To start telling people I’m autistic??

[TigersRoll]

God I feel shit. I normally mask my autism quite well, therefore very few people know I’m autistic and just see me a bit “quirky”, quiet etc

Last night I made s massive twat of myself at my martial arts class. A list of stuff had gone wrong before I got there (road closures, forgot something, hall door was unusually locked etc) and by the time everyone got there (mostly blokes) I couldn’t mask anymore. People tried to chat to me and I couldn’t even make eye contact, couldn’t think of how to respond to conversation so largely ignored people and diverted eye contact. People were looking at me like I was being weird/rude. I couldn’t get my words out all night, was uncoordinated, couldn’t remember anything, kept getting told off ... at the end of class I paid but instructor didn’t give me my change (paid a tenner, class was a fiver) but I suspect he was thrown off by people paying £10 for couples etc rather that it being done on purpose) and I didn’t know how to tell him I needed change so just left it!!!!
When I tried to leave I couldn’t even work the door and everyone was looking at me (or I felt they was) and a joke was made about the doors being complicated ( I can take a joke and I know it wasn’t meant with malice) but I came home and just felt so fucking stupid. God knows what they all must think of me.

I’m starting to think I should just send instructor a message telling him I’m autistic. Because he laughs at me and calls me weird all the time. Again I know it’s not meant with malice but it’s starting to wear thin.

Sounds like it all just got a bit too much for you yesterday. Do you think you could have coped better if the people there knew you were autistic so you felt less "weird" and more understood? If so, then I think you should tell people. It's part of who you are, but only you can decide whether it's something you feel the need to share with people. It'd be great if there wasn't so much pressure to be what's seen as "socially normal" and everyone could just accept people, however they are.

My DS is only 10 but I know he feels less pressure in social situations when the people he is with know him and know his quirks, as it were.

That must have been a really hard day for you! Try to put it behind you and write it off as done and dusted now!
If someone I knew was quieter than normal I would just assume they had maybe had a bad day or some bad news and didn't want to talk about it so I bet it will all be forgotten about at your next class!
With the joke about the door they were maybe trying to make you feel better/relate to you saying they struggle with it sometimes too!
It might be worth telling the instructor and then that's one less worry for if you have a bad day again in the future! You did brilliant to stay and do the class that must have taken some real strength and courage I would have most likely given up!

I really don’t know. I’ve started and quit karate 4 times over my life because of this. I’m just so fucking socially awkward that I look like a complete weirdo all the time. I wasn’t feeling too well last night to start with which is why I think the mask slipped so quickly.

I’m not sure how instructor would react to knowing as he’s old school and not exactly “PC”

There is another bloke there, also an instructor but at this particular class as a student, who is more approachable and understanding ... has a much loved relative with Down’s syndrome etc so I think he’d be easier to tell but he’s not the instructor here (although is very close to actual instructor) - I’m thinking of sending him a message (he’s actually an ex instructor of mine)

Och, you poor thing. That sounds like a rotten series of events. No wonder you felt so shitty, and hope you're ok now. I would definitely message the instructor, as his comments are not in the least bit helpful.

Deepest sympathy! I know that feeling when you just can’t process everything and it’s all too much.

I think in your circumstances I would tell the not-quite instructor and ask him to tell the instructor. Normally I’d recommend the most direct way, but I think having an advocate would help.

Also think if there are any accommodations that might help. If you’re disclosing to someone, I think it makes it easier for them if you include what they can do about it. Then they’re not just left with having to work out what to say.