AIBU to not want to do everything

[247mummsy]

I have a 6 year old (not DP), we have a 6 month old together and he has an 11 year old who comes half the holidays, every weds overnight and every other fri-sun. I’m on mat leave. My partner will not cook, he can and has done occasionally lovely meals in the past if his mum comes over or if it’s Valentine’s Day or something like that, but on the whole won’t cook because I’m at home all the time and he works (mon-fri). He won’t cook Saturday nights to give me a break, because ‘he works’, he didn’t offer to do any night feeds because ‘he works’, he won’t let me have a lay in on a weekend because ‘he works’ but he gets to have a lay in (unless I purposely take a playful baby in the bedroom and let her lean over and pull his hair). AIBU? Sometimes I need a lay in (a quick bf for the baby and him taking her downstairs while I go back to sleep for a bit) if she’s been up in the night or early morning. In the regression she was up 6-10 times a night, I was exhausted. Sometimes I don’t want to have to cook, and would like to think he could do it at least on a Saturday. On a Sunday he often goes to the pub to watch the football and I’m home cooking for when he gets in, even with a crying baby sometimes. I just think he’s quite selfish. Then it’s always well I bring in the money, or I’d rather be at home with the baby while you work. Yeah and not half as much would get done if you were at home DP!

Why is he such a selfish prick? You each get one lie in every weekend and he can bloody cook a meal too.

what was he like before you had the baby?

Sounds familiar, I have a stbxh and this is mostly due to the resentment this sort of behaviour caused. Spell it out now that this isn't acceptable or things will never improve

You both work. Outside of his hours where he works for pay, you should be splitting the labor of running your household and family. So yes, for every lazy morning he gets, you should get one. For chores and childcare, you can split each task 50-50 or assign specific tasks to each person, but you should both end up with similar amounts of leisure time. And no. You getting time in 5 or 10 minutes snatches over 7 days does not mean he gets a solid block of leisure time in exchange. You both get blocks of time.

What a prize winning son of a bitch! Lazy ass!

He doesn't see childcare as work. Are you planning bing on going back to work? Is he going to do 50pc of night wakings and cooking and housework then?

I'd have a conversation with him about free time. You are a partnership and both entitled to the same amount of free time. Looking after a young baby is not free time.

Also would you consider sharing paternity leave with him? If so take him at his word, say you can talk to work about returning at 9 months and he can do the last 3, and you expect all meals cooked, him to be on duty all night as well and have one day to yourself as you're bringing in the money.

Also you are looking after a you g baby. If you weren't that would be a grand a month or whatever in childcare. So you're also bringing in / saving the money (much more if you had to factor in night nanny fees and a cook)

Your post OP is EXACTLY why I left my selfish "but I go to work" Ex husband.
Best part about it is he HAS to do shit like cooking and cleaning now.
Tell your DH the 1950's are missing him.

YANBU. He needs to start pulling his weight. Childcare and house work should be 50/50 when he's not at work. I work full time in a demanding job and DH is a SAHP. We share everything. DS2 is 2 and still wakes most nights. DH does night times during the week but I tend to do Friday nights. I sometimes do Saturdays too. We try to alternate having a lie in at the weekend. I do 90% of the cooking and all the cleaning. He does 90% of the washing and ironing, mows the lawn, all the hoovering. We share bedtime routines.

I won't pretend it works amazingly all the time - he has a tendency to leave it all to me if I'm off work but I am much more vocal now if I think he's taking the piss. I had 10 years of us both working full time and him doing absolutely sod all around the house, so I'll be damned if he's going to get away with that now!

If I can work full time and do my fair share of everything, there's no reason your DP can't. How does he react if you spell it out for him? What would he expect you to do round the house if he was the SAHP? If I think my DH is being unreasonable I often ask him how he'd feel or what he'd do if the tables were turned. Would that work?

So when his 11 year old comes over I'm guessing you do the cooking too? What time does s/he come over..? Wondering if it's a time that's only do-able as you're at home.

He is lazy and entitled. I think men like this always show signs of who they really are but either love goggles blind the women who take them on, or women see the signs but think it'll change afer moving in together.

It never does change. This type of man is a burden who will leave you tired and drawn. He doesn't see childcare and domestics as his work - it's womans' work. As he's the breadwinner he selectively won't see how much you're contributing to the household either.

You can't even suggest getting a cleaner, someone in to do ironing etc as he will think why can't you do it?

Maybe you should bide your time a bit then go back to work. If you're both working and splitting childcare and he still doesn't pull his weight then at least you're in a better position regarding making a decision.

Are you going back to work? If so, what will happen then?

My view was when on maternity leave was that during the week I’d cook as I had more time and admittedly had time to myself when DD napped while at the weekend everything was joint so we both got a lie in and shared cooking and tidying up

I will be returning to work after a year. Yes I do all cooking etc when his son is here as that’s his time to be with him. I left my exh because he didn’t do anything at all, my DP made out this was terrible, but over the years his ‘help’ has got less and less to doing nothing to help now, we even got a dog just over a year ago as he wanted one and said he’d do everything for it, but of course I’m the one that does everything. He sits on the toilet for 20 mins every morning looking at his phone whilst I’ve let the dog out/fed, fed and changed baby, got drinks for us all, made the lunches etc. It al comes down to money with him and the lack that I’m contributing and the fact we wouldn’t have ... if he wasn’t bringing it all in, but I contribute what I can out of mat pay towards the mortgage and bills. I try and be Wonder Woman and I’m not really appreciated. Cooked a chilli last night as it was an easy dinner but apparently that wasn’t cooking!? He didn’t eat it anyway as he’d had a big lunch while he was at work.