Medical records

[Hotpinkangel19]

Sorry it's long, but I know people hate drip feeding!
In 2017 I found out I was pregnant, less than a week later I was sat with my Dad, agreeing to my Mum being put on end of life care - it was a heartbreaking decision. 6 weeks later she passed away, with me and my dad there - it was peaceful and quick. Dad didn't seem to be coping too well, they had been married for 42 years, and he now only had me. He was constantly sleeping, not eating, withdrawn. I was worried and he saw a GP who prescribed medication (Antidepressants)
On the day of her funeral I had to help him to dress, he was wobbly and unstable. He needed to be alone, we spoke every day since she died but 3 weeks after the funeral I popped over and he was in a state - half eaten food, and his weight loss was dramatic, he was tired and felt ill. I immediately called a GP who came and said he had a chest infection and dehydration and sent him to hospital in an ambulance, with me. He was put on fluids and observed, he started to look brighter, but on the Sunday morning I was called in to the hospital for a meeting. The had done tests and Dad had cancer, a 10cm tumour in his kidney. They wanted to do a biopsy and go from there. A week passes and still no biopsy, I get no answers from staff and Dad has no clue. The nurse comes with his notes and left them on the side. I read 'palliative care'. I spoke to the doctor after I demanded answers and was told there will be no biopsy, Dad's cancer was terminal, it had been there years and no one had known and it was now in other places. I found him a lovely nursing home and visited every day. Dad died exactly a month later.
My whole family gone in the space of 11 weeks.
I'm asking on here if AIBU to try and find out what exactly happened to Dad? I have so many unanswered questions - why did he suddenly start being extremely ill after Mum died and not before? Why didn't I notice he was dying - I feel so guilty that I should have known he was that ill. The GP told me without me asking that it wasn't hereditary- how can he know this without a biopsy? Should I try and find out/request medical records or just leave it and let it rest now it's been nearly 2 years?
I miss them so much.
Thank you for reading.

If you feel it would help then you are still within the time to ask for his records.
What do you feel like you will gain from it?
Sometimes people have cancer and just genuinely never know.
xx

My elderly neighbour who was like a Nan to me died at 73. When they did a post mortem as she died at home they found she was riddled with cancer. She didn't know that she had it. She was fine health wise. A 10cm tumour sounds very large. It was obviously too late to save him. They should have communicated better with you.

Sweetheart, some cancers just come on very quickly, and the trigger with your mums death is that your dad didn't want to go on without her. We all have different belief systems, and I do work in a hospital (not medical) but I do believe people can manage their own deaths if they so wish. I see it all the time up on the Elderly wards.

What you can do - is ask for notes - but the chances are you wont be able to decipher the jargon.. Wasn't any of this gone through in the Bereavement office with you?

Cancer isn't hereditary, and its a blanket term for around 2,000 different diseases (definition) uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body., so your GP isn't wrong to tell you that.

That is very tough. My mother died suddenly and it was discovered she had a terminal disease which should have been picked up within the last few years. When I read up about it she had all the signs, she'd had test but they didn't pick it up. Her death was a complete shock but in all honesty I am glad she didn't know. She'd have had to endure treatment which I don't think she'd have even wanted. It was a miracle she functioned to the end and doctors were surprised at how she'd managed to that point without treatment. I suppose it was a consolation that she didn't have to endure any debilitating treatment and that she went quickly. 2 other relatives also died very suddenly yet both had end stage cancer. Again I feel they were spared the harrowing treatment when it wouldn't have saved them, just prolonged the inevitable.

Your dad may not even have realised he was poorly as he was so focussed on your mum - what a testament to the love they shared. Once she was gone both his mind and his body may not have been able to take anymore and his symptoms seem to have escalated quickly. I'm not sure if you would get many answers from medical records as he presented to the hospital at the end stages. There are so many cancers which are silent up to a point and by the time a person is showing symptoms it's often too late to treat them, hence the palliative care input.

Maybe bereavement counselling would be of benefit. I haven't tried it since my parents died, but I'd never say never to needing it.

I saw your sentence aboutyou should havw known he was ill. So I reread your OP and cant see how you could have done anything differently. It seems as if either the person who mentioned a biopsy was mistaken and didnt have the full picture, or that more info came to light shortly afterwards which changed the plan but no one communicated it clearly - or at all to you and your Dad.

Im so sorry this has happened. Do you have any support in RL?

It doesn't sound as if they covered themselves in glory communication wise but I agree that some illnesses can be there for a while and come to the surface suddenly. My DGF had Parkinson's and went into a nursing home. A few months later he died of cancer from a tumour that had been there for a while.

Hotpink my dad passed away from cancer and he had it a while before it was discovered .Please don't blame yourself .I felt excatly the same , why hadn't i spotted the signs , i actually said this to his consultant and they said you can't see what is happening inside no way you could have known .My dad didn't not tell me and my DS how bad it was for quick a while because i don't think he wanted to believe it himself .Sometimes hospital's can be very clinical and people can get lost on the way .Have you got support in rl Cancer is cruel it truly is .

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking There wasn't a bereavement office - Dad passed away in a nursing home.

I have my husband for support and he is amazing - maybe I'm just looking for answers that aren't there. I guess I'm just feeling guilty - like I let him down in some way. I don't think I had chance to grieve properly, I have 4 children and I'm alone with them most of the time.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply.

I am so sorry for your losses.
He may not have known, or had any symptoms. But men are not the best at visiting doctors, so could've been feeling ill for a a while and ignored it. When your mum passed, it sounds like he gave up. This would've shown up and made any problems he had much worse.