To be wilting inside

[Readoui]

I know I'm unreasonable. Prepared for a flaming.

My DH has recently been diagnosed with mild CFS/ME after having general fatigue the past couple of years. I am recovering from PTSD. No DC.

DH is unfaultingly kind, supportive and a great listener. He'd do anything for me. He's very sensitive and it doesn't take a lot to overwhelm him so I shoulder the majority of responsibility - finances etc. He has no friends or hobbies, he's very much a private introverted soul. I'm his world.

I run a very small business that means we both work for ourselves from home, but there's a lot of spare time! A lot! So we're together 24/7.

Here's my AIBU - as I'm recovering from PTSD I'm realising how co-dependant we are and how little life we live. I need to start doing more but he's too tired, or just doesn't fancy it. There's always a reason. He'll happily go for a long walk in the morning, then potter about, then sit in front of the TV from 5-10pm. I'm more motivated, and get frustrated if I don't do anything.

Every day is groundhog day. I'm mid 30s living like I'm 80.

I see friends for coffee twice a month, and my therapist once a week. That's it. No family on either side.

I feel as I'm recovering I can see what I need but I feel guilty for trying to move forward in my life with DH struggling behind me. But as I said, he's amazing if I'm struggling mentally.

We can't have DC (fertility issues) and DH said no to getting a dog as he feels unsettled and doesn't want the stress. Everything I suggest is a 'no' or anything we do is organised and initiated by me. It takes a lot of effort with my anxiety.

Should I wait and be patient for him to feel better so life can start? I feel like I'm living half a life. Selfish, right, when he's so kind?

No you are not selfish. I'd get out or you may find the next forty years the same

No not selfish. You are actively trying to turn your life around. Your DH seems happy to stay where he is.

It may be that you have come to a natural end of your relationship.

You are too young to waste your life.

Set a timeframe in your own mind. If your DH has not made enough inroad to help himself and thereby help your marriage then go and make a good life for yourself. That may be with him or out on your own.

Do not feel guilty for trying to better your life. Your DH has to take responsibility for his own health and happiness. You can't make him better or happy by yourself.

Well done for taking the steps you have.

You see friends for coffee twice a month? That does not sound like much of a life at all. You can start doing stuff on your own, you don't need to do it with him. CFS/ME is a tough gig - he has to learn how to manage it. Why the hell would you wait for life to start? Don't feel guilty, get out and enjoy yourself.

If your DH has not made enough inroad to help himself and thereby help your marriage

I think that's it - I've worked hard this past year to lose weight, get healthy, face my fears and anxiety head on - he's happy enough with how things are and will just join whatever I'm doing.

I know he's poorly but he'll easily mow the lawn and potter in his shed (which he enjoys) but won't have energy to put the blind up in the kitchen. There are so many DIY jobs that need doing that he's capable of but he never has the energy.

He said it's because I'm home, but if I go out for a few hours I'll come home and nothing will be done. I refuse to nag. He's an adult so I think if he's decided not to do anything, then fair enough.

I can't shake the feeling I'm not being patient enough or supportive enough. He really is a nice person. Very loyal, funny...but I feel so wilted inside. Like there's no point getting better from the PTSD if this is how life will be.

You see friends for coffee twice a month? That does not sound like much of a life at all.

It's not a life at all. After a traumatic time I slowly became more and more reclusive, but this isn't my true nature. Suddenly I'm mid 30s and my 75 year old neighbour has more of a life than me. I'm ashamed.

I'd love to be busy, have a family, hobbies, it just feels like the world is something I can't be part of. But I'm working on getting better!

And thanks for the replies.

Life doesn't have to be like this. You've made great progress to get where you are. You deserve to have a full, happy and fulfilled life. Everyone deserves that. Some of us have to work a little harder to get it.

Keep going. It's within your grasp.

You aren't selfish. Is there a book club or film club at your local library? It's a start. There used to be a thing called 'meet up' online with different activities to make new friends if that's still going. If he's introvert & not well 'small' stuff will seem overwhelming. I'd be a bit firmer tbh & just do stuff you think is a good idea (within reason) then it's a done deal & he'll learn he can cope. So, if not a dog how about a cat (then proceed to an older dog that won't need the work a puppy would).

Sometimes full recovery and the chance to grow and reach your full potential means leaving people from your past behind.

You are doing really well. Don't let his lack of growth hamper yours.

Change takes a teaspoon of courage as it also means being different to how people are used to us being. It's not you that changes though, more a discovering of who you always were

Get a dog anyway. As long as he's not allergic or phobic, he'll cope - and it can be your dog, not his. A dog will be a great way to get out more, go different places, an excuse to talk to people etc etc.

Can you join a gym? Doing classes is a great way to get out, get fit and meet people.

I think this is a bit like oxygen masks on a plane. Your instinct is to sort the kids and other vulnerable people first, but actually you need to do your own first so you can better help others.

You need to do anything you can to get your own life/MH on track.

But don’t try to force DH to do things with you. Just go out to whatever places/things appeal to you. Invite him if it’s appropriate & if you want to. But irrespective of his answer and any complaining that he’ll be in his own, just GO. Do stuff, make new friends, develop new interests.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He wants to live a certain way, and you want to live differently. Both are fine but the trick is to see whether they can be combined.

For your own sake, I think you should start to do more of what you want, build up your own social life.

i can recommend the "meetup" website or phone app - you can find lots of local groups with similar interests to yourself. It's great for finding stuff to do in your spare time, hopefully your husband might end up joining you on one of the events.

I second joining a gym.
I started going as an effort to regain some mobility, so not your average gym bunny 🐰 and ended up meeting so many people. It’s lovely to walk into somewhere and people say ‘Hi how was your weekend?’
It really has helped change my outlook. Some of us go to lunch after class now or you can just sit about having coffee before you leave. It’s quite a natural and organic way of meeting different people.

