to feel insulted by my friend?

[WhatAWomble]

Genuinely not sure if IABU.
Backstory is i've been friends with this woman since our kids were babies - so about 7 years. Met at a baby group and had a friend in common. Friend had PND, which I suggested at the time only to be sharply told I was 'catastrophising' by her. Didn't mention it again but was supportive in whichever way I could be. She has recently admitted she probably did have it. We've both had various struggles and become single mum's since then; her ex is around and she has family in the same town. My ex isn't and my sole family member lives miles away, so less support.

Recently we got together and I had said I was feeling emotionally delicate (mainly issues with money, low confidence, no job prospects and lack of direction). We met up, I made dinner and found things for kids to do. We had some wine and got chatting. She managed to say in the conversation that I always think of the worst option and go with it. I was a bit hurt tbh as it's not as if I am not trying and the reason I felt delicate was because it has been hard, not that I haven't even tried because it would be hard. However I brushed over it and acted fine because I do sometimes spiral with anxiety and thought she could have a point and tried to take it as advice/constructive criticism.

Anyway this last week she has been low and was messaging me that all she can think to do is drink. There was an issue with a man turning her down and stress in her workplace. I invited her over for dinner.

I cooked what I could in advance. She turned up 45mins late and barely apologised. She bought her kid, who she had said would be with her mum. I like him, but my daughter struggles a bit as they get on but have few shared interests. So that was kick No. 1. actually adding the late 1&2.

We sit in the sun and she has some of the wine I bought. She immediately asks how much I spent on it and calls me a 'cheapskate'. We are both single parents and my income is low as she well knows. I brush it off at the time but now see that as kick No.3.

We talk about her issues and try to put the world to rights. I go in and finish off the cooking, despite her saying they ate before they got here - kick No. 4 as I messaged her at 10am asking if what I was going to cook was OK. Had already left it half an hour past our usual dinner time as her son had said he wasn't hungry. It seems they were late because they ate en route in town .

I serve up and she immediately says "it's cold!" and insists on microwaving it. Had done rice for kids in advance but cauliflower rice for us as she is very concerned about her weight. Doing both meant the rice wasn't steaming but the chicken was... so of course I say "Oh no! Yes do microwave it, sorry!" - kids are tucking in regardless and it's fine for me. Maybe I'm just taking umbridge in hindsight but that was rude I thought, so K5.

She sits to eat and pushes it around her plate a bit. Suggests cauliflower rice isn't as nice as she had thought it might be. Leaves half of her chicken - K6. Kids polish it all off as do I.

We go back outside into the evening sun and do egg hunt for kids that I bought chocolates and eggs for. I bring out a choc egg from Aldi I got for myself for us to have while kids eat theirs. It was pretty grim tbh and I said "Ugh, sorry for the horrid chocolate, Aldi is usually pretty good but I can't eat it!" she then went on about how the kids had M&S mini wrapped eggs and I tried to feed her the rubbish Aldi chocolate! I had explained it was actually my egg for Easter, which I don't even usually do, but I wanted to share it with her... felt that was a bit rude too so K6.

We then talked about holidays we'd like to do with the kids and a mutual friend who lives abroad. Got the distinct impression she didn't want to make plans with us and she kept saying "we won't be as organised as you usually are you know, no advance planning or anything". Then tried to railroad me into going on holiday with her and her ex instead! I have spent 7 years listening to how horrid this man is and why she would want to go away with him is strange to me. I manage to wriggle out of it as I fear she merely wants me to bear witness to his odd parenting or to share the 'load'.
She then talks about her dream holiday - not likely to happen in next 5 years and v. expensive. I mentioned that the area is volitile atm and I personally would be a bit scared to go there. She immediately snapped at me "thanks for completely shutting down any hope I had for my ideal holiday situation with you incessant worst case scenario attitude. FGS!"
I was as it was pretty forceful and went quiet for a few seconds tried to explain I wasn't trying to be negative but she repeated the same over me. Kick 7. I changed the subject and we moved on.

