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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

IABU to want to work

20 replies

WorkingMule · 19/04/2019 15:06

NC for this.
Please help me see reason.
I have started to work full time recently. My DH wants me now to be SAHM and become a child minder. We have a 15 months old daughter.
When I was looking for work and I had an offer, we have talked about the financial situation and he said that he will help me with part of payment for the nursery(salary sacrifice amount). Based on that I have accepted my present job and I am suppose to remain and with some cash after nursery and some bills( in my name) to be paid.
DH pays for : mortgage & council tax and his motorbike insurance.I have to pay: fuel bills, water, car and house insurance + nursery(more than3 quarters of payment)
I know that I don't bring much cash in the house but I don't want to stay home and when I need money to ask him for it.
When I have been unemployed I was feeling that I'm at the edge of depression.
I love my daughter but I really don't fancy anyone else children.
Now the car needs a new part and he brought up again the subject that if I was staying home and be a child minder I was having more money than my present job.
Who is right?

OP posts:

MODGNIK · 19/04/2019 15:11

You are married- what is his is yours and visa versa

Open a joint account that you both pay into- stop this he pays for and I pay for rubbish. If you have to (and i wouldn't) keep an equal amount of personal money on your own accounts (so you both transfer in everything except £200 a month)

I earn £150k- when we had our second child our JOINT childcare bills were more than I earned- so we had less money as a family because I worked but longer term we have more money. You may reap the benefits in the long term if you work.

redexpat · 19/04/2019 15:41

Just point out that working now is a long term investment as youll get a better pension. You could also suggest that he stay home and be a cm. But as a pp said I really think you ought to look at how you run your finances as a couple.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2019 15:46

Always be very, very wary of a man who is keen for you to be SAHM. He wants a servant who is dependent on his goodwill. Dig your toes in and keep your job. Childminding is not, by the way, a soft option for the little woman: you would need to obtain qualifications and be inspected regularly - and not everyone is suited to it, whether or not they enjoy looking after their own small DC.

AnnieMay100 · 19/04/2019 15:49

Just because you’re married doesn’t mean he gets to control you, if you want to work then do it don’t ask his permission. You shouldn’t feel like you have to ask him for money or pay most of the bills, it’s family income and should be equal.

SoHotADragonRetired · 19/04/2019 15:52

He said he would help you with the cost of childcare???

Fucking hell. Red flags abound on this one.

How much are you both actually bringing in and paying out?

pointythings · 19/04/2019 15:53

Stay in the job and change your financial arrangement to one where there is a household pot both of you have access to. Do a budget, both pay in pro rata wrt to what each person is earning. You can keep your own accounts too - I'd recommend you do so, in fact - and ensure that you have equal spending money. You shouldn't have to ask your H for money.

Don't be a SAHM with this man.

Holidayshopping · 19/04/2019 15:54

He can’t just order you to be a childminder!

BlackPrism · 19/04/2019 15:57

... nursery is a mutual cost, unless he doesn't believe his daughter is his responsibility? Ridiculous

Why are you acting like your money and expenses are so separate? Are you in a marriage or a house share?

RussellSprout · 19/04/2019 15:59

Tell him to get to fuck. Seriously, who puts up with this shite?

Dreamingofkfc · 19/04/2019 16:02

It's not really as simple as just becoming a childminder - you have to be registered. I'm not sure of the process but I do think it takes time

Ultimately if you want to work, you have to say this to him. Plus have another chat about how the finance is split. Why is he only paying 1/4 of the fees?

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 19/04/2019 16:06

As pp have said open a joint account. Figure out ALL bills including mortgage and childcare and then what monthly payment needs to go in the joint to cover it all. Then figure out what you both earn after tax and make sure you both contribute to the joint account so you both have an equal amount leftover (so he may pay more if a higher earner?).

You're married, have a child. Everything should be equal financially.

ComedicCat · 19/04/2019 16:11

Don't become a childminder if you don't want to. A friend does it and it is not easy, she had to submit months of work/assignments to Ofsted and register, it's a long, expensive process. He doesn't sound like a good partner, verging on financially abusive and controlling.

Chickychoccyegg · 19/04/2019 16:13

Im a childminder, its bloody hard work, especially when your own dc are involved, the process for registering is fairly long, you need inspections, policies, training ect and need to working towards a childcare qualification if you dont already have one (this might not be everywhere, but is where i am) so its not an wasy option but does save money in childcare costs.
If you want to stay in your job, you need to work out a fairer way of splitting money and as already mentioned above, childcare costs are not only your responsibility, joint account, leaving equal amount each to spend is the fairest way.

BeansandRice · 19/04/2019 17:02

It's his child, right?

If s, and it's because he's concerned about the cost of childcare, suggest to him that he becomes a SAHD and takes on childminding as a job ...

If he protests, ask him why it's different?

He sounds like a bit of a selfish person. Never give up our job.

Original poster

WorkingMule · 19/04/2019 17:31

Thank you for all the support.
Yes, baby is his.
I will try to talk with him about joint expense account.
He things the nursery is mine expense because in the previous job I was paying it and I had left over monet. But that was in a different town and other living arrangement.

OP posts:

Original poster

WorkingMule · 19/04/2019 17:32

Yes, he earns almost double than me.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 19/04/2019 17:35

Hes being an muppet. We have 3 kids and daycare was more than my wage so dh paid the rest plus Bill's and we both had the same spending money as he recognised that short term expense would be offset by career progression and kids moving into school

NW2SW · 19/04/2019 17:36

Have you sat down together and actually done the sums? Is it simply ignorance on his behalf or something more controlling.

DonnaDarko · 19/04/2019 17:39

DP and I aren't married and we split the childcare costs right down the middle. To not do so would be ridiculous, in my opinion. We made the decision to be parents, we made the decision that we would both work, why would we need split childcare :/

I also don't think your finances sound very fair. Everything should be in one pot or you should split costs that results in you both having the same spare money once everything is paid off.

BeansandRice · 19/04/2019 17:41

You working is an insurance for the future: for a higher income coming in to the family, for a better pension for you, thus a better family income in the future.

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