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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you knew it was over

21 replies

Gerty2019 · 19/04/2019 22:25

Name changed for this.

Just that really. With no violence, abuse etc. How did you know it was definitely over? Did one bring it up or did you both feel the same way?

OP posts:

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/04/2019 22:26

I realised if I moved out the only thing I would miss was my vegetable garden. It wasn't mutual.

HopeMatters · 19/04/2019 22:27

I knew when I was Christmas shopping and didn't want to buy him any gifts. The thought of waking up with the wrong person on Christmas Day was just awful.

I ended it about a week later; just came out while we were in the kitchen and I left about ten minutes later.

SimonJT · 19/04/2019 22:28

I wasn’t in love with him, without that you don’t have a relationship anymore.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 19/04/2019 22:31

When I found myself questioning if I loved him, and realised that told me the answer, and:

(Separate relationship) - when I would go for a run and spend the whole time thinking about how angry I was at him. And those negative thoughts were completely consuming me.

AnnieMay100 · 19/04/2019 22:31

We’d grown distant and barely spoke or crossed paths unless it involved our children. I realised I didn’t miss him when he wasn’t home anymore and it was clear his heart wasn’t in the marriage anymore either. Once that happens there’s no fixing it but it’s better to know straight away than years of a loveless miserable marriage trying to hold it together.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 19/04/2019 22:35

I beive just thinking it's over is the point.

If you think that then clearly something is missing.

funnylittlefloozie · 19/04/2019 22:35

I work in a prison. I realised i enjoyed being at work, with murderers, rapists and arsonists, more than i enjoyed being with him. I still love my job, but now i have a terrific new partner, and i enjoy being with him much, MUCH more.

AnneTwackie · 19/04/2019 22:38

When I just didn’t care anymore, that saying about ‘the opposite of love is not hate but indifference’ rang true for me and I knew I had to leave.

RubySlippers77 · 19/04/2019 22:39

Had a trial separation with my DH as we were fighting constantly and both needed some space. I thought perhaps the relationship was worth working on, and went to Relate by myself, as he refused to come.

Counsellor: "Do you think both of you are committed to giving this another chance and trying to get things to work?"
Me: "I think so, yes"
Counsellor: "Well I don't see him here"
Me:

We finalised the divorce about a year later...

gettingimpatient222 · 19/04/2019 22:41

I realised when we were put in a position that meant we needed to make a commitment - get a mortgage together. He didn't want to and had no other reason than 'he wasn't sure about the future'. We'd been together five years and I knew I was wasting my time on someone who would never commit.

Took another year to get rid of him but from that day I knew it was over.

WitsEnding · 19/04/2019 22:45

When the Relate counsellor had asked us to have a midweek date night (hour in the pub 100yards away) and he asked me if we could skip it because neither of us wanted to go

Sparklesocks · 19/04/2019 22:47

We were having a drink in a pub, he was telling a story which was a bit dull and I had zoned out.
I suddenly had this realisation out of nowhere that despite caring for him deeply, I wasn’t in love with him anymore. It wasn’t a big dramatic moment, no fanfare, no ill feeling, just a sad, quiet revelation. I realised I didn’t want to listen to these stories anymore.
I broke up with him a short while later. He was gutted at the time but years later admitted it was the best thing for both of us.

badgerread · 19/04/2019 22:50

I didn't miss him when we were apart. I wanted space more often than not. I didn't want sex anymore. He irritated me. I was happier on my own. It was no fault of his, I just knew it wasn't going anywhere and it wasn't fair on him...

LittleCandle · 19/04/2019 22:50

When he had admitted he was cheating, but refused to come home for a bullshit made up excuse that I knew wasn't true and then had the temerity to tell me a joke that one of the girls in the office had told him. (He was abroad and this was all via email).

I told him not to come back and packed his stuff into a bag for him. Once I got over the shock, it was a huge relief not to deal with him anymore.

Draculahhh · 19/04/2019 22:51

For me I just looked at him and felt a deep revulsion and I just knew that I couldnt stand one more second with him. I ended it the day after and never looked back.

Disappearedtothe80s · 19/04/2019 22:58

We were both miserable as sin.

We only did things together for the kids, avoided speaking at all costs, never any affection. Christmas was utterly awful for both of us, had to put on this happy facade for the kids and family from abroad.

We tried some counselling, come one grim February night and after another argument. I went to the pub and got completely hammered and snogged some stranger, it would have gone further if he didn't stop.

Told him it was over the next morning. We are both far happier and obviously manage to salvage something as we are still amicable, friendly etc with each other.

GabriellaMontez · 19/04/2019 23:16

When I started fantasizing About him cycling into the canal.

cantwait2bfree · 19/04/2019 23:27

When they’re going out and me thinking pls don’t ever come back?

LizB62A · 19/04/2019 23:35

When I couldn't find a birthday card for him which fitted how I felt. I suddenly realised I just couldn't buy one of the soppy love ones, so ended it.

wellhelloyou · 19/04/2019 23:52

It’s usually been the man leaving me (years of emotional abuse - had zero self confidence) so it was usually when they became very distant.

Now have a lot more confidence and found a wonderful husband

theoldtrout01876 · 20/04/2019 00:44

I used to shut the curtain when he was shoveling snow so I wouldnt see him if he had a heart attack in the driveway and pray hed die before i found him ( 40+ smoker with a family history) I knew it wasnt right but up until I had to stop him attacking my 7 year old son for refusing to wear his snow boots cos they were too tight ( early snow, I hadnt got round to buying that years size) just to go out to play, not cos he had to be someplace.
The day I had to grab him by the scruff of his shirt and swing him round before he reached my son was the day I told him it was over.
I had years of abuse in every form but he wasnt doing it to my son.
Id stayed cos I had 3 kids, in a foreign country and not a soul to help, no government assistance so totally alone. Thought Id managed to shield them. Wrong.
That day is still etched in my mind

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