She goes on to say I am basically ruled by my daughter and whatever she says goes. I am not a "shouty" parent like she is. I am very calm and only shout when I really need to. DD and I have a good relationship but recently she is being more defiant and I had confident it is challenging at times. This felt like she was using it against me and I said actually I do tell her off and cited something just this morning - she smirked at me and insisted that was "nothing" (K7). About 10 mins after this she declares her taxi is outside and they rush off! She hadn't event told me she had booked a taxi (thought she was being rude looking at her phone tbh!).

So, AIBU to feel that it was a bit of a shitshow, despite my efforts, and my friend has been U?

Yes, possibly not as often but she says that's because her garden is tiny and her DS likes our trampoline .

Oh and the India holiday was her pipe dream holiday that she didn't like me "catastrophising" about because I had heard something on the news a couple of weeks ago. I'd not go with her for a month but had considered a week camping. Not doing that now!

I think with friends you sometimes have to ask yourself what are they bringing to your life.

She clearly doesn’t understand/care what a friend needs when they are feeling delicate.

She was very rude and you certainly aren’t in the right place to deal with it at the moment. K1-6 were rude but if you were in a better place financially or emotionally you would probably deflected with banter. You must have come across (justifiably IMO) as a bit pissed off so she’s getting wound up a bit and when you get to k7 she just blows.

The dynamic between the two of you isn’t working at the moment, I feel she owes you an apology but you won’t get one. I would take a step back and let her make the next move.

Hope you’re feeling better soon and have confidence in yourself. It must be hard at the moment when you have to consider school hours and childcare with any job you can take, which as much as they try and make otherwise is so hard But you only have another 4 or 5 years of this being an issue. Maybe have a look at some training you could do so when the time comes you will be in a better position to find a role with interesting prospects.

I think with India she was upset at the idea of it not happening and made it your fault. She's using it as a form of mental escapism and you effectively cut that off for her. She's upset that you pointed out practicalities and didn't pretend that it was actually likely.

Maybe next time laugh and say "Yes, one day it would be great". If she presses, say "I don't think it's a good idea right now. I know, I know, you'll accuse me of being negative and dull, but there are a lot of practical reasons it just wouldn't work for me and DD." This puts her on the back foot and effectively calls her past behaviour out. Stand firm and laughingly say that you don't need to defend your opinion of what works best for you and DD because that is your expert topic, after all and if she berates your parenting calmly say (and keep saying) "I don't agree with you, but would prefer not to argue about it". If she persists after that, tell her she's being rude and that you're entitled to your opinion. she will be reeling from the resistance but if she's any sort of friend at all she'll realise she's treating you badly!

She’ll belittle your chocolate/wine so her ds can play on your trampoline 🙄

She doesn’t sound as though she likes you much and you don’t like her much back. I’d let this friendship die.

Obviously we’re only getting one side of things but she sounds ungrateful, selfish and just generally high maintenance. Sack her off.

It sounds like you irritate her and she irritates you.

Just back off, you have likely just outgrown each other. Sometimes friendships aren't sustainable in he long term, sounds like this is one of those.

Life is far too short to be miserable.

Thanks again for the responses to her. I think I wasn't expecting it tbh and was back-footed.

I agree we need a break from each other as we are both down and clearly i'm not feeling supported and in hindsight wasn't great with the India comment at supporting her. I have actually backed off from her a bit since last time but her depressed messages made me think she really wanted to have a nice night. She's not usually so open with her emotions as she had been this week, which is why I thought she really was very sad.

Oh OP, you sound like a nice friend. Your friend was very rude. If she is regularly like this, I would back way off and cool the friendship.

You do come across as a bit over-invested in what she thinks of you OP and it also sounds like you don't stand up for yourself. If my friend came out with that when I was hosting them, I would tell them straight out that I didn't appreciate being spoken to like that. If you want to continue the friendship and don't feel comfortable calling her out for being rude, perhaps you could work on being just a little bit more assertive or at least not humouring her behaviour when she is in this mood. You don't have to overhaul your whole personality! You don't need to be forceful or argumentative, it is just valuing yourself enough to knock certain behaviour on the head. My sister is very like you and struggles with this (she's too nice and quite sensitive!) and she finds having a few stock sentences in her head for when these sorts of situations arise helps her very much. Perhaps this is something you could try?

