She's telling everyone I'm gay ...

[talia33]

I posted about a month ago about this so sorry if I've bored you already with this.
I'm 33 and always dated men,about 8 months ago I fell for a woman and we dated.
Now I'm also still attracted to men.
I told me close friend (starting to think she's a enemy ) anyway she told another mutual friend.
I told her not to tell anyone as I was confused and it was personal.
Anyway I got over that.
Last night I was out with my "close friend" and her friend (who I've met 3 times ) and she comes out whilst drunk with
I don't mind gay people
You love who you love
I know lots of gay people
Whatever makes people happy
She went on and on and on
So obviously she's told her
I'm really pissed off tbh
I feel like everyone know my business and I don't like it

Anyone aibu to be angry ?

Maybe the mistake was telling anyone at all if it was so personal you didn’t want anyone to know?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. She doesn’t need to do her mental “processing” about your sexuality in public - it sounds more like she was trying to cause a discussion to arise, one you wouldn’t want.

If I were you I’d have a private chat with her away from a bar etc, quietly tell her how it made you feel and how you’d like to handle your sexuality and discussions around it

It sounds like you live in a small town. I suppose that's why the likes of David Bowie would say they were bi, because people can handle that, otherwise it becomes like Leave or Remain... One side or the other.

Maybe tell your blabbermouth friend you're back on the straight and narrow or you were experimenting or something, doesn't have to be true, but makes it less definitive. I'm sure it will get around.

It seems like it's the unnecessary awkwardness of it all rather than the situation itself, I mean don't they even know any gay people? Do they think you're going to jump on them or something?

You're angry your secret wasn't kept, and that's understandable, but not the fault of anyone who was told by that person. It sounds like the friend of a friend was trying to be supportive, I take it she didn't know it was a secret? Or was it more like her being nosey/probing you with personal questions?

Are you still dating the woman? Do your parents etc know about it?

Maybe tell your blabbermouth friend you're back on the straight and narrow or you were experimenting or something, doesn't have to be true, but makes it less definitive. I'm sure it will get around.

Why would the OP want to do that?
Why do you feel the OP in any way needs to 'diminish' or 'explain' her experience?

@Talia33 - Tell your blabbermouth friend that your sexuality is not up for general discussion or other people's entertainment. If she doesn't apologise & back off, you could start on similar inanities like "straight people are ok - I know lots of straight people - straight people need love too" etc etc.

I don’t think it really matters what it was you told your friend to keep to herself. The fact is, she’s betrayed your confidence and blabbed to other people something you asked her to keep quiet about. That would really piss me off and indicate the person wasn’t a true friend. If one of my friends tells me something and asks me not to tell anyone, then I don’t and I expect the same from them.

YANBU to be very upset. I would have a frank discussion with your "friend" and if she isn't very contrite, end the friendship. And either way, I wouldn't trust her with anything you want to keep private from here on in.

My advice? Get new fucking friends! They sound shitty enough to be gossiping behind your back about you.

I had a friend who hated being pigeonholed into gay/bi/straight. She suddenly fell for a woman one day... so fucking what? It's the person she fell for, not the gender.

People who care about you will be more concerned about helping you through the confusion and making sense of your feelings, if that's what you want. They should not be more concerned with telling that juicy bit of gossip to your mutual friends.

The fact is, relationships and love don't come down to gender. If you fall for someone it's more than likely due to their personality and you don't have to put a name on that yet. You dont have to fall into a category just because it makes life easier for your mates to process.

They should be supporting you.

I'm sorry they've reacted this way and you need to make it clear to them it is not okay, in any way, to have done that. You should be able to trust them and you can't anymore.

Like I said above though, until you process your feelings, you DO NOT have to put a label on it. Take time, be happy, it will come to you. Find someone else who won't see your situation as a source of entertainment. Life is much happier when you find friends who love you just as you are 😊

I thought at mid 30s she would have more sense to know things told in confidence should be kept that way.

I only told her as I really needed someone to talk too.
God knows who else she's told.
There was no reason for her to tell the girl last night apart from her being a gossip

What a dickhead thing to say to you... she doesn’t “mind” gay people? Well isn’t she great I hope she’s sufficiently embarrassed this morning.

YANBU OP and I would be very annoyed with the “close” friend for telling all and sundry. Honestly I’m not sure I would want to be her friend at all anymore, you clearly can’t trust her. Your feelings and personal business came second to her need to share some “juicy gossip”. I’d back away from the friendship personally.

I would take a great big giant leap back from this "friend", you spoke to her in confidence about your confusion and she has just used that moment of vulnerability to gossip, she sounds horrendous.

When my nephew came out to me, I sat and listen to him say things out loud that he had internally thought would have him excluded from his family (traditional Irish catholic family). Nothing could be further from the truth, his family love him and adore his partner, we just want him to have a partner that is loving and kind to him, man or woman doesn't matter in the end. It broke my heart that my lovely nephew had felt so alone in coming to accept this part of himself.

I wish you every happiness with whoever you end up with

I don't even think I am "gay" I think I've just fallen for this woman.

I don't even think I am "gay" I think I've just fallen for this woman.

Sweetheart, that's what it means.

Maybe the mistake was telling anyone at all if it was so personal you didn’t want anyone to know?

I think most people expect to be able to tell close friends personal information without it being spread. I don’t only tell my close friends things that I would be happy for everyone to know.

Aw that's lovely... and your friend should have just listened.

Time to reassess the friendship, I think. You dont need this negativity in your life. You have every right to be pissed off.

Your friend shouldn't have blabbed, however the one who said those things to you sounds like she was trying to be supportive? She basically told you that she accepts your relationship and supports you albeit in a clumsy way. I assume at some point you will want to introduce your dp to your friends? At least this way it's been made a bit easier

@bridgetreilly how terribly condescending of you.
To a certain point, close-minded too.

I've had dalliances with a couple of women, though the majority of my dating life I have dated men. Does that make me gay?

No, it sodding doesn't. It makes me technically bisexual.
Additionally, since I haven't been on the dating scene for a few years and want to marry my partner (male) I don't consider myself to be either now or fit into any of those descriptions/orientation labels.

Don't confuse someone by putting labels on things that dont need labels.

you're bisexual.

I trust only a few with really personal things - mental health, family issues, love status. Sounds like she lost her inhibitions when drunk.

Thanks for the support, I'd really rather you didn't mention it in public or to anyone else.