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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with this friend?

20 replies

Serendipity09 · 20/04/2019 10:33

Been friends for 12 years, been through some really tough times together over the past couple of years and I really am fond of her as a person, but I'm not sure she actually thinks that much of me!

She has always been perpetually late for everything. Ranging from 15 mins (fine), to once turning up at adventure park 25 miles from home at 12.40 pm when we had arranged to meet at 10 am! My DC were only young so were ready to go home by the time she arrived!

Anyway, lately it's got worse. She is constantly asking me to do stuff/meet up and I always say yes as I really value her friendship and like her as a person, but then when I've said dates I can do she doesn't respond. She asked me two weeks ago if I'd like to go for dinner one evening and I said I would love to and could do any evening that week. Didn't hear anything back but the next weekend I had a similar message and replied the same. She then replied 3 days later and said she would struggle to do an evening but could we do morning coffee at the weekend? I said Saturday would be good but not Sunday as it's Easter. I planned my day around meeting her this morning but yet again I've had no reply. I called her at 10 am but no reply. The sad thing is I knew it wouldn't happen and I don't understand why she always asks but hardly ever sees it through. When we do eventually meet up she is lovely.

How would you deal with this?

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 20/04/2019 10:34

I wouldn’t make plans with her and would tell her why.
She’s not a friend, she’ll be using you to fill in when she’s got nothing else on.

YesItsMeIDontCare · 20/04/2019 10:38

Sounds to me like she's struggling. Anxiety, depression or fatigue come to mind.

Next time she contacts you to arrange something ask her why this happens. It'll give her the opportunity to open up if she wants to and give you the opportunity to decide whether or not it's something you can deal with.

Original poster
Serendipity09 · 20/04/2019 10:40

Yes, I did fear this response, just sad when I classed her as one of my closest friends. I'm a really laid back and accepting person but really have started to question things lately, especially when I told DH I was meeting her this morning and could he start his activity a bit later and he said 'there will be no need to, she won't turn up'.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 20/04/2019 10:40

Tell her she's a pain in the arse. You may not want to use those words but do be plain.

Never plan your day around her. Assume there is no plan unless she confirms one.

Never agree to meet anywhere you wouldn't enjoy alone. That way you can carry on without her if she doesn't turn up.

Never wait more than 15 mins. "You weren't here so I carried on without you."

Assume this is no a real friendship and you can't rely on her. She's someone you know whose company you enjoy when she can be arsed.

Original poster
Serendipity09 · 20/04/2019 10:41

Sorry, that was to 7yo. Yesitsme, yes we have been through losing mutually close people lately but thinking back, she's always been the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Serendipity09 · 20/04/2019 10:43

Display, that's definitely what I need to do.

OP posts:
AnnieMay100 · 20/04/2019 10:43

I have a friend like this I’ve stopped arranging to meet up with her and keep in touch by text. It’s a shame when it happens but you don’t deserve to be treated like that so sometimes it’s better to keep your distance and find better friends.

Original poster
Serendipity09 · 20/04/2019 10:49

Annie, sorry it's happened to you too, horrible isn't it

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 20/04/2019 10:51

I'm not very good at taking my own advice but I know thats what I should do Grin

redcarbluecar · 20/04/2019 10:51

This is inconsiderate behaviour, but to give her the benefit of the doubt...maybe she’s struggling to organise herself for some reason, and WANTS to see you but can’t sort out the arrangements properly. This doesn’t mean you should let her mess you around- it might be worth finding a way to tell her how you feel about the unreliability, and I certainly think you should lower your expectations of her- but I wouldn’t be thinking of entirely discarding a long term friend on the basis of what you’ve said here.

Original poster
Serendipity09 · 20/04/2019 10:54

No, I definitely don't want to lose contact with her, I would always be here if she needed me, but it is getting me down a little.
Next time she asks I think I'll nicely explain.

OP posts:
losingfaith · 20/04/2019 11:57

I've had this before. When I get a do you fancy meeting up text, I just say yes let me have details of when you're free... knowing I probably won't hear anything back until she sends another do you want to meet up text. It is a bit of a passive way to deal with it but it works for me as I don't need the hassle of a defensive debate.

FissionChips · 20/04/2019 12:06

Arrange to meet up with her and just don’t turn up, do it repeatedly. Treat her like she treats you.

Original poster
Serendipity09 · 20/04/2019 19:03

I couldn't do that Fission!
Well I got a text this afternoon saying 'let's meet up after Easter hols, so busy'.
Hmmm....I don't know, she doesn't work in the hols, kids are all older, still manages to see other friends...

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/04/2019 19:21

What does she say afterwards? Like if you texted her now and said what's the matter, you never turned up and I was waiting for an hour and calling you, what diea she say?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/04/2019 19:22

To be honest if she's going out seeing other people, and you never say anything about her behaviour, it sounds like she uses you as a back up, because she can

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/04/2019 19:25

And YANBU to be annoyed in the slightest. If there is some genuine reason she cant make it she should just tell you the truth (eg struggles with organisation) or not keep suggesting arrangements. Sounds like she thinks she wants to when she arranges it then cant be bothered at the time or waits for a better offer

StoneofDestiny · 20/04/2019 19:25

You are allowing her to treat you like a doormat. Stop allowing it if you want things to change. Not sure what you are getting out of this one sided 'friendship'.

TapasForTwo · 20/04/2019 19:36

So you text back "I'm busy too. Let's not make any arrangements to meet until you decide that you really do want to meet up"

Yabbers · 20/04/2019 20:18

Sounds to me like she's struggling. Anxiety, depression or fatigue come to mind

Sounds to me like she is a selfish twat.

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