To wonder how our adult children will see us?

[amandacarnet]

I know most of us do try our best with our kids. But do you ever worry how your adult kids will view you? Yes I know adults who respect and love their parents. But I know so many more who although they may love their parents, find them boring, irritating, annoying. And many who say they will never bring their kids up how they were brought up.
Most of those parents will have tried their best.
So do you ever worry how your kids will view you when they are adults?

I just think it is ironic that the things parents worry about like bottle feeding or breast, when to wean, toilet training, etc - I have never heard any adult complain about these choices their parents make. Which makes me wonder if we tend to naturally focus on the wrong things.

By that logic nothing you do before they're about 3 would matter because they don't remember it. Research has shown that is very far from the case.

If you parented guided by what they might think of it in the future you'd do so pretty erratically - and I still don't think you could have any more guarantees they'd be pleased with it than any other parent.

I think one of the slightly depressing things here is that the bad is always more memorable. If I think back on my early childhood - a very happy and stable one - almost all of my clear memories are times I was sad or embarrassed (being told off, another child being nasty, etc). But while those might be my active memories (because they stand out), the vague hazy sense of always having been loved and cared for has been much more formative in who I am as a person.

Mine are in their 30's and we couldn't be closer. They both tell me that I'm the best, etc, so I know it isn't just an illusion on my part.

I'd say that I was a very laid-back mother, unshockable and relaxed about everything. I always had their backs - anything that cropped up, I'd always go with " OK so what are we going to do about this ?" so it was always "us against the world" .

Looking back I'd say that this was the key - we were always a team, always united in the face of any problem, whether it was school hassles, friend dramas, or a teenaged pregnancy . Now that they are parents themselves, I make myself available for child care and anything else they need. It might seem a bit one sided at times, but it's always my pleasure . They make my world complete and to me, that's what life is all about.

I know adults who hate their mothers for working and others who massively admire them for it. Similarly I know people who are very grateful to their SAHMs and others who despise them for it. Some people who got smacked as children, left at home alone young, or any other practices that aren't in accordance with modern ones consider it child abuse, others defend their parents passionately and go down the 'it did me no harm' route. How your adult children perceive your parenting seems to be the result of a complex interaction between your personality and theirs

Exactly. When I look at my adult daughters and worry that some decision or action of mine might have formed any difficulties they might have, I try to remind myself that they were 'themselves' from the moment they were born. Their attitudes and personalities are very individual and I and my late husband probably didn't have anything like the influence we thought we might have.

My DC are grown and we now have a great relationship. They come to me for advice and are quite open and we have great chats.
But we did go through a stage particularly with our eldest where he did need to let things out. We were probably stricter on him and he carried resentment. I had no problem letting him clear the air and now we are very close.
They are all very honest and without being disrespectful they can say straight out if l am annoying them and we chat it through. We have some difficult times as a family and being open and honest together has helped.
They do use humour a lot to air things which helps.
Saying all that they are very independent and mostly off doing their own thing. I rarely make demands on them eg they all come for Christmas but if they had other plans it wouldn't worry me.
I am busy with my own life/ friends etc so not sitting waiting for them. They joke l have a busier social life than them.
I had a great relationship with my dm until teens, went through years of resentment and then acceptance. She would not have been able or ready to accept any clearing of the air so l had to let it go myself.

My DD is nearly 21, we have an extremely close relationship, however she is an only and I raised her as a lone parent so its only been ever 'us too'.

She knows I made some stupid mistakes (nothing major, just some misjudgment) but she has never held them against me, as she says she knew I never had it easy. She has always said how much she appreciated me for everything I did for her, despite growing up on the breadline and having far less opportunities than her peers.

I was determined to be utterly different from my own mother, uptight, strict and just not an affectionate mother. I have decided not to visit her this weekend because she has been a total, inconsiderate, rude PITA.

I have a glass half full daughter, and a glass half empty son. So I think I know how it’s going to go.

I think it’s more important how you behave with your adult children rather than how you treated your children when they were young. My DM has no boundaries and believes that she should parent my children and do the first milestone things with them. Everything is designed to trump me. Then she plays her children/grandchildren off against each other.

If she was melllow, relaxed and showed her love through smiles rather than grand gestures then I might like her a bit more.

How much your children like you is also only a very partial measure of your parenting - if they hate you then things probably didn't go brilliantly, but there are many different types of like and dislike, both healthy and unhealthy. The person I know who is most universally positive about one of her parents is a friend whose dad was and still is a pretty absent and sporadic parent. She's in her 30s now and she is still desperate for the little scraps of his attention he gives out, and is adamant that he's the world's best person and that vague other people have always conspired to prevent him from being the amazing involved father he desperately wanted to be (this is categorically untrue). Measured by how much she likes and speaks positively of him he's the best parent I know, but clearly he isn't, he's actually messed her up very deeply and badly.

My parents were pretty crap. They lived us but there was a lot of alcohol and DV in that house. My sister and I still loved them and visited regularly. DM now lives with DS
Im not worried about how our 3 DC see us.
I know we did our absolute best for them and we regularly asked for feedback!! I feel like raising them has been a lot of fun and we must have done something right as they have bounced back post uni.

I don't have adult children yet but I hope they view me the same way I view mine. They're supportive and loving and giving and they're just the best people I've been blessed with in my life

I always think about this! I am always picturing myself justifying my actions to my adult dc.