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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not lend my friend money

74 replies

smurfgirl · 14/07/2007 23:19

Mate just rang me and asked me to come and meet her at the cash machine to lend her money for her night out because it just swallowed her card.

And I said no.

Its late and I am in my pajamas, she can get home from where she is.

I don't have loads of money in my bank account and I don't want to give her £30 and then have to wait for a week or so until she can get me more.

I would maybe lend her some so she can get to work, but not for a night out at this time. Am I being horrid?

OP posts:

Original poster

smurfgirl · 15/07/2007 13:13

J20 she is a teacher and so cannot really get to the bank at lunch time

I will leave her to simmer and then have a chat with her when she has calmed down.

OP posts:

j20baby · 15/07/2007 13:15

she is not being reasonable if she is annoyed at you, she may have a hangover? leave her for a couple of hours and then try to talk to her

nappyaddict · 15/07/2007 13:27

what time does she finish school? could she not leave early one day to go to the bank?

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 15/07/2007 13:32

well smurfgirl i think she is a cheeky mare!!!

if she can't afford the night out , she shouldn't have gone. if the card got eaten-well then she should have come home.

yanbu at all.

does she see you as being a bit oif a pushover?

i don't know anyone i would phone and ask to lend me money at 11pm!!! especially if it was for beer!!!

meowmix · 15/07/2007 13:46

she wanted you to walk on your own to a cashpoint at 11pm at night to fund her continued night out? Um. There's a phrase I'd use in this situation but its not polite.

I'd go if she was in trouble, stuck for a lift home or similar.

and just a thought - why didn't she come to your house? you're meant to hand over cash and make an effort? pah. leave her to simmer, chances are she knows she pushed it.

wulfricsmummy · 15/07/2007 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

shinysink · 15/07/2007 14:37

YANBU. It was late - you don't drive and financially it would have been difficult for you. Not unreasonable at all to say "No - sorry but I just can't" IMO

helenhismadwife · 15/07/2007 16:07

YANBU at all

the only person I would ring in a similar situation would be dh

emergencies are different this is not an emergency

StarryStarryNight · 15/07/2007 16:39

She works full time. She already owes you money. She is planning a night out with another friend with no money. She wants you to get out of your pj and get dressed walk 10 minute back and forth an give her money?
Why could she not come to you? She was the one needing a favour, surely she could come your way?

If I were you I would not be in any hurry to explain anything to her, she owes you a bloody good apology for her totally unreasonable behaviour. I would let her simmer and expect her to get in touch with you. If she doesnt even realize what a bummer she has made, she really isnt worth it.

She was not being a good friend to YOU calling you at nearly midnight asking you to fund her evening out with skint friend, and walk 10 minutes back and forth on your own at night. She at least would have company in her skint friend if she came to you for the money.

Elasticwoman · 15/07/2007 17:20

Smurfgirl - she already owed you money and rang you at 11 pm expecting you to fund her night out? What a cheek! What I can't understand is why you feel guilty yourself, and not angry with her!

I'm sure you can find better friends than that. If you want an outlet for your generosity, give to people who need it, not freeloaders.

MarshaBrady · 15/07/2007 17:25

yanbu. Can you remember a time when you have asked something very similiar, a big favour like this so you can keep enjoying yourself?
(if you do this for eachother , only then would this even be acceptable imo)

dal21 · 15/07/2007 20:41

absolutely no way are you being unreasonable, and under no circumstances should you feel guilty (unless as other posters have said this is something she has done for you). i would never dream of putting one of my friends in that position - and if i was low on cash, would most certainly not be out on the town trying to spend other peoples money; but staying in saving my own! the nerve of some people truely amazes me!

Original poster

smurfgirl · 15/07/2007 23:04

Sorry to clarify she has money but the machine was faulty and swallowed her card.

But I think she should have been (rightly) annoyed and then gone home, cancelled the card and planned a night out for the week after when she did have a card that worked.

She borrowed cos she wanted me to get student discount on things.

Anyway she is very annoyed with me, and as predicted is threatening not to come to my birthday and she made annoyed noises about the fact I had spent £100 in town with her earlier that day (implying she thought I could lend her the money).

