to want to supervise visits with GPs? (my DPs)

[diiv]

There are some things about my DF that have made me start to question if I should leave DS who is 3 at DP's house unsupervised, which I have done previously for half-terms and school summer holidays when I had to work.

My DF is loud, can be shouty in general, and especially when he is cross he actually bellows which can be a bit intimidating I have witnessed a few major outbursts in the past couple of years, having been on the receiving end once, and I can only imagine how it makes DS feel. One time I was there to comfort him. Another time I was not though, and in his somewhat limited vocabulary at the time he told me it made him feel sad.

DF often teases/calls DS a name him when he mispronounces things (not just the normal light-hearted laughter or amusement when kids say things in a funny way) which I find out of order especially for a 3 year old. I'm not sure if DS minds just now, but I am quite triggered by the fact that DF did the same thing to me when I was a child (I hated it so much that at age 7 I told him I was no longer going to speak to him.)

DF can also be very stern/disciplinarian, shouting over little things, and has said things like Boys don't cry in a reprimanding tone when DS cries, although I'm not sure how often he cries anymore as he is a bit older now.

I expressed my concerns to DM who has said she will step in if there is an incident, but recently I have started to realise how dysfunctional some of his behaviour is, and question if DM will actually recognise it all or would write some things off. For example sometimes DF speaks to DM in a bullying manner, and she doesn't even react. I don't know if DF has done that in front of DS or not, but I would not be comfortable with him witnessing that behaviour, particularly without it being challenged.

I don't have the best relationship with DF and since my mum comes to visit and babysit often I don't go round to theirs much.
All that being said, deep down DF is a good person and loves DS very much. DS does enjoy spending time with him and ask about him and I would like them to have a relationship. I just feel it may be better if I am there so that I can address any negative behaviour I see.

Thoughts? Similar experiences? AIBU?

A similar experience. Violence and emotional abuse from my mother, and a passive step-father. I have never allowed them to be alone with my children after the first (disastrous) time. They've been supervised by either me, either by myself or someone else I trust.

It meant they could have a relationship with their GP's but I wasn't putting them at what I felt was risk. It worked for us, and I never told them I didn't trust them alone with my kids, so you don't need to.

I expressed my concerns to DM who has said she will step in if there is an incident,
Did she ever do this for you? Because if not, I think it's highly unlikely she would either step in or realise she should be stepping in.

It's hard, but I came to the conclusion long ago that we could never leave the Dc unsupervised with my parents. When DC was tiny we went against this judgement because of pressure from them, we would be down the road in a restaurant, they promised to call if Dc woke etc etc. We got back to find my 2 month old had been screaming for almost the whole time we had been out. But they had decided DC was too attached to me and had to learn that I wouldn't always be there That cemented it for us, tbh.

Then the whole DC has Sn because we don't parent right and if we used the slipper or belt then DC would learn to behave.

It's made us also have to think of other things, what will happen to Dc if something would happen to us. We've put in our wills that DC are to go to BIL with support from PIL, why we don't want them to go to my family.

If you asked your mum to babysit during the holidays but suggested it be at your house because all toys etc are there, would she come alone or both of them?

Nothing like becoming a parent to make you question how you were brought up. Not really sure how you would supervise aside from making sure your child is not with him.