To stop facilitating contact with DD and her father

[JasperSIn]

DD is 4. For the first two years of her life he was in regular contact, saw her a number of times a week, phoned everyday, regular dad, not brilliant not not awful.

He got a new partner when she was 2 and contact steadily declined. He was busy or working, constantly chopping and changing dates.

This year he has seen her 6 times. No overnight and 4 of those occasions were for around an hr, took her to the park and brought her home. One full day near her birthday and one full day when he had a family occasion.

He doesn’t want a regular schedule and won’t agree to one. Prefers to adhoc it as and when he has time. But he asks at very short notice and expects whatever plans we have to be dropped so he can have her for an hour. He doesn’t see a problem with texting today for example and asking to have her on Tuesday 12-2 (he knows she is in nursery all day Tuesday.

There’s no point in taking him to court, you can’t force someone to see their kid anymore than they want to.

Regarding phone contact. He bought DD an iPad when she was 3. His idea was that he would FaceTime and message her on that. Half the time it isn’t charged and the other half she misses the call and then I get a shitty message asking why she hasn’t answered. I don’t want a 4 year old having to take an iPad everywhere in case her dad decides to call her out of the blue.

He refuses to FaceTime my phone as she has an iPad. He won’t stick to regular times, I suggested he call at 6pm and I would make sure she had the iPad on. He stuck to it for two days and then didn’t call again for a week.

Up until two weeks ago I would regularly ask DD if she wanted to call her dad. If she said yes (about 50% of the time) I would let her call him. Two weeks ago I decided to stop asking her and just wait to see if she asked to call him. She hasn’t mentioned it once. This morning I got a shitty message from him asking why DD hasn’t called him in two weeks.

I want to text back and ask why he expects her to call him! She’s 4 ffs. And I also want to tell him I need two weeks notice if he’s going to ask to see her so we can arrange it. I don’t know if that’s unreasonable though!

The sporadic contact sounds awful for your daughter. But no doubt someone with more experience will be able to give advice.

She is use to now. When she was smaller she’d ask all the time when she was seeing him but she just accepts it now. It is awful but would it be worse not to see him at all? I don’t knlw

I grew up with a father who would turn up out of the blue or at short notice. He did it to show my mum he was still in charge and could do what he wanted. It wasn’t nice as a child not knowing when I would see him. If I were you I would be putting my foot down now and making clear that something more formal needs to be put in place. Not sure why you should be expected to manage his contact and be blamed when it doesn’t happen. Expecting a 4 yr old to call him? Sounds like an arse

Expecting me to facilitate her calling him!

He does sound a complete waste of space but if you can possibly cope with facilitating contact, however limited, I think you should. He might well drop out of her life anyway but I know from personal experience and from hearing from others in a similar position how important it is for kids to feel that their parent thought they were worth knowing. I got fed up of trying to make my son's dad take responsibility and cut contact and the impact on my son has been significant. That sense that he didn't matter has dogged him in his adult life. Maybe I couldn't have made a difference anyway but with hindsight I wish I'd put my own frustrations aside and tried harder.

Giving you notice when he wants to see her is totally reasonable. Expecting a 4 year old to be sitting in front of an iPad every night in case her dad decides to FaceTime is completely unreasonable! How about you draw up a schedule giving him as much access as possible? Set out when you will be in and your daughter will be “available”. If he wants access outwith those times he can do one. You have to organise your life around childcare so he can too. If he doesn’t show up on his days or at his times then that’s on him. He will know when he’s got a big occasion he wants to take her to, when he’s working, when he’s on holiday etc so he can plan and commit to seeing her. He probably won’t want to, but that’s up to him and his need to Be In Charge and not be dictated to Contact is about the child and your daughter needs consistency and if she’s used to not seeing him then I’m afraid she’ll probably just drop contact over the years and stop hoping she’ll see him. Very sad, but that’s down to him.

My mum always facilitated contact with our unreliable dad until we were old enough to do it ourself. She was always there for us when he didn't turn up or when we came home early because he'd been horrible to us. Now that we're adults my sister is fed up of him and doesn't speak to him at all. I see him as infrequently as I can get away with.
The point I'm trying to make is that if you do what you can she'll see him for what he is.

It would not be unreasonable of you to tell him that your daughter is only 4 and needs consistent, regular contact with him. Give him a list of dates that she will be available for contact and tell him he has to confirm all dates within 48 hours or you will open them up again for other arrangements. Tell him he is welcome to call her between xpm and xpm on three specific days and if he calls out with these times the chances are she will not be available.

If he grumbles suggest mediation.

If he doesn't engage with this then you would not be unreasonable to refuse to jump when he tells you too. He needs to understand that contact with his child is not for him...it's for her.

Does he pay maintenance? I'm wondering if his not wanting a set schedule is because he doesn't want to pay a set amount. If he does then he's just a bit crap really isn't he, you can't expect a child to facilitate contact, that's his job.

I wouldn’t facilitate contact when he make bugger all effort.

I arranged mediation - he didn’t turn up. £80 down the drain

He pays the CSA bottom line. Any arguments and he threatens not to pay it. Has never not paid though

I’ve suggested making dates at the beginning of the month for that month. He can’t because “he doesn’t know what his work will be like” he works for himself!

What a prick he sounds.

Message back and him you’ve been busy lately and it’s his responsibility to stay on top of it, not yours.

Tell him that you will agree to a schedule and make sure she is there to answer his call but she will not be calling him, and not outside the scheduled times. Keep firm!

And when he says "I don't know what my work will be like" you say, "well these are the days she can will be available and if you can't make it that's a shame. She won't be available any other days. Take care, Jasper"

If he actually cared he would be in mediation or court.

