To be concerned...

[greengreengra]

My partner was brought up in house where his dad would 'smack' them if they misbehaved. He has grown up thinking this is 'normal' and a smack doesn't do any harm.

I for one could not be further in disagreement.

I was never once smacked as a child and I have turned out ok. I know right from wrong.

When planning to get pregnant we discussed this and have again several times since. We agreed we would NOT smack our child.

Yesterday our 2 year old was misbehaving at the dining table and throwing food. He picked up another piece and his dad/my partner said "throw that at me and I'll s...." then looked at me and stopped.

I'm gutted. I honestly think he was going to say smack, but he totally denies it. He has every afternoon alone with our son and I'm driving myself crazy wondering "what if he already has".

Smacking was normal when I was a child. I completely disagree with smacking and would never do it. I have been frustrated and said things that aren't ideal to a toddler too (not particularly about smacking though).

If dh agrees not to smack and doesn't show any violent behaviour I wouldn't worry about it. Almost saying it is very far from actually doing it.

You’ve agreed not to smack, he didn’t smack. He maybe was going to threaten to. Very different.

You should have a talk with your DH and tell him you are worried. Just make it clear you won't tolerate any smacking and agree what kind of discipline you both should use.
It has to be discussed again.

I think my worry is just, if he can say something that naturally or threaten, how do I know he doesn't regularly say this to him or even actually follow these threats through

If he grew up with this as normal it’s probably driven into him as the ‘answer’ whether he meant it or not it was once all he knew as punishment. Have you looked into how you would ‘punish’ your child eg naughty step etc? It could deviate away from the smacking and show dh there are better ways to deal with behaviour. He hasn’t smacked your child he knows it’s wrong, give him the benefit of the doubt I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt your child.

How often do you think parents say it, or any threat (like “I’ll turn the car around”) and don’t follow through?

Is he in control of his actions generally? If not then you have bigger problems to worry about. If he is then you’re concerned over very little.

All you can do is to make it very clear to him that you do not agree with snacking and that is a hard boundary for you. Tell him that you believe he was going to say smack and that whilst it may have been a mistake, you do not want DC smacked ever. End of. Be clear how upset you would be, that you would consider it abuse/violence regardless of whether DH may have had this himself in the past or whether jesus himself came down with a golden slipper. state that if he goes against this then you will not hesitate to end the relationship and he will need to leave. You need to be firm and deadly serious. Soon enough your DC will be old enough to tell you what has gone on

Youre upset he didnt do the thing he said he wouldnt do? Ffs

Have you actually talked about your concerns to your dp?

You shouldn't threaten anything that you won't follow through, therefore if he wouldn't smack he shouldn't threaten it.
Discipline fails if a child knows threats are meaningless so there are two issues, the smacking and the threat.
Your DH needs to think before he speaks.

I really don't think you can go anywhere with this. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt because you've got no way of proving what he was or wasn't going to say.

FWIW if he really was going to say smack I wouldn't be be happy either and if I found out he'd actually smacked at some point the marriage would be in serious trouble.

Maybe have the no smacking talk again together and reaffirm why you both agreed it's not ok and won't ever be part of your parenting. And then chat about the food incident. He may reassure you that toddler was just pushing his buttons and it came out without him really thinking (how many times have I found my parents' words coming out of my own mouth when my kids have been trying my patience? Oh so many... ) and that he would never ever smack him. You need to speak to him to clarify, but in a 'isn't DS at a difficult age, I love him but sometimes it's tough, I totally understand how frustrated you felt earlier' angle, because you're a team. If you go in all accusatory he's going to get defensive regardless of what he's actually done or not done, and that won't solve anything.