You don't have to have him doing what you want. Do things for yourself. You both want different things.
My DP doesn't want to do much apart from potter around and sit down all evening but I don't want that so I get on with social activities myself.
It's only a problem if either of you expect the other to change who they are to suit the other.

And I would second getting a dog. It's a fantastic way to meet other people - most of my local friends I met through dog walking. I also took a plot on in the allotments and met loads of people through that. Not only that the adoration and loyalty you get from a dog is second to none. And all that fresh air and exercise is so positive. It could give you a joint hobby - walking dog together. But if you get a dog only do it on the understanding that it is your responsibility.

I think you need to focus on building yourself more of a life outside of your DH. If you’re feeling better and have more energy could you maybe look at doing some volunteering in an area you enjoy to get you out of the house and meeting new people? Or look into joining some classes or groups (fitness/ sports class, book club, knitting club, church group, Women’s Institute, community group, language evening class - whatever sounds interesting to you), fill your days with things you’re doing for yourself and where you don’t rely on your DH and also things where you might meet people so that you can connect with friends more than twice a month.

You are not being selfish. I believe that each of us has the responsibility to work towards happiness and fulfilment so that we can help others do the same. You can't help or support others if you're not happy yourself (oxygen masks on a plane, as ^pp said).

You are clearly recovering, which is great, and reaching out for more contacts, more friends, more hobbies, more everything! Don't let him hold you back.

And get a dog...

Facing PTSD, the realization that you have it and the courage it requires to seek help is phenomenal. Huge kudos and congratulations to you for taking this difficult step.

I was in the same place a year ago last October, and had a year's intensive EMDR therapy. It's been life-changing. Before I started, washing my hair felt like the equivalent of running a marathon. Now I also find myself wanting to get out and embrace my life, instead of stagnating the way I have been doing.

If DH won't do this, you'll need to do it without him. We do have DC, so this was more difficult, but I've reconnected with friends, have to travel for work reasons during the summer, and have just spent a fabulous weekend away with my oldest friend (with DH's blessing. We have no parents who can help us, so had to accept that much of our socializing will be separate while he is small).

If you feel the need to live a fuller life you must do so, with or without the blessing of your OH. If he'll support you in this, you might have something worth saving. If he won't, it may be time to move on.

Wishing you continued healing and happiness. I know just what sort of difficult journey you have just been on (and if you want to PM a fellow-sufferer with shared experiences, please do PM me).

I've just read a book called "how to do everything and be happy"
It's a really simple book and I really enjoyed it. Since I read it I've taken up dancing, booked into slimming world and arranged to start running with a friend. I'm also going out with my cousin. You need to make your own life, op, it's what I'm starting to do

What about going out for dinner, or on holiday?

There's more than one issue at play here, there's several things to address

Your own recovery and need / desire to live differently now

Your co-dependency with DH for social life and stimulation

Your DH's health and its current and future impact on your marriage.

I think it's important to recognise that whereas you are coming out of the other side of your problems, your DH has just been diagnosed with a life-long chronic illness for which there is no cure, and frankly hardly any general awareness. You both need time to explore the ramifications of this and how you can make your life work with it. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your comment about him having the energy to do one thing but not the DIY is typical of someone who doesn't understand about the need to be selective and limiting on tasks when you have CFS. That's not to say of course your DH shouldn't then conserve some energy to do things at home. Then again, are you not able to do DIY?

With regards to your co-dependency and also your desire to get out more - only you can do something about this - involving your DH will just perpetuate the codependency anyway. Others have already suggested, try hobbies, try organised meet ups or just go and do things you enjoy for yourself. If your marriage doesn't survive this, you will need to do that anyway. Start now. I don't agree you should override his views on getting a dog though!

It's hard. I really do understand, as my DH was diagnosed with CFS in his mid-30s. Previously fit and healthy, to being unable to find the strength to walk up the stairs to bed. Spent most days lying in a darkened room because light hurt his eyes. Over a year out of work. We have young children. I can't get out to do things on my own if he's not well enough to look after them and have very little family support. My reaction to your comment about energy for some things but both others stems from outsiders seeing DH managing to get out for an hour to go to the shops but not recognising he'd pay for the that by spending the next day in bed, leaving me to do everything on my own. Friends simply didn't get it and most have disappeared.

My DH is also like yours in that he's more on the introvert side, and doesn't work at friendships, and would play computer games all day if he could - I'm very social. It's been the one issue in our relationship as we did most things together (he's my best friend and most of our friends are mutual) but now I have to do more on my own or with other friends - which again is hard with small children.

It's been extraordinarily hard. I have struggled to stay caring and supportive at times. This is not the life we planned.

Thankfully my DH's health is mostly "normal" now, but it has taken a lot of therapy, still ongoing, and we have made permanent adjustments to our lifestyle. We went out today so he will need to rest tomorrow. If we have a busy weekend then the next one must be restful.

I'm sorry, it's a bit rambling, but I don't think it's a simple situation - you've both got complicated issues and your DH may never feel up to a fully active lifestyle, but with time and practice at managing his condition he might. Meanwhile, you shouldn't put on hold doing things for you.

I love my dog, I can't imagine not ever having one. It's not just company but you have to get out and about. Walking the dog is when I put my world to rights in my head. Not to mention the benefits of exercise. People stop and chat if you've got a dog with you, not all the time but a bit more human interaction than if I'm on my own. If it's a complete no to your own dog could you volunteer as a walker at a re-homing centre or look up Borrow My Doggy which matches people who need a hand exercising their dog. It's just a small thing but it might be enough to get you out of the rut you're in.