Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To still feel like crap that I had my ddog PTS when my baby was 3mo

45 replies

HalyardHitch · 19/04/2019 14:29

When ds1 was 3 months old I had ddog put to sleep. He had cancer. He went to the vet with his first sign of ill health and was gone within five days. He had no hope, he was too poorly. He was only three.

I just feel like shit that it's a one in one out thing. DS came and I can't help but feel like I got rid of ddog. I've just read a thread that has brought up all of the horrible, conflicted feelings and I just feel sick.

Eldest is now 2. It's almost two years to the day we had ddog PTS as it was over Easter

OP posts:

Xenadog · 19/04/2019 14:54

OP, I totally understand you. I had to have my DDog PTS on Easter Monday 6 years ago. He’d been ill with cancer for about 8 months and the chemo stopped working. I was utterly devastated as he really was my soul mate. Then, the following Sunday I found out I was pregnant. I had never wanted a child and at the time I feel that an unwanted baby was a poor exchange for my ddog.

I still miss ddog but that was his time just as it was your dog’s time. Don’t feel guilty, remember you did the kindest thing possible and that was a true sign of love - you didn’t let your dog suffer.

Original poster

HalyardHitch · 19/04/2019 14:55

He couldn't have been rehomed. But we didn't know he was ill until Easter weekend and he was gone by the end of the week. The Thursday, I think.

I'm sensing that the reason you feel guilt over this is because you were possibly a bit worried that you wouldn't be able to cope with an unpredictable dog and your new baby; and then he got ill and suddenly he was gone.
^
This is exactly it.

OP posts:

HBStowe · 19/04/2019 15:01

Oh OP. You didn’t put your dog to sleep because of your baby. You saved him from an awful, painful decline. It’s a terrible decision to have to make but you absolutely did the right thing

scarbados · 19/04/2019 15:02

Giving a sick animal freedom from pain and suffering is the kindest and most loving thing an owner can do. It's also the hardest. Sending hugs to you xx

Nancydrawn · 19/04/2019 15:06

What I've learned over the years is that there's really no wrong way to feel, internally, about death.

Sometimes death is a relief. It doesn't mean that you don't love or didn't love. I had a great-aunt who died after three years of dementia. It was incredibly sad, and I missed her so much, but it was also a relief: for her, that she wasn't suffering anymore; for her family, that they didn't have to watch her in pain--but also, for her family, that they didn't have to worry anymore, about who was going to take care of her, about what would happen next, about the twice-daily visits to the nursing home.

You loved your dog. You were also worried about how he would be with the baby. You didn't have him pts because of this worry, you had him pts because he was ill and suffering and it was his time. But it's okay to feel a little relief that your worry isn't there anymore. It doesn't mean you didn't love your dog. It's just the reality of the situation.

And his death was certainly not some sort of cosmic punishment for having that worry in the first place.

Give yourself a break and realize that you did what he needed you to do, even though it was enormously hard to do.

Aimily · 19/04/2019 15:06

Please please please don't feel guilty!! You did everything right for your dog, he went out knowing he was loved and cared for!! To have to take the dog in and make that choice with a 3mo shows how much love you had for the dog, there are plenty of people who would look at their dog fuss him and say you'll be fine and go back to 3mo.
You did the best you could in that circumstance and I'm sure the vet would have given you all the options, so if pts was their only suggestion, it was the kindest and best thing for him.
Remember the good and the love.

Jaxhog · 19/04/2019 15:06

It's always sad to have to make this decision for a pet, especially such a young one. But if your Vet said it was the best thing to do for your DDog, then there is no reason to feel guilty. You couldn't have kept him suffering in pain, or rehoused him. You did the right thing.

Quartz2208 · 19/04/2019 15:10

Cancer isn’t something you can worry or wish onto someone human or pet. Your concerns about coping did not manifest it self in illness. Cancer is cruel malignant and relentless and nothing you did or could have done could have changed the horrible outcome

Original poster

HalyardHitch · 19/04/2019 15:18

It does feel particularly harsh that there was no "decision" to make. We were just told "you can do it tonight or tomorrow but I strongly suggest you choose to do it tonight." She was lovely but pretty adamant. I wonder what would have happened over night. We was declining so so quickly. Considering a week previous he was our usual happy, cheeky boy. The first clear sign was when he stopped eating over Easter weekend. He'd gone into renal failure by that point.

It just feels like cruel Karma for my worries.

That said, I probably wouldn't have my one year old if it wasn't for losing ddog - ds2 was conceived that same month (on a whim) he's probably the replacement for ddog

OP posts:

hannahbanana2007 · 19/04/2019 15:18

Ah OP, I know exactly how you feel, we had to have our dog PTS when my second baby was 5 days old. I had spent half of the pregnancy worrying about the logistics of how to manage 2 kids and a dog (but would never have rehomed) then when he got ill (his hips went so he couldn't walk/toilet/stopped eating) it just felt horrific The vet said though that it was the right thing to do and that it was part of being a responsible pet owner. You just have to remember the good times with them x

Cherrysoup · 19/04/2019 15:25

You have nothing to feel guilty about. We pts our lovely boy when we discovered he had spinal cancer. He fell over one day, mri the next, pts the next. I refused to let him suffer.

