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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unwanted hugs and kisses from lady at church

13 replies

lazarillo · 19/04/2019 17:09

I am definitely not against hugs. I like hugs, from friends and even people I don't know so well but am comfortable with. However there is a lady at church who won't leave me alone.

I understand that she's trying to be kind to me, that maybe she sees me as a kind of adoptive daughter, but I really don't want to spend time with her. She hasn't got my hints, and the last time I saw her she came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and then hugged and kissed me before I had a chance to react. I've been upset about it all before, but once I'd realised what had happened, this incident actually made me angry, because it was such a flagrant breach of my boundaries. I don't think she has any idea how I feel about her "relationship" with me. What can I do? How can I communicate that I don't want this, that I just want her to leave me alone? I don't want to be rude to her, but she definitely hasn't picked up on my body language or my attempts to avoid her. Help!

OP posts:

TheMaddHugger · 19/04/2019 17:12

can your Pastor/Priest/Minister help?

wigglypiggly · 19/04/2019 17:12

Tell her not to hug you anymore. Avoid being near her. Sit as far away from her as possible. Ask the Minister for advice.

Saucery · 19/04/2019 17:13

I had to say something to a colleague who did similar. She was lovely but a dreadful Toucher and Hugger. I just took a deep breath after one unwanted mauling and said “I really don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything but I don’t like to be hugged or people standing too close when I talk to them “. She was taken aback at the time but the next time I worked with her she had remembered and never did it again. There was never a funny atmosphere about it, I think she thought I didn’t mind and that’s why she had carried on.

TheMaddHugger · 19/04/2019 17:14

carry around a Potted Cacti ?

Sorry

Off to bed. 1/4 to 2 am. Night folks

CalmdownJanet · 19/04/2019 17:14

Can you not just say "Please don't do that, i'm really not a hugger" that's not rude but it is to the point

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2019 17:18

Some people don't get hints and they are clueless in reading discomfort in the people they're annoying. The only way is to tell her flat out you don't want to be hugged. Telling her that is NOT rude, so don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

OhTheRoses · 19/04/2019 17:23

Actually being hugged by people with whom I don't have a close personal relationship is something I gind uncomfortable. Please don't do it, I don't like it. Now can I get you a lovely cup of tea.

DH finds the Peace unbearable tbf.

Original poster

lazarillo · 19/04/2019 17:24

My problem is that I don't know how to word it because it's not that I don't like hugs in general and she's likely to see other people hugging me. For example on the same day as the incident that I'm referring to, another lady hugged me and I was happy to hug her back. The difference was that I felt comfortable with her and she asked for my permission before doing it, rather than just forcing it on me like the unwanted affection lady. So I can't really make blanket statements like "To be honest I don't really like hugs" because that's not true. I just don't like HER hugs...

OP posts:

theOtherPamAyres · 19/04/2019 17:33

This may sound silly.

When she touches or hugs you say "ouch" and start rubbing the "affected" area - your shoulders, arms, neck wherever. Explain if you have to:
Ouch -I'll be OK in a minute, it's an old injury;

Ouch, I don't know what happened there but it really hurts, like a cramp.

You have interrupted her and she won't be able to kiss you. She might also think twice about the touching and hugging you in future, because she doesn't want to hurt you.

The point is that she IS injurying you, by her unwanted physicality and intimacy. She doesn't see it, but it's there and it's as just as intrusive as cramp or shooting pains from a past injury.

Laiste · 19/04/2019 17:41

It's tricky if you're indulging in other hugging. I know just what you mean though.

I detest social awkwardness and will avoid it at all costs - so if this were me i'd spend the rest of my days forever looking out for her and making sure there was something or someone physically between her and me for the hello bit. So she couldn't get to me.

bridgetreilly · 19/04/2019 17:47

When she reaches out to hug you, take her hands and use them to hold her at a distance. Look her in the eye and have the conversation at that distance.

PigletJohn · 19/04/2019 18:06

reject.

Unwanted hugs and kisses from lady at church

Allfednonedead · 19/04/2019 18:37

‘Please don’t hug me, it makes me very uncomfortable’. That’s not a lie, and if she notices you hugging other people, she can jolly well work out that it’s abput her, not you!

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