to expect XP to spend the *whole* weekend with dd?

[AbRoller]

We split up when dd was 1yo and she is now 7yo. Thankfully we are good friends and chat daily. He's a great Dad and dd adores him so I don't want to argue with him for something that may be petty but I'm starting to get very annoyed with him for bringing dd back early on the weekends she stays with him.

He lives an hour and half away and we meet half way every second Friday and Sunday. He works on the Friday so usually meet him around 4pm but on the Sunday he always wants to meet about 1-2pm.

He's just rang and asked if I can meet him today at 2pm as he wants to get back home (to the pub) to watch a football match. Once in a blue moon I wouldn't mind this but it's every time he has her and I feel bad for dd. It's not that I'm busy or have anything better to do. I spend most of the time sitting around waiting for her to come home and though it's only two nights away, I miss her terribly. It's that he only sees her FOUR days a month and I think he should spend as much time with her as possible after all he has 27 other days in the month to go to the pub.

I'd like to know what you think honestly. TIA

I'd be angry for your dd. Since you say you're good friends, can you sit down in a non confrontational way and spell out calmly to him that it's so little time already, your dd is feeling hurt etc that her days with him are curtailed. Even a white lie or 2, "dd really wants to do xyz with you soon on one of your weekends, but it's *miles away so you'd need to collect at x and drop her back at y o'clock". That sort of thing ?

Hi Tuppy, thanks for your post. I think that might be worth a try. I just didn't want to say anything until I had an idea if I was being silly or not. I don't have friends to talk it over with so just wanted to see the general opinion.

I should add that dd is always happy and upbeat when saying goodbye to him. She doesn't seem hurt so it's just me with an adult mind and opinions. Maybe if she's not affected by it I should just leave it?

I'm completely 50/50 right now.

We have dsd on alternate weekends. Dh never takes her back a second before he has to (actually tonight they're leaving 15 mins earlier as he has to go and do some teaching - but that's a rarity!).

He has the weekends when she isn't here to do the things he wants to without her.

I'd leave it if you are happy about it, but think about slippery slopes and all that...if it carries on, dd might begin to notice more, etc., plus tbh i do think it only fair that he basically should take his turn. I'm not in your position myself but a good friend and her h separated - they are now divorced - when her boys were 5 and 7. Whatever she thinks of her h, he is scrupulous about his time with the boys at weekends. As my friend is beginning to relax into her new situation, she now actually looks forward to the time to herself every other w/e, knowing the boys are safe. your time matters too, although dd is clearly the priority. It isn't respectful of you or of her really imo. Don't want to sound harsh, because your good relationship with xp is more than many have, but i do think a civilised chat would be woth it.

I think it is a slippery slope and it may be ok at the moment as it doesn't impact on your social life and your dd doesn't seem to notice but x is taking you for granted. If the agreement is until 4 I would speak to him about it now. Like you say he has lots of time without dd. You are not being unreasonable in my humble opinion.

Hi again, was out for the day with dd. Thank you both so much for your replies and advice. I didn't say anything today as dd was with us but I will arrange to meet him and talk about it soon. I feel a time may come when dd does notice it and it will be too late then to save her any hurt. Best to nip it in the bud.

Thanks again . Take care

YANBU. My DB and DSIL have split up; they have a three year old son. My DB collects my DN every Saturday to take him swimming or whatever and frankly, you can set the clock by his return. 2 hours on the dot - no more. He's apparently got a really busy social life; going to the pub, watching football etc that is clearly more important than spending time with his son....

YANBU. I am surprised he doesn't want to spend the extra time with her.

Agree its not worth getting into a fight with him over as the good relationship you have with him is much more important for your dd than the extra couple of hours but I think its important to talk about it now before you get to the point where its really p*ssing you off. Its your time to yourself and the fact you are doing nothing else isn't the point. Plus its important that she has this time with her dad. He has 26 weeks a year to watch the footie!!

hmmm, i might be inclined NOT to say anything. You were missing her anyway, she had probably started to miss you by sunday afternoon, you didnt have anything better to do and he wanted to watch the football. It was a win win all round.

If on the other hand you were out or busy on the sunday and it wasnt convienient for you to pick her up until 4, well that would be a different matter.

I think it's great that you have a good relationship with your ex, i would advice not to rock the boat unless it's an issue which is really affecting yours or your dd's life.

hi all, thanks for your replies.

Krispie, that's what I felt initially and to an extent, still do. I never mind from my point of view and dd is always happy at changeover so it wasn't anything brought on by upset. He rings sometimes feeling very down and saying he is a crap Dad and he has lets his girls down (he has another younger dd from a recently broken relationship) and I end up counselling(sp?) him and telling him he's great - he is when he is with her and talks to her every day but when, every fortnight, he rings to ask can he take her back early so that he can watch football, go to a party or whatever it just gets to me.

It's possible there's a lot more to it from my point of view. I have only recently found my biological father and though it feels great to finially have an identity, I feel sad that he didn't bother looking for me for all these years and I don't want dd to ever feel that something else is more important than her, especially not football!

I really appreciate the different views put forward and the advice from all of you. It helps to look at any situation from different angles before diving in head first.

Thank you
Abs

youre right, everyone's opinions are formed by consequences of their own lives. The fact that you have just recently found your biological dad will be having a huge emotional effect in all your other decisions atm (and rightly so).

I have my POV because I have a stepson who visits every 2nd weekend and we have just reached a comfortable, amicable stage in our relationship with dh's ex whereby we all know that we have to give and take. Split families are NEVER ideal and to run them like clockwork is not going to work. Of course some weekends we might have to drop him home early, other weekends she has to drop him off late, some weekends we have to swop due to either other commitments from our family OR his. As long as dss feels loved and wanted I think flexibility can only be a good thing.

You just need to watch that it IS give and take though - not all take from your ex. Maybe next time he does it, you could just say " oh sorry, im busy until 4 so I wont be able to come until then". If he reacts badly to this THEN i would say there is an issue but if he says "oh, OK, no problem" then I think there is nothing to worry about.

Not sure if ive explained myself very well, my 4 year old is winging in my ear about using the computer!

Good luck!

Agree with Krispie. You might want to start out by trying to say to him that you can't meet with him/daughter until 17.00 because you have plans until then.

He does not need to know what kind of plans. If you do not want to lie to him, then book yourself a spa treatment, hair appointment or something else.

See how it goes, and what his reply is going to be.

Hi Krispie and Maisemor. Those last two posts have decided for me. Definately the best route and TBH I could really do with doing something for myself. I'm constantly in 'mammy-mode'.

Thanks for all your help