But its my money, and at that point I did not know that she would need £30 for later on!

OP posts:

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 15/07/2007 23:25

You could have spent a 1000 and still not right.

Talking about that we had some aquaintances (not friends at all) who were coming back to live in this area. Not having heard of them in 2 years one day, the wife rang out of the blue and asked me to lend them £800 to avoid paying a small fee for a transference for the deposit of the house they were going to rent!

I found it hard not to slam the phone down on the receiver!

dal21 · 16/07/2007 08:32

Smurfgirl - ok fair enough she had the money to be out. But what planet does she live on?
No. 1 - no one has a right to assume they can borrow money off you anytime - irrespective of your financial circumstances.
No. 2 - why should you have to do what she expected you to do in a non emergency?
No. 3 - Tell her to open another bank account and get a second card (it is always for that reason I go out with a min of 2 cards)
No.4 - you really have to make a call on how good a friend she is and how much you would miss her from your birthday plans. If aside from this, she is a good friend; try and meet with her face to face and understand why she feels upset. You can put your side across. You'll probably both have to agree to disagree - but if you can both understand why this upset each other, the friendship should move on and this episode should be forgotten. (i hasten to add that for this to work, both sides need some degree of common sense)
If she isnt that good a friend and this whole thing is starting to get on your nerves, then leave it and let her make her mind up about whether she comes.

sorry if a bit vehement for this time of the morning; but this for some reason has really wound me up! can you tell?

MarshaBrady · 16/07/2007 10:15

Smurfgirl there are some people that do just use others - even as friends, And get angry / make the other feel guilty when they don't do what they want. Threatening not to come to your birthday for example.
I'm not sure if your friend is one of these people. Honestly do you think she is?

theressomethingaboutmarie · 16/07/2007 10:22

smurfgirl - she's emotionally blackmailing you after making a very unreasonable demand. I don't think that true friends act this way; at least if any of my friends did, I would question whether they were actual friends...

MarshaBrady · 16/07/2007 10:22

Actually it just occured to me that's why you started this thread cos you're not sure lol.
Anyway agree with dal21, your experience is winding me up and it didn't even happen to me. Your finances aren't your friend's business regardless of how much you spent during the day.
Would yuo ever demand money from her?

Elasticwoman · 16/07/2007 11:27

Your friend making "annoyed" noises is no reason for you to feel guilty. Save your guilt feelings for when you have done something wrong. The fact that you failed to do what she wanted is not wrong - it's called not being a doormat.

tatt · 16/07/2007 14:24

you having spent money earlier on means you have less left to lend out - so should make her more understanding, not less. Cash machines aren't just open at lunchtimes, if she owes you money she can get up earlier and get to one on the way into school. Better not say anything else, teachers aren't in my good books at the moment

LucyJones · 16/07/2007 14:30

Was she drunk when she rang?
I can only assume that is why she thought it acceptable to ring and ask you such an outrageous thing at such a time.
MotherFunk - do you have kids? You work til 11/12 and then go out until 4am? Sounds like a student life to me

alicet · 16/07/2007 14:46

I too am getting angry on your behalf!

The only right your friend has to feel pissed off with you is if she has done the same for you in the past. If not then YANBU and she is. End of.

It is irrelevant that you spent £100 during the day - its your money to do as you like with.

I personally think she is unreasonable to ring and even ask you to walk to a cashpoint at this time of night never mind that she clearly EXPECTS it. What about your personal safety? I agree with other posters that if she needed the money because she couldn't get home then thats a different matter but to go on the beers? Sorry but I don't even know why you are feeling guilty!!! Not sure when I have last heard anything more selfish!!!!!

Calls after 11pm are strictly for emergencies only in my book unless you KNOW that the person you are ringing is up late. If I wanted to call about a non emergency after this time I would text first to see if the person in question was awake first (all my friends silence their mobiles when going to sleep). An emergency is NOT needing more beer money and to be honest I still don't think it was an emergency when I was a student with no responsibilities.

MotherFunk · 16/07/2007 21:52

Message withdrawn

Flibbertyjibbet · 17/07/2007 12:37

Yanbu.
I never ever lend friends money. I learned from hard experience.

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