My only suggestion would be that you put a call forwarding on the iPad to your phone. But only if you’re feeling generous because you and everyone else is right - it’s not your responsibility to facilitate contact when he’s being a precious little bellend.

I think you need a schedule and if that a court one then so be it.

Firstly, it may get him to commit to seeing her more but also, it'll be less confusing for your DD and will be better for when she starts school.

You can’t take someone to court to make them see their child. I could say to him you won’t be seeing DD until you have a court order. Which he won’t do. And I want DD to see her dad. Which leaves us back at square one

Bloody hell.
I don't know if it's better for your dd to have this sparodic contact or not. Perhaps someone with concrete evidence will come along to advise.
I would not facilitate the iPad calling at all.
If he wants to speak to dd then it should be prearranged at set times, even if the days change each week.
Obviously this system is not a good one.
Ideally he should plan to see his dd and then arrange his work around that, like millions of other parents do.
Sorry I can't be more helpful.
I know everyone says maintain contact at all costs, but is that better for a child or is it better to cut someone from your life altogether.

He sounds like a complete bellend.

You will need to tell him (no doubt for the umpteenth time) that ad hoc does not work now that DD is a bit older (and it cannot possibly work once she is in school, but you might need to hold this line in reserve if he continues to attempt to be a dick for months to come).

Tell him that DD's iPad will be on every evening from 6-7 pm and he is welcome to call then. You will place calls if DD asks (consider adding that you do not know why she has stopped, but do not say that in any way that couid be used to make it your responsibility to instil the desire).

Also that she will be available at specified times and he can choose which of those times he actually uses (specify dates/times that are likely to be suitable and which will work for you). Tell him you'll consider different set-times, if he could propose what regular schedule wouid suit better (again, no need for him to use all, just set the times when he can; obviously nursery and idc school hours are never included)

Don't raise how to deal with variations (which real life will throw at both of you) if you can avoid it right now. Because he'll only use that as a thin end of wedge, or just cause to be difficult generally. The right answer wouid be exceptional or special occasions by negotiation, but as he has yet to show he can negotiate, you'll probably need to become a grey rock who only ever says 'That doesn't work for DD, her plans cannot be changed in such short notice as that is unfair on her'

You can’t take someone to court to make them see their child.

You can’t, but that’s not the point of the court order here. It would set out times and conditions for you making DD available though. Outside those times you don’t need to facilitate contact.

It takes some of the attempt to control you away and he can’t suddenly turn round and start blaming you for not facilitating contact.

You could do the same without a court order, but if you do that it would probably best to do it by e-mail so at least there’s evidence that you’ve tried to facilitate DD having contact with him and he hasn’t been bothered.

I was in very much the same situation as you 2-3 years ago. One of the last conversations with ExH was him complaining about how DS didn't contact him, it was so bizarre and I could see he was trying to move the blame from himself to DS. At the time I felt I couldn't vent my anger at exH because he'd have used it as an excuse to cut contact, as it was a short while later he decided he wouldn't/couldn't see DS anymore anyway.

I think the court order or email evidence of an agreement of contact is a good suggestion - you'll know where you stand, feel more in control and not be second guessing whether you're doing the right thing or should be doing more. In hindsight I wish I'd had something in writing because I've wasted a lot of time thinking 'what if I'd tried harder?'

It's baffling trying to understand why someone isn't attempting to be a good parent. We are told its best for children if they have access to both parents, but sadly we can't force the other parent to do the right thing and it isn't our responsibility either.

She starts school soon which will help. I’d say you’ll make sure the iPad is on and charged and she’s available from 6 for 15 mins a day if he wants to ring. You don’t have to have her waiting she can be watching the tv/playing. At the end of the 15 mins the iPad gets put to the side. Likewise tell him you won’t make plans for her for a set evening a week and Saturday morning. If he’s available he just has to let you know the evening before. If he doesn’t let you know or ask for a different date when she’s busy then simply say no. Block him on your phone. Get a £10 payg phone and let him strop into that while he gets used to things.

Is he thick? Who the fuck gives a 3 yr old an iPad and then expects to just FaceTime them at a drop of a hat, and then gets arsey when the 3yr old doesn't answer? He clearly knows nothing about his daughter... Or any 3yr olds for that matter. Most normal adults would see how stupid this is.

I'm sorry OP, he sounds like a bloody nightmare. I disagree that there's no point in going through court. I think that you should. Proper contact needs to be sorted out. If he doesn't stick to it then he's a dickhead but you've at least tried.

Why do you want her to see this waste of space? he's going to let her down in the future, I'd just let it gradually get dropped now rather than let her get more attached to him.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP! How can a man expect a 4 year old to facetime HIM? Put your foot down and either ask him to create a steady timetable of when he will see her, otherwise I would let it fizzle out.
as someone said he does not sound like a good father. I know from experience that have one brilliant parent is better than having one good and one shitty that will let you down. I'm sure she's happy she has a great mum, sounds like you are going a good job x

Tbh it is fizzling out, just very slowly.

I don’t have £220 spare to take him to court on the off chance he decides to turn up. I know what will happen, he’ll call and have a go, ask if he can see her, make arrangements for an hour in two weeks and then it all be back to normal again.

Summers coming up and he’ll have lots of other stuff to occupy him so hopefully we’re coming to the end.

I love that you are all bemused about the iPad. I have to be in the room the whole time or it’s just a constant stream of “DD turn the iPad around, DD I can’t see you, DD it’s pointing at the ceiling, DD your finger is over the lens”