To disagree with ex parenting?

[gettingimpatient222]

On the whole my ex and I get on ok and agree on most things regarding our ds7. However I know my ex has a bad temper and I sometimes feel he is too harsh on ds. For example ds will do something a bit silly and my ex will shout, swear and kick off needlessly over something I would just let go or have a quiet word over.

Overall ds is a good boy who rarely needs telling off and when he does he doesn't benefit from being shouted at, it upsets him. But ex just kicks off as it's in his nature to be that way. It upsets and frightens ds although he is still eager and happy to go to his dads. I will also add that his new wife who I get on great with tends to stick up for ds and pull my ex up if he's being over the top.

Don't really know how to approach it without it looking as if I'm trying to control his parenting. Ex is always honest about things when there's been an 'incident' but I feel like I just don't want ds being shouted and sworn at because he's lost his temper. I get that it's probably just different parenting styles but I hate to think of ds being upset when I'm not there.

The thing is if he's an angry person I'm really not sure what you can say that will help, you'll just make him angry I imagine. At least you know his wife does intervene, any chance you can have a word with her? Get her to suggest anger management or something?

I'm not sure what you could do to be honest, its not great (horrible)he shouts and swears at his ds, im glad to hear his wife pulls him up pn it, it'll end up impacting his relationship with ds if he carrys on like that, but thats his own problem

Could you ask to meet both of them without the kids and say that you appreciate your ex talking about incidents during his contact time and now DS is getting older it would be useful to agree some consistent parenting strategies so that DS knows he'll get the same consequences in each house?

It's such a tricky one because other than this we have a really good dynamic and I don't want to rock the boat but am also really upset and ds being treated like that just because he can't control his temper. He knows it's wrong because he feels bad afterwards. I do take some comfort from the fact ds still wants to go there so it can't affect him too badly but they are due to take him away for a week in the summer holidays and I worry that there will be incidents when they are away :/

But yeah I'm lucky to have a good relationship with ds stepmum so maybe I could have a word with her

Your responsibility is to your son. If you cant trust your ex to keep him safe from all harm (including mental) then you need to stop allowing him the opportunity to abuse the kid. Your ex needs to sort out his own anger management issues. It's not something you or his wife can do for him.

@PotatoesDieInHotCars This has crossed my mind but my son loves his dad and enjoys going there to see that side of the family. I don't believe stopping contact is in anyone's best interests tbh.

I also don't want to put his wife in an awkward position of me talking to her in confidence and expecting her to keep it from him.

Of course my priority is my son and it breaks my heart to think of him being at the end of my ex's temper (something that I know only too well wasn't very nice) but it doesn't happen often and ds does seem happy to go there.

But your son doesn't know any better because this has been his whole life. As far as he knows all daddies behave like this. How is he going to feel when he grows up and realises that's not true and he should have had better and you didn't try to change it? Or worse he'll never realise it and be just as cruel to his own child in the future because that's just what daddies do.

@PotatoesDieInHotCars I wouldn't say he's cruel to him. I know he loves him. He goes out of his way to see him, has always been consistent and is very involved with all of his extra curricular stuff. He certainly doesn't mistreat him or even get cross like this regularly. But every now and then ds will do something silly or naughty that my ex can't deal with and his natural response is to just fly off the handle.

I get what you're saying I just don't think stopping contact would be in anyone's best interests, we have worked hard to establish a routine to suit everyone and other that these blips we do all get on and ds is very happy.