Bambamber · 19/04/2019 15:27

If the vet wanted to do it there and then and not wait until morning, it would be because it wouldn't have been in the dogs best interest.

I've held dying animals. Those that are being PTS, and those that are dying naturally (sometimes against the vets wishes). Being PTS is generally the kinder option, they can fall asleep and calmly and peacefully pass away. This isnt always the case with a natural death

ReadWriteDraw · 19/04/2019 15:28

You definitely did the right thing. It really hurts though. We had to put our 1 year old dog to sleep many years ago when she developed a neuromuscular degenerative condition. We had her up at The Royal Veterinary College Hospital but it just delayed the inevitable and she died of pneumonia a week after diagnosis. I wish we’d been braver and said goodbye at diagnosis rather than trying to find a miracle cure. It hurts but you loved her enough to let her go.

Original poster

HalyardHitch · 19/04/2019 15:30

Unfortunately ddog didn't just go peacefully. The vet said she couldn't believe how strong his heart was considering how poorly he was. I don't think being PTS is the peaceful experience we're led to believe. It was traumatic and horrifying. The vet apologised. I think the idea they just go to sleep is a myth and the phrase "put to sleep" is just a euphemism to make people feel better

OP posts:

M3lon · 19/04/2019 15:32

It might be a ridiculous thing to say, but its worth bearing in mind that there is absolutely no way that you thinking about the logistics of dog plus baby could possibly have given your dog cancer. NO WAY WHATSOEVER.

We tell a lot of lies to children as they grow up, about how you do good and you get good things in return and you do bad and you get punished. Most people internalise this to a greater or lesser extent...and when it comes to the real world, its total 100% bullshit. Horrible horrible things happen to wonderful people who did absolutely nothing to deserve them.

So, see what you can do to clear out that childhood baggage, and realise once and for all that the concept of karma is utter BS, and completely unevidenced in the real world....and then do your kids a favour and nip any similar 'you get what you deserve' BS in the bud with them. On average people don't deserve the shit that happens to them and its pretty damaging to spend your life thinking that maybe you do deserve it.

NB this also applies to santa and fecking elf on the shelf while we are at it.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/04/2019 15:34

Grief is funny
It can
Come
Late and when you don’t always expect it xx

AnnieMay100 · 19/04/2019 15:36

I know it’s hard to cope with but remember you done it for your dog. It’s not fair to keep a suffering animal alive and you done the best thing. I still sit and remember my dogs that passed on in a similar way to yours, it’s normal to Be upset take as long as you need to grieve but don’t be hard on yourself.

Cafeculture · 19/04/2019 16:07

I have had a few dogs over the years and when they were put to sleep it was the most peaceful death. It really was as if they just drifted off into a deep sleep. So in most cases it truly isn't a euphemism.

However, one of mine, normally the most serene of dogs, did react against it. That's still often on my mind after nearly three years, so I do understand your feelings about that aspect of it. But her cancer had got bad and I know I did the right thing for her, as you did for yours, to spare her worse suffering.

TheInebriati · 19/04/2019 16:08

HalyardHitch You've been extremely unlucky and had a rare and unfortunate experience, I've stayed with dozens of dogs while they were PTS and they have all peacefully fallen asleep.

I think that may also affect how you feel about the decision you had to make. You really did do the right thing for your situation and for your dog.

LoobyLou1976 · 19/04/2019 16:51

Hello, please let me say I am sorry for your loss.
I'm a veterinary nurse and I'm also trained in pet bereavement support.
What you are feeling is absolutely and perfectly normal, there can be feelings of guilt after having an animal put to sleep, even when both you and the vet know that there was nothing else that could have been done for them. It is important that you allow yourself to grieve. And grief can take a long time, a short time, or anything in between and still be normal. Have you got someone you can talk to at home or are you being made to feel like your grief is out of proportion? It's common for people to say that you should 'get over' an animal loss. Though these people are well meaning, they sometimes do not understand the depth of grief that animal owners go through after loss. This is known as disenfranchised grief, where you feel like you cannot express your feelings for fear of looking stupid or that your grief is not as important because it was 'only' a pet. Sometimes grief surfaces at another point in your life because you did not allow yourself to truly grieve at the time.
If you are really struggling may I suggest you contact the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement support helpline on 0800 096 6606. they are staffed by trained people who can help you talk through your feelings. You can also email them if you prefer.

It might help you to make a memorial for your little guy, there are lots of ways to do this, maybe a memory box with some things in it (collar,lead, photos, hair clippings etc), or to have a pet portrait done from a photo, etc. There are lots of ideas that can help as an outlet for your grief.

PTS doesn't always go the way we would prefer, having said that, usually it goes smoothly, but if an animal is especially collapsed it can be difficult to locate a vein quickly and it may seem to be drawn out. I'm sorry that your PTS was difficult, and this is probably adding to your feelings of guilt and distress.

If you need to talk please PM me, I would be happy to listen. Please think about contacting Blue Cross.
x

Flip

1 2