Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

NC with abusive mother ... ex has decided to let DC

22 replies

Inliverpool1 · 18/04/2019 13:48

“Make their own minds up”. Back story is she was prosecuted for producing welts in my legs as a 9 year old that bled for days and were still visible when the police photographer took photos a week later.

Ex has decided when the kids are with him she should have contact.
Is there actually anything I can “do” about this. Kids are 15 and 17

OP posts:

Overtheborder · 18/04/2019 13:50

Oh my goodness.

I feel so betrayed on your behalf reading this.

I'm so sorry.

I guess at that age it's up to the kids if they want to have contact with her? Have they ever spoken to her prior to this?

It seems an odd decision on behalf of your ex - like he really wants to twist the knife in you.

Original poster

Inliverpool1 · 18/04/2019 13:55

They have had contact growing up, I stopped it completely in 2015 when she did something else utterly hideous.
She hit my then 15 year old around the head when watching a documentary on TV about sustainable fashion and eldest dared to remark it seemed wrong.
Ex doesn’t believe eldest who’s 19 and therefore NC herself with him and my mother

OP posts:

Chickychoccyegg · 18/04/2019 13:56

Do your dc know her?
He's obviously trying to get a rise out of you, as its very odd he'd want to spend his contact time with his dc visiting his abusive ex mil
Luckily your dc are older, and can deside themselves who they want to have a relationship with, and if he continues to be a dick, his dc will end up refusing to see him.

Original poster

Inliverpool1 · 18/04/2019 13:58

Youngest is very vulnerable wants love and granny is offering that at a time when of course me and ex are the bad guys constantly

OP posts:

Inadvertentlybrilliant · 18/04/2019 13:58

What about your eldest's siblings - don't your other DC believe them?

ChuckleBuckles · 18/04/2019 13:58

That is shocking, first of all her abuse of you and then your Ex minimising it, it is like he is continuing her abuse of you. I am so sorry, I hope you have support right now

Do your DC know what happened when you were a child? I think it may be time for a talk with them, give them the facts, tell them about the prosecution and then let them decide, I think they are old enough to know and to have understanding about why you are reluctant to allow this woman any access to your life. Do you think she is using your DC as a way back into contact with you?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 18/04/2019 13:59

Is there actually anything I can “do” about this. Kids are 15 and 17

No. The 15yo maybe, but only until he/she is 16, thereafter they can make their own decisions.

Do they actually want contact with your M ? your 19yo has voted with her feet already on this matter, but why is your Ex so over invested in this relationship wtih his exMil?

Chickychoccyegg · 18/04/2019 14:01

He'll no doubt soon have no contact with any of his kids if he continues to try and stick the knife in to you.
i would explain exactly what your "dm" did to you when you were little.
what a shame your going through this xx

bonzo77 · 18/04/2019 14:01

Get advice from social services. She’s got a conviction for child abuse. By failing / refusing to protect them from her, he is risking their safety.

Original poster

Inliverpool1 · 18/04/2019 14:01

My main concern is with regards to the 15 year old she is the one mother has latched on to, 17 year old isn’t interested but humours her. 15 year old is having days out etc

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/04/2019 15:04

I would have thought that the first thing to do would be to find out who is driving this desire to see your mother.

It could well be the teenagers who have different memories.

TixieLix · 18/04/2019 15:06

Do you have copies of any of the documentation from the time of prosecution OP, particularly the police photographs? Your DC are old enough now to know the truth. Might be time to sit them down and hand them the documentation to read for themselves and say "This is why I'm NC with my mother and don't allow you to visit her. I love you with all my heart and couldn't risk this happening to you". Sometimes seeing the actual pictures/words for themselves, rather than hearing 'stories' helps bring home the reality.

Original poster

Inliverpool1 · 18/04/2019 15:14

I have an email in which she says I deserved it and should have had a few more. Sent this to ex he doesn’t give a shit

OP posts:

Original poster

Inliverpool1 · 18/04/2019 15:17

I’ve spoken to SS before, she actually has a clear DBS, works as a health care assistant. This happened in 1984 and nothing since, well obviously because I wasn’t there although younger siblings copped it. For some reason they are ok with it, boys so they thought they deserved it

OP posts:

youknowmedontyou · 18/04/2019 15:20

What a complete bastard, I'm sorry for you. I'd tell the children what your mother did to you.

picklemepopcorn · 18/04/2019 15:21

You need to ask 15yr old what advice they would give a friend about seeing someone who was violent to children and has been prosecuted for beating a child.

Tell her Granny is good at seeming to be lovely, but is actually very cruel and manipulative.

Original poster

Inliverpool1 · 18/04/2019 16:40

If I got a restraining order against her for me, could that include the children ? Maybe this should be in legal sorry

OP posts:

Chloemol · 18/04/2019 17:07

The kids are old enough now to know what she did to you so tell them, tell them about the restraining order, tell them about what she did to your other child. If they still want to see her at least they have the facts

Ribbonsonabox · 18/04/2019 17:09

I think very sadly all you can do here is say honestly to your 15 year old why you have no contact with your mother. Your 15 year old may not want to believe you now and she may fall for what your mother is doing currently... but she needs to have been told the truth so that when it all falls into place for her she will realise... and she will realise at some point. You've tried your best to protect her but at her age her own views are likely to be taken into consideration so it's unlikely any professional body would prevent her access as she herself has not been abused by your mum and is an older teen.

Dont turn it into an emotional battle. Say it's up to her. Say youd rather she didnt and outline what was done to you calmly and honestly, as the reasons why and then withdraw from the argument.

If you approach it as a battle or argue about it it only gives your mum more power. I think this is a situation in which you gray rock her. So she cannot use your daughter to get at you or manipulate your daughter against you. Try and not get drawn in to arguing back with any lies.... if you continue in this way your daughter will eventually see who is emotionally manipulative as she gets older. Just detach as much as possible from the situation. Let your daughter know that if she ever wants to stop seeing your mum again or is frightened or has an issue about it then you are there for her... but other than that you will not be discussing your mum further with her if she does decide to see her.
I know you are completely in the right for not wanting your daughter to see your mum I'd be exactly the same... but consider that she will be having emotional pressure put on her from that side and so it might be wise to not add to that from yours and instead present yourself as neutral. Calmly staye that she abused you and so you wish to have nothing to do with her nor hear about her or anything she says or does... that it's up to your daughter whether she sees her or not when shes at her dads.. personally you would advise against that as you believe her to be abusive but as she is 15 and under the care of her dad at those times you are aware the decision is not yours to make.
Just be very reasonable about it to show the counterpoint to their emotionally manipulative bollocks.
I do think then if she ends up seeing her gran the comparison between her and your behaviour will mean a lot as she gets older and gains more perspective.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this it must be really upsetting for you

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 18/04/2019 17:13

You cant get a restraining order

In the UK, restraining orders can only be issued during sentencing – so to get a restraining order against someone, you have to first report them to the police and then take them to court. They are most commonly used in cases of stalking, harassment and domestic violence.

Goldmandra · 18/04/2019 17:54

If your e. Is doing this just to upset you, you must not react. While you're making an issue of it, you're giving him a reason to make an effort to keep it going.

Google grey rock technique. If he gets no reaction, he'll eventually get bored and the effort not be worth it any more.

Original poster

Inliverpool1 · 18/04/2019 18:11

Thank you I really appreciate the advice. It is hard not to bite

OP posts:

Flip