For example, she insults your wine/chocolate/food:
*Oh, well, I quite like it but I'll try and remember for next time that you don't
*You don't have to eat/drink it if you don't like it (smile)
*Oh I know, it's not my favourite either but its hard to find money for the luxuries when I'm providing for DD on my own

I do find it slightly ironic that she accused you of being negative but at the same time found fault with practically everything in your house

She sounds horrid and is belittling you as a way of control and to make herself feel better.

You sound very over sensitive and anxious.

She is not a good friend for you.

Stop allowing her to belittle you and move on. Friendships shouldn’t be this hard and neither of you are actually getting anything from the friendship other than her sons use of your trampoline.

You don’t need constantly positive and reassuring friends but you do need friends that don’t make you feel like shit!

Do you enjoy seeing her? Does she make you feel good about yourself? Do you feel happy when she's gone - not because she's gone, but because you have had a good time together?

I have had a friend who made me feel shit and l let the friendship go naturally by reducing contact.

I'd not realised but yet that is quite ironic with hindsight!

Yes to stock phrases. Although it does feel like hard work, it feels like I need to prepare for future to be on the safe side.

Yes I agree Jack - your last line sums it up well.

Thanks for all of the responses. Off to do the day!

At first I thought “why are you even friends?” but then I remembered that I have a friend who is a bit mean like that. She’s been very kind and caring at tough times in my life but equally she can be very dismissive and rude at other times. I’ve distanced myself from her and I feel a lot happier to be honest.

Sounds like you’re her personal whipping boy. If I were you I’d be busy the next time she tries to get together, and the next, until she gets the message.

I would always hope to come away from seeing friends feeling better, not worse. You just don't get on. She sounds prickly and critical. I don't want an 'honest' friend criticizing me at all, I want to enjoy myself and feel supported and validated by friends. I'd leave this now.

She sounds horrific I would get rid. This is not how a friend behaves, more like an enemy

Back burner for sure. She's dumping her negativity on you. Sounds like you don't need it. Keep away from people who make you feel bad

Do the day, op be busy if she contacts you suggesting you meet up though! Natural consequence of being mean, I reckon

For Gods sake don’t go on holiday with her! I can’t imagine anything worse. If you really want to remain friends with her, I would message her and tell her she was bloody rude last night. If not, just distance yourself. Otherwise the dynamic is that she can treat you how she likes and you put up with it

I wouldn’t bother with someone as rude and bitchy as that.

Be busy and unavailable every time she suggests meeting up. You need to make new friends because nobody needs such a rude bitch in their life!

I don’t agree with PPs that you’re over-sensitive, she was rude when you’d gone to some effort to feed her and bought wine. We all know that if you don’t like something you’re given to eat or drink at someone else’s house you’re still polite and say thank you, even if it’s not to your taste. And it doesn’t take a genius to work out that a single mum probably doesn’t have lots of spare cash to throw around on expensive bottles of wine. Turning up, eating, drinking then leaving early is also quite hurtful because it looks like she didn’t really want to be there.

OP get rid of her and focus on friends who appreciate you and who make you feel good.

Coming for dinner and eating en route and not telling you is very rude! Especially when you checked thr food would be ok. It's a pretty deliberate slight.

With everything else it does sound to me like she is trying to get at you. Criticising parenting styles isn't normal - most people would find that offensive. It sounds like she goes you then blames you for your reaction when you get upset. And you are allowed to have your own opinions on holidays!

Maybe you are a bit negative in how you phrase things and it winds her up but that's no excuse for being rude to you. It might give her less ammunition though if you're aware of it and phrase differently eg dont say you wouldn't go to x say your dream holiday is y instead

Some people are just like this, they latch onto someone they perceive as weaker so they can attack them. It seems to make them feel better to constantly find fault with their "friend". It's not nice and really exhausting. Be positive. She is probably jealous that your DD doesn't need shouting at and you have a great relationship and that you seem to manage really well with minimal support. Just distance yourself and if it happens again stop picking up the phone.

You sound lovely but no good will come from this person. Back away and stop talking to her on the phone. Ocassonal text messages only. She will bring you down to he level.