. This is your child, you and DH are the team here and whilst I love the role that my DC's Grandparents play in their lives, I also advocate strong boundaries with MILs like yours.

The trouble is that this woman is going to be in your life for a very long time. If you try to prevent her seeing your child at the beginning, you might find that instead of a joyous and peaceful event, the birth of your child will turn into a 3 ring circus.
If it was me, I would ask DH to speak to her, In private, and let her know that he doesn't appreciate the way she has treated you, that you want her to have a role in your child's life, but that if she is not respectful and does not toe the line HE will cease contact.
If any of this comes from you she will dismiss it. If it comes from her son, she might take notice.
If you give her a chance when your child arrives and she is disrespectful, then your DH can tell her where to get off.
You have enough going on without having to be assertive to her. Let your husband carry that particular burden. After all, his circus and definitely his monkeys.
Congratulations. I hope it works out

OP I think it's great you're recognising the need to stand up for yourself and that you want to do this for your baby. I think if its necessary you can take a step back from this relationship and still be assertive. For example by explaining how you're feeling e.g. 'when you do X it makes me feel Y. Is that your intention?' Or 'I'm not sure why you would say/do that MIL. it makes me feel uncomfortable' or 'I would like to find a way to improve this but if you carry on doing Z I feel the best way forward is for us to have some distance.'

You could also try acknowledging how shes feeling whilst pushing back e.g. 'you must really want to be involved with your grandchild. I'm really glad about that. This is my first baby and I want to do XYZ. I don't want to do A but wondered if you wanted to help me pick out B or tell me how you approached C?'

Thanks everyone :-) I am really trying it just doesn't come naturally to me and a lot of the time I worry I am being over sensitive. However even husband openly admits she is hostile towards me now (whereas before he would say she was just thoughtless!).

We have had a lot of chats about when baby is born and that I need him to be our gatekeeper kind of thing. I have made it clear that in my most vulnerable time I need him to be super aware and to be quick to pull his mum up on things if she steps out of line.

As a couple of you have said I think it does have to come from him as I got the blame for a lot of wedding things that I didn't even decide (he did!) as I was trying to tiptoe around mil. This is why I now automatically default to him. Yes definitely his monkeys his circus! 😂

I am feeling a lot of pressure from people to have them round ASAP after baby is born because it's 'their grandchild' etc but dh and I have decided to play it by ear and see how we feel :-) the last thing I will need straight after giving birth is anxiety over ils! I am very worried a drama will spoil my daughters first days and am adamant it will not happen :-)

@veeboo yes I think this is what I need to start doing :-) when she says things instead of just being upset/furious but not saying it I need to start pulling her up on it. For example when she saw me a few weeks ago (baring in mind she hasn't seen me since I was about 14 weeks) she said omg you are huge (sounds like nothing but she always comments on my weight). I need to say things back like 'wow thanks mil' so that it's obvious she's been a knob!

Sounds like a good plan...and it sounds like you're being quite assertive with your husband actually. Not not not excuse her behaviour at all it 'may' be that your MIL sees you becoming distant and even though that's her fault it makes her agitated and worse. Setting some clear boundaries of what you won't stand for but what she can be involved in will be good for you.