Suspected arrangement

[purpleredblue]

I have a DS with my ex husband. DS is 2.5 the arrangement we currently have is ex has him for a full day approx 10 hours whilst I work (he is unable and unwilling to do any more than this due to work/family commitments)

Recently ex mentioned he might be starting to work ad hoc on his contact day with DS but would know in advance. He suggested leaving DS with his dm or other family for the day. Nothing more was said. It then came about that ex's family are moving 300 miles away this summer so if that happens he won't have anyone to leave DS with..... except his gf.

I have posted before about his girlfriend, sending me weird and abusive messages and the part ex played in it. I have suspicions that ex has started this ad hoc work and is leaving DS with his gf, so she is in charge of him and their baby they have together for god knows how long.

If I ask him about it he will straight up deny it - but the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable given the (recent) history with the girlfriend. AIBU? What do I do?

If ds is 2.5, can't you just ask him who looked after him? He probably won't be any use giving any sense of timescale, but should be able to let you know if it was daddy or someone else

@CastleCrasher that's what raised my suspicions. DS comes back saying 'daddy gone to work' etc when he never usually says that. And he kept saying the other child's name and the girlfriends name which he's never done before

Sorry forgot to put that ^^ in my op!

Surely you've every right (even legally?) to be 100% sure where your child is, and who with?

Unless you have solid grounds for thinking that the GF is a danger to DS then there’s nothing you can do.

EllenRipley nope. Thankfully. Can you imagine how many abusive men/ exes would use that to their advantage?

I would have no concrete proof but someone who clearly has a severe issue with me for some reason but can no longer get to me because I had to threaten police action and block her on every platform being left potentially all day unsupervised with my son who can't defend himself or speak up that well makes me nervous....

He's a pathological liar so can't trust anything he says.

They're moving in together in the summer and I've already suggested we find alternative contact arrangements as I don't feel comfortable my DS being around her all day every week and he didn't respond

Surely you've every right (even legally?) to be 100% sure where your child is, and who with?

No, sadly not. Counterintuitive, isn't it?

@pastabest heck I'd never thought of it that way.

But on the other hand, as@RubberTreePlant says, it's also counterintuitive because as the OP has discovered, that can be open to abuse too.
I have no helpful solutions OP, hopefully someone with more knowledge and experience of this will contribute. I guess at the very least you just have to make your feelings known and remain as vigilant and involved with the arrangements as possible.

@EllenRipley thank you. It's hard cause as I said he's a compulsive liar so he will just deny everything outright and try to make me look stupid/crazy but if it is true then he needs to be aware that I know and that it's not acceptable and toddlers can't and won't lie!

Good luck @purpleredblue ... it sounds like he's gaslighting you. What a horror. Maybe you can try get stronger, indisputable evidence? Keep standing up to him! X

Is this his custody day though? If so surely he can arrange whatever childcare he wants (as could you) and unless it’s unsafe or
Inappropriate there isn’t much you can do. The emotional side is really tough but not sure you can stop him

Legally in his time he can organise child care if need be.

Nothing is court ordered we did everything between ourselves when we split including what happens to our property, Maintenance and contact. As I said in my OP this is the way it's worked out and he works and is obviously with his gf and baby the rest of the time so won't do any more. I understand about it being 'his time' and all that but where childcare is concerned surely it should be an actual childcare professional/provider not just his girlfriend....

I think when they move in together I'm gonna have to sit down and speak to him about a new arrangement.... they are moving another 30/40 mins away from where they are now and I'm just not comfortable with the possibility of her being left with DS or DS spending so much time with her in general.

She only stopped harassing me because I blocked her and she is psychically unable to contact me not because she realises it was wrong/decided to stop... so she clearly has issues with me none of which I understand but obviously I don't know what my ex has been telling her

I would let him get on with the arrangements. If she is so awful she will be refusing to be free child care anyway. I had to accept my exh's gf had my ds's. She was actually better at it than exh anyway!! You have no control unfortunately. And a judge would